somewhere between memory and mirage, half-submerged in the stream-of-consciousness

propelled by the current and the contents of our cans we moved forward, but made little progress. for the first half of the trip i had a secure place in the center of the canoe. chris manned the bow, steve manned the keel, i manned the cooler. the early summer heat and our indifferent attitude towards lunch made the day seem more like a mirage than a concrete experience. looking back i remember images, emotions and snippets of conversation, but i have little feel for where the real story ends and personal myth begins. yet, as muddled as it may be, i am compelled to tell the story.

so, as i said, we were moving forward, but making little progress. our stated purpose was not progress but diversion. and diversion we found a plenty. every quarter mile or so we scratched the hull on another makeshift island and crashed a party. though we knew each other as outcasts, we chose not to let the strangers in on such secrets. so when they invited us to share our beer, smoke their weed, sample the texture and taste of their bodies, we did so. some of us more than others. if memory serves, i was one of the former. i think it was for that reason that i lost my privileged place in the boat and was left alone with a life jacket, dependent upon the current to make my way. i was so thankful that my six was buoyant.

at some point near the end of our excursion our case of key vanished. fortunately a couple of beautiful bodies floated by and graciously endowed us with additional supplies. flush with our good fortune we set our sights on the cliffs. once we landed steve and i scrambled up the side with sufficient supplies. our stated plan was to empty our hands before plunging into the waters below. while steve shotgunned i sought an angle that would enable me to douche our dear friend in the canoe below.

somewhere between a piss and my second can, i heard something pull up behind us. expecting more good fortune, of which this day seemed to be full, i turned my head expectantly...and was immediately disappointed. immediately deducing our plan the ranger informed us of impending danger. he then began with the questions. when he asked if i was of age i answered the affirmative. when he asked for evidence i took a draught of courage, shook my head and laughed. the officer asked, indeed he assumed, that i had seen such circumstances before. when i validated his assumption he had to question, "why don't you stop drinking?" i shrugged my shoulders indifferently and countered "why don't they change the law?" he laughed heartily and handed over the ticket almost remorsefully, promising that if i paid the fine the punishment would not have to match the crime.

it was in that moment, between my encounter with the half-hearted ranger and the adrenaline deficient plunge, that something within me clicked. a transition took place and i knew i would never be the same.

so i burned my bridges, abandoned those i had called friends and eventually repented while shanking shots at the driving range. i honestly think that i chose to follow Jesus not so much because of conviction or belief, but simply because the road was different. i figured that the narrow road could not be more meaningless than the broad, so i set out upon it.

that was almost nine years ago. since that time, i've moved forward, but made little progress. my eyes are still open to diversion and that anti-authoritarian son of a bitch that told off the trooper still emerges from time to time. nevertheless i am so thankful that something within me clicked. for as meaningless and random as the journey sometime seems, i think it is more substantial than the one that preceded it. every once in a while, the present moment definitely excluded, life seems less like a mirage and more like a concrete experience. for this i am thankful.

i have a sneaking suspicion that...

somewhere along the road i sacrificed excellence on the altar of mediocrity

there is such a thing as godly ambition, but cooperation still trumps competition

there are some wounds that do not heal

npr is going to drive me fund-drive crazy with non-stop reporting on john roberts. the morning nyt email featured a quote from robert's eighth grade teacher. i only wish i was kidding

bush will spin the rove affair more effectively than clinton spun the blow job

i am being sustained not only by Christ, but by His body

i am going to work at lifeway for longer than i initially intended. so i might as well make the best of it

the pre-publication galley copy of doug pagitt's preaching re-imagined is going to arrive today

that the (very) few of you that are interested in preaching are going to be treated to an interview and short review that will be posted on this site

it is time to open the indulgence box and go to work

memorandum from captain random

here are a few ideas, opinions and impressions that have been ricocheting through my small skull. although i would like to shoot a single, well aimed bullet, today i must rely on the buckshot approach.

when i entered my cube this morning a book was sitting next to my keyboard. the title was conquering insecurity. is some passive aggressive little shit trying to tell me something?

recently devoured: nick hornby's a long way down and j.k. rowling's harry potter and the half-blood prince. one of my goals for this site is to provide 50-100 reviews for every word i read. unfortunately, i don't have time to provide those right now, so i'll have to satisfy for a couple of quick hits. first, i read hornby because he has a deep, abiding interest in the humanity of his characters and he describes the movement from independence to interdependence better than any fiction writer i have read. i am happy to say that in this new novel he does not disappoint. moreover, i read rowling because i enjoy her masterful characterizations, her ability to provoke a sense of wonder and her unexpected plot twists. her latest effort is an excellent illustration of her skill. as a side note, i really enjoyed the conversation i had with art about the new novel. in the midst of our conversation he revealed his rather impressive interpretive skill. thanks brutha! now...the rest of you need to finish the novel so that we can discuss it (via email of course...we wouldn't want to ruin the reading of others).

wendy williams from newton presbyterian called me on monday to connect. wendy is deeply intrigued by the emerging church conversation and is interested in entering into our ongoing conversation. welcome to the conversation wendy! i hope that you feel at home in our little virtual community and will look forward to your thoughts/reflections/opinions. a side note here as well...i have been truly blessed by those i have connected with (including jamie, erik, becky, leanne, wendy, etc.) on account of this blog. i never knew that a medium such as this could be so generative.

one of the things i like best about serving with sinners and saints is that it is an exercise not only in leading, but in being led. currently inquiring minds such as dr. james, craig and fletch are leading me towards a deeper immersion in the discipline of theological discourse. i am glad that my theological inquiry is being compelled by the ongoing development of God's community instead of the demands of academia. this renewed interest has encouraged me to delve into stanley grenz's theology of the community of God, which i hope will ground me in Trinitarian theology and (if warranted) help me move beyond a foundationalist approach and mark noll's the rise of evangelicalism, which i hope will help me understand the way that leaders like edwards and wesley pursued holistic ministry in their particular contexts.

i am kicking around the idea of starting an emergent cohort in our area. the purpose of this group would be to discuss the ways that God is calling us to incarnate His gospel and Christ's compassion in our particular contexts. we would read and discuss pieces by intriguing theologians and practitioners that would help us incarnate the gospel in our area and would fight to move our conversations beyond the level of abstraction. sound interesting? if so, shoot me an email at jeffkelliegentry@yahoo.com. you can find more information about emergent cohorts here. if a number of you are interested we could either join an existing group in boston (which appears inactive) or start a new one.

not that it matters to you

first it was rob neyer, whose columns i read religiously. then it was buster olney, who had me at last night of the yankee dynasty. now espn.com has made peter gammons, the commissioner!, an insider columnist. well fuck this fucking game!

happy haiku friday!

in the warm waters

a tempest begins to spin

the fool ventures in

musing...

last weekend, in an aside unrelated to an ongoing conversation, i told kellie that i had failed a friend.

this friend was a key component of the twenty-something small group i led for several years. she is a beautiful, free-thinking woman who did not hesitate to introduce wiccans to our small community of Christians and taught me, as well as the small circle that reads the boston globe, how to put a human face on homelessness. she has been homeless and has studied at harvard, she has written for spare change (a local newspaper written by the homeless) and spoken at universities throughout the country. she is truly a remarkable woman.

of course, she is also a magnet for trouble and tragedy. after enduring three car wrecks in a sixteen month period, none of which she was liable for, she was diagnosed with brain injury. this degenerative condition rendered her susceptible to seizures and spinal meningitis and made it impossible for her to work. since her home state has very few social services, she found herself living on the streets of boston and constantly navigating the swamps and switchbacks of mass health. did i mention that her family rejected her when she decided b.j.u. (that's bob jones university. stop laughing) wasn't the ideal environment for her education? did i mention that people from her fundamentalist youth constantly call to berate her and draw direct parallels between her refusal to wave the flag of the five fundamentals and her constantly declining health? did i mention that i, one of her last connections to the faith, failed her by scrupulously maintaining my distance lest she inhibit the forward motion of my ministry?

so i guess it is confession time. i failed her because i was afraid. i didn't know how to solve her problems. i couldn't help her navigate a social health system that she knows better than me, i couldn't treat a single one of her ever-increasing number of maladies, i couldn't be bothered by a phone call a day. so i let our connection unravel. and i've felt like shit about it ever since.

after admitting my failure to kellie, i promised myself that i would call her this week. i knew she had been in the hospital for some time and i wanted to check on her health and maybe plan a visit.

she beat me to the punch. yesterday afternoon, i was shaken out of a well-studied stupor by a phone call from my friend. i took the call and was immediately greeted by a twinge of anxiety in her voice. people had been calling her cell phone and asking for me. we didn't know why this was happening, unless....unless it had to do with the t-mobile contract that i co-signed with her almost two years ago. by the way that she recounted the situation, it sounded like the calls were from a collection agency. and so they were.

after calling the agency, and dealing with some customer servant pissant who thought he could push me around, my first thought was, "this figures. if you stand my a magnet like her, the shit is going to hit you as well." fortunately, in that moment, i was reminded of my master's words to not be anxious. furthermore, i began to suspect that walking with my friend through shit like this, instead of keeping my distance lest the smell taint my "ministry," is what following Jesus is all about.

so i've made plans to see her this weekend in order to look through the details of that contract and simply connect. i have this sneaking suspicion that there is a direct, causal correlation between my love for her and my love for God. if i want to move deeper into the latter, i need to walk forward with the former.

post scriptum: friend, if you're reading this, please know that i love you. keep on keepin' on.

overheard…

“jesus was a lover. He had a fire in his eyes that could burn away excuses, cremate your alibis. He had a gaze that would expose to you all the subtle lies, that you soul permits your heart to tell concerning all that it denies…”
~don chaffer, against the windowpane

“those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of the mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.”
~madeleine l’engle as quoted in matthew paul turner’s provocative faith

“solitude is the furnace of transformation.”
~uncle henri, the way of the heart

“i intend to go anywhere, sponsored by anybody, to preach the gospel of Christ, if there are no strings attached to my message. the one badge of christian discipleship is not orthodoxy but love. christians are not limited to any church. the only question is: are you committed to Christ?"
~billy graham, responding to the charges of fundamentalists who charged him with heresy for treating mainline protestant pastors as his brothers and sisters in Christ. i thought about this passage time and again, when i read articles like this
(http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=45083)* that condemned billy for treating bill and hillary clinton, at least one of whom is a confessing Christian, with respect. i never thought i would find the position of fundamentalists more acceptable than that of many evangelicals. at least the former drew their lines along doctrinal, instead of political, lines.

“y’all don’t know what it’s like, being male, middle-class and white.”
~ben folds, rockin’ the suburbs

*please excuse the lack of a link. blogger can suck my white ass!

a prayer for sinners and saints

becky tucker, a liturgical poet and alumnus of sinners and saints, penned this remarkable prayer for our little community. since it says things about s & s that i could not say and observes realities that i often cannot see, i thought i would post it for you.

"jeff, i pray immeasurable blessings for you and for the community at sinners and saints as you lead in a journey where the community - the transformation of individuals into a cohesive, interdependent, kingdom residing and kingdom seeking family - replaces self-change as focus.

this is where "recovering evangelical" seem so appropriate. for myself and my community, taking eyes off self and replacing the unspiritual discipline of navel gazing with the spiritual discipline of intentional community is a stretch so painful, i often feel unconfident that it will not break us-or atlest me.

God is active in the entity that sinners and saints has become and, though increasingly cynical about most things, i am hopefully confident that your growth and leadership will be a fruitful seed for a breath-taking work of communal art!!!!"

overheard...

“life isn’t happily ever after and golden sunsets and shit like that. it’s work. the person you love is rarely worthy of how big your love is. because no one is worthy of that and maybe no one deserves the burden of it, either. you’ll be let down. you’ll be disappointed and have your trust broken and have a lot of real sucky days. You lose more than you win. you hate the person you love as much as you love him. but, shit, you roll up your sleeves and work - at everything - because that’s what growing older is.”

~annabeth marcus in dennis lehayne’s mystic river

“we want to make good time, but for us now this is measured with emphasis on good, rather than time. and when you make that shift in emphasis, the whole approach changes.”

~robert pirsig, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance

“she seems so depressed sometimes by the monotony and boredom of her city life, I thought that maybe in this endless grass and wind she would see a thing that sometimes comes when monotony and boredom are accepted. It’s here, but I have no names for it.”

~robert pirsig, ibid.

“it is infinitely easier to cultivate a congregation that will listen to the Word of God than to cultivate one that will worship God.”
~pastor jack hayford, quoted in christianity today

musing…

“every crutch you use is keeping you from a deeper dependence,” he said. i believe him.

i have a closet full of crutches that keep me from fully depending upon God and entrusting my broken body to the strong, sustaining arms of the other. these crutches promise to help me stand and so sustain my life. however, every time i fall flat on the pavement i realize that their promises are illusory.

so i’m throwing them out. i’m going to cast off my crutches like a paralytic at a tent-revival. i’m going to snap them in half and set them out with the garbage. i’m sure there are crutches hidden in long-forgotten places and i know that every trial i face will tempt me to buy another set, but i can’t allow those facts to distract me from this moment of decision. the hymn is playing friends, and i’m walking forward. damn those crutches to hell…i’m going to lean on the only one that can sustain me. i’m going to depend on the life, grace and mercy that he promises and his people dispense.

amen.

musing...

on sunday evening a friend said something funny. in the midst of a conversation concerning spiritual matters he said, "you sound healthier than i have ever heard you. what strikes me about our conversation is that you did not start by talking about your personal spiritual journey. rather, you started by talking about the health of the church. your heart has been set on fire for the church."

hmm...i wish that his observation was completely true. however, the mere fact that it is partially true, that i am as interested, intrigued and intense about the spiritual well being about our community as i am about my own life, encourages me.

it encourages me. and yet, i cannot help but think about how much further i have to go. if my love for the church eventually outgrows my love for myself (and i desperately hope that it does), i think the consequences will be numerous. here are a few:

i will be more aware of how my words, my often abrasive, sarcastic, penetrating words have the potential to, or in fact do, wound others. case in point: i will not jokingly call james and rhys "fags" when one of my coworkers, who is most likely homosexual, is sitting five feet away.

i will complete those damned "not urgent but important tasks, like finalizing a leadership consulting team for the church and filing those 401c3 papers, that i would rather ignore.

i will do a better job of listening to my wife. the pixie is wise in so many ways (relational, practical, ecclesiological...) that i am not. she has so many wise things to say about the church that i will not hear unless i slow down and listen.

i will spend more time listening to God and would develop a deeper sensitivity to the Spirit. i think they have a few things to say about the church.

i will not judge my brothers and sisters.

i will stay in better touch with and develop personal relationships with the missionaries we support.

i will once again invest myself in theological reflection. i once rejected these labors because i correctly discerned that my motives were narcissistic. now, by God's grace, my motives will be communal.

i will retreat regularly for study, reflection and prayer. i will also create opportunities for others to do the same.

i will follow-up on visitors and find creative ways to encourage the members of our community.

i am sure there are other consequences. by God's grace, i will be surprised by the consequences of my love for the church becoming greater and my love for self becoming less.

if you ever have the time to pray for me, if there is one empty slot on your ever growing list, please pray that my love for the church and her Lord, will increase. may my narcissism decrease and my love for the church increase. perhaps one day my friend's assertion will be found completely true.

overheard…

“in many long hours of prayer in the caves, i realized anew that the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ supercedes all else, allowing us to experience a freedom that is not limited by the borders of a world that is itself in chains. at the same time i recognized that many of the burning theological issues in the church today are neither burning nor theological and that in an age characterized (in some quarters) by confusion, third-rate theatrics, and infidelity, it is not more rhetoric that Jesus demands but personal renewal, fidelity to the gospel and creative conduct. as emile cardinal leger said in his farewell to montreal, “the time for talking is over.”

~brennan manning, reflecting on his time with the “little brothers of Jesus” in the introduction to the importance of being foolish

meet me at "the G spot"

on saturday evening kellie and i, along with our friend erik kerr, made our way down to the emergence gathering on the south shore. as we encircled the city on I-95 we talked about our respective churches, our allusive vocations and other emerging churches we had visited.

during the latter part of our conversation erik mentioned that he had visited an emerging church that once met in warwick, rhode island. he said great things about the congregation and wondered whether their leaders had anything to do with the worship service we were planning to attend. erik said the only funny thing about the church was the name. when i inquired about the name his face broke out into a rather mischievous grin. "it was called the grace spot." "what's so odd about that," i countered. "nothing" he admitted, "except for the fact that their logo was a large circle in which was a upper case, bold font G with the word 'spot' scrawled underneath." at this point the three of us cracked up and kellie mentioned that "only conservative Christians could make such an oversight." to this, erik replied, "early on their attendance was remarkably high."

this morning, while dr. james, rhys and i laughed about the g spot we started rattling off the worst church names we have ever heard. of all of the ones i have run across, the g spot is the worst. the good dr. says that the worst he has ever heard of is the backside redemption church that meets in Maine.

ready to waste time? here is your assignment: let us in on the worst church names you have ever heard. by the end of the afternoon (5 p.m. e.s.t.) we are going to compile an all-time top five list. if anyone unseats the g spot, which is currently slotted at #1, they will receive the coveted "poo dollar."

"that's the way it was, and we liked it!"

two different people have told me this week that i am becoming an old man. since one of these illustrious individuals was my wife, i think there might be some truth to it.

so in honor of my prescient friends, and to blow of a little steam, i would like to share this little list. and to answer your question kid positive, i did shake my fist multiple times while typing this tirade. damn kids!

the world was a better place before:

• blogger mucked up my font size. their "updates" also converted my old school, unimaginative font type. i don't like it!


• major league baseball in florida


• the nhl invaded the confederate states


• cell phones. yes, all of them. no exceptions


• mochachinos, frappachinos and iced blueberry lattes


• reality television. mr. knight, i'm with rick on this one. reality t.v. is irredeemable trash


• simon cowell


• jerry bruckheimer


• nascar in new england


• plastic surgery


• the proliferation of suburban prostitution. girls, put away the skanky eighties skirts, the locust glasses and the baby tees and learn to cover your anorexic little asses


• cowboy troy
• mlb on fox


• wal-mart


• everything was made to break. i should be able to use my space heater or tape player for 24 hours a day for the 12 months it is under warranty. everything (with the possible exception of prophylactics) should be made for continuous use
• gene michael was named g.m. of the yankees


• budweiser ultra
• southwest airlines


• the moral majority, ralph reed and the republican right. the government, my dear friends, won't save you


• the democrats became cowards


• the proliferation of alternate home and road jerseys in the mlb. white at home, grey away. i want the cubs to wear pin stripes at home, the red sox to leave their batting practice jerseys in fort myers and the cardinals baby blues to remain in static display or team photos at the hall of fame


• karl rove
• the wiggles


• s.u.v.s


• robert deniro masqueraded as a comedian. the king of comedy he is not


• lindsay lohan


• i posted this list

dear readers, thank you for wasting precious minutes of your precariously short lives here. i would ask you to refrain from refuting my opinions, but such an assertion would be pointless. that being said, do not expect me to change my opinions. that’s the way it was and i liked it!

"this stage is a confessional, you kneel and then begin. yeah, you cross yourself those three times, and step into this skin." ~bill mallonee, anyside of anywhere

i've been trying to blog less at work. as much as i piss and moan about lifeway, i really love this place. who would want to loose such a golden opportunity to exploit ashley smith, pimp the purpose-driven life and commodify christ?

unfortunately such noble intentions will not keep one from sleep. blogging oftentimes will. so please allow me to piss on my commitment, crack my knuckles and pound the keyboard for a few.

confessions are funny things aren't they? it reminds me of the first time that i entered the confessional at parochial school. after father dan called me by name, reminded me of God's love and asked if there was anything that was keeping me from a full experience of God's love, i responded with a simple question: "is it true that i confess anything, from smoking pot to committing murder, and you can't tell a soul?" when he responded in the affirmative, i immediately confessed: "i was the second gunman on the grassy knoll." this admission didn't please father dan. in fact, i think it might have pissed him off. as i reflect on this incident thirteen years later i am embarassed about my irreverence and comforted by the fact that he couldn't tell.

all cheek aside, i think confession is good for the soul. i don't think you have to enter a penitential phonebooth to confess your brokenness, but you better get it done somehow. confession not only opens the door for forgiveness, it also strengthens our bonds with one another. what is most personal is most universal...indeed.

that's a long introduction to a brief confession. but, anyway, before God, you and servers throughout this great land i would like to confess that:

• i am much more materialistic than i would like to admit. late last week i accidentally emptied our checking account by overpaying our credit card bill by $975. as a result we have been counting pennies like never before and i have been fantasizing about purchases i wouldn't care less about if we had the cash. "DMB has a new album out, you have to get it," my mind insists. but, in more sane moments, i realize that their last two albums have been sub-par and when monied i have ignored the opportunity to purchase. "it's been a long week, you deserve another bottle of castle rock pinot noir," my tongue ecstatically spews. but, in reality i realize that my current desire to drink well and be the second coming of paul giamatti is going to be short lived.
  
• now that i'm ten minutes into this, i don't feel the least bit guilty about typing this at work. the convention demands and receives far too much of my sweet ass time anyway.
• when my friend josh recently reminded me that another member of our seminary squad still disliked me, it didn't bother me one bit. my whole life i have pissed 5-10% of the people in any given community off. my father once told me that sometimes when i say hello to people it sounds like "fuck you" (sorry for the curse mom. dad said it, i merely spelled it). he said this was a "gift," but i am beginning to suspect that he was being sarcastic. anyway...i have finally learned to accept that, for some reason, i am a stench in the nostrils of some people. i am finally ok with that. i am not and never will be a people pleaser. i cannot make everyone happy. i will do my best to love, serve and listen to others, but i will not try to untangle or reshape their interpretations of me.
• i ate a brown bear burger the other day. from what I heard, the bear who graciously provided our lunch was little more than a cub that just happened to be an inch over the required height limit. he tasted good. the rabbit breast, on the other hand, was filthy. there’s nothing like picking hair out of your cut of meat.
• i want to run a marathon someday and maybe write a book. but that's a secret, so don't tell.
• once, while working at orange julius, i blended a live cockroach into a customer's beverage. he was a hard-up twenty-something who was trying to seduce teenage girls at the mall. i offered him the drink free of charge and do not regret what i did.
• i would rather be ecstatic or depressed than anesthetized. yet my current emotional state could easily be characterized as the latter.
• i am the most unimaginative internet surfer ever. i visit about fifteen blogs a couple of times a day, hit cnn.com and pour over the articles at espn.com. nothing less, nothing more. exotic
  

i am beginning to think that the commonality of our sins leads to rather banal confessions. ladies and gentlemen of the jury, “exhibit A."

mid-morning time waster: (re) name that book

yesterday, lifeway was excited to receive our first shipment of james rutz's (rhymes with klutz) new book. however, since, as dr. kuzmic so cleverly noted, "mega shift" sounds far too similar to mega shit we have decided to (re) name the book in order to make it a little more family friendly.

feel free to submit a new name for this exciting new volume! lifeway's distinguished panel of judges will select one new name by the end of the business day and will award the winner with a limited edition poo dollar.



please note: this feature is produced in accompaniment with dr. james enterprises. all rights reserved.

hello jed. i'm sorry that it's been a while since i touched base. the more comfortable i get with people, the quieter i become. so consider my silence the sign and seal of our friendship.

i have been reading a number of intriguing books lately, including d.a. carson's becoming conversant with the emerging church, harry potter and the sorcerer's stone (for your information, i have not paired such fantasy reading with pewter figurines and role playing games. smart ass) and walter wangerin's book of sorrows. however, most of my reading time has been devoted to jean vanier's community and growth. but you probably already knew this.

anyway, as i was sitting on the beverly common on monday afternoon i stumbled across the following passage...

"tiny children live by love and presence - the time of childhood is a time of trust. adolescents live by generosity, utopian ideals and hope. adults become realistic, commit themselves and assume responsibilities; this is the time of fidelity. finally, old people refind the time of confidence which is also wisdom."

this is the time of fidelity. jed, i'm going to be honest with you, i've been mourning the death of ideals and dreams as of late. some of my dreams, such as the quest for theological certainty and my desire to play varsity baseball, died years ago, but their reverberations continue to pulsate through my chest. others, such as my desire for a meaningful occupation, are shriveling with each additional keystroke. i often find myself sentimentalizing the past, applying my twenty-twenty hindsight to past failure, longing to relive certain parts of my ever expanding life once again.

but i can't. those days are dead now and every 6 a.m. resurrection pushes me out into the present. so as utopian dreams drift away like dear brigadoon i am left only with an unfinished master's degree, a tedious life in a cube, the small band of unbelieving believers who consider me one of their own, a wife that is constructed of things eternal, and the poems, prose and apocalypses that serve as a guide to reality.

jed, i could spend all day flagellating myself with questions concerning my attempted entry into the citadel, why i sacrificed the experience of redemptive community on the altar of theological abstractions or whether i could have learned to "slow down the game" and utilize this slingshot God gave me. but such questions disassociate me from the present and lead me out of the moment.

the moment in which i am called to be faithful to my wife, responsible for this small band of unbelieving believers and a competent commodifier of our lord and savior jesus christ. you went too early jed, but at least you got to take your ideals and dreams with you. keeping your feet moving once those have dissolved is a bitch.

anyway, john tetzel just shot me a nasty look, so i better get back to work. as he and the upper management of lifeway are always reminding me, "every time a coin in the coffer rings, the soul from southern baptist purgatory springs." the time of fidelity. glamorous.

happy haiku friday!

solidarity

servants of monotony

solidarity

overheard...

"i beseech you from the bowels of Christ to consider that you may be mistaken." ~oliver cromwell as quoted in robert ludlum's the janson directive

"the pains of community are situated between the joy of this communion and friendship with Jesus and the joy of giving life to others: the mission." ~vanier, community and growth, pg. 84

"mission is revealing to others their fundamental beauty, value and importance in the universe, their capacity to love, to grow and to do beautiful things and to meet God. Mission is transmitting to people a new inner freedom and hope; it is taking away from their shoulders the terrible yoke of fear and guilt. to give life to people is to reveal to them that they are loved just as they are by God..." ibid, pg. 86.

"we did it. he did. i did. we rose to the challenge working together, and the fact that it required all of me, that i was in it with my family and for my family, that i was surrounded by wild, shimmering beauty and it was, well, kind of dangerous made the time...transcendent. i was no longer stasi. i was sacagawea, indian princess of the west, a valiant and strong woman."
~sacagawea, from harried housewife to holy warrior: my personal epic, pg. 3.

overheard...

saint therese's prayer for "Christian singles"

"we who are not committed to you, Jesus, in either a consecrated celibacy or marriage, we who are not committed to our brothers in a community, are coming to renew our covenant with you.

we are still on the road to which you have called us, but whose name you haven't given us; we are carrying the poverty of not knowing where you are leading us.

on this road, there is the pain of not being chosen, not being loved, not being waited for, not being touched. there is the pain of not choosing, not loving, not waiting, not touching. we don't belong. our house is not a home; we have nowhere to lay our head.

even though we have become impatient and depressed when faced with the choices of others, unhappy when faced with their efficiency, we still say 'yes' to our road. we believe that it is the road of our fecundity (def: a word that suggests our potential for growth and fruitfulness. it speaks of our capacity to give life), the road we must take to grow in you.

because our hearts are poor and empty, they are available. we make them a place of welcome for our brothers. because our hearts are poor and empty, they are wounded. we let the cry of our thirst rise to you.

and we thank you, Lord, for the road of fecundity you have chosen for us."
~quoted in vanier's community and growth on page 68

"to accept being rooted in a community is more or less preceded by a recognition that you are already 'at home,' that you are a part of its body. it is rather similar to marriage; couples recognize that something has been born between them and that they are made ready for each other. it is only then that they are ready to commit themselves to marriage and remain faithful to each other.

so in community everything starts with this recognition of being in communion with one another; we are made to be together. you wake up one morning knowing that the bonds have been woven; and then you make the active decision to commit yourself and promise faithfulness, which the community must confirm." ~ibid, 69.

concerning young people who ignore God's call on their lives: "these people do not believe enough in either themselves or the call; they do not know that there is a spring in them waiting to be freed to irrigate our parched world. so many young people do not know the beauty of life that is in them and which can grow." ~ibid, 73.

friday afternoon time wasters...

after unbearably long delay, from pla ya 2 pra ya finally arrived at lifeway's distribution center!

however, in their haste to ship this fine product the publisher failed to provide a full and adequate description. if you are a former pla ya who by god's grace has been turned in2 a pra ya, please hook up your favorite christian store with a fine lookin' description. come on, y'all, use those mad keyboard skillz in the service of our lord jesus christ!

et tu? brute?

so there i am, enjoying a relaxing evening with the pixie. run completed, a soft rain falling outside, relatively subdued bitch at my feet and academy award winner in the dvd player. then, right in the midst of my middle class bliss, my ass explodes.

she food poisoned me. photographic evidence to follow...

musing...

"our world has more and more need of 'intermediate communities -- places where young people can stay and find certain inner freedom before they make their (vocational) decision" (vanier, community and growth, pg. 61-62).

"it is in these intermediate communities where they find also meaningful work, that they will be able to shed some of the fears that weigh them down and prevent them from discovering their deep selves. it is only when they discover that they are loved by God and by others, and that they can do beautiful things for others, that they begin to get in touch with what is deepest in them" (ibid, 62).

"for a community to play this 'intermediate' role, it must have a core of people who are really rooted there" (ibid).

while talking with jon wise yesterday i made a comment about our community's upcoming conversion to sinners and saints 3.0. although our church is only two and a half years old, we have already had two distinct groups of people who have journeyed with us, moved on to other locales (where a number of them have done spectacular Kingdom work) and have been quickly replaced. with the kuzmic's dispersion on the immediate horizon and the blessed introduction of the townsends and leanne to our community, we find ourselves in the midst of transition yet again.

however, this time i do not feel the need to brace for the change nor am i dreading this upcoming conversion. although i am not looking forward to sending the kuzmic's (and with them our entire "children's ministry") out to southern california, i am beginning to realize that this is the nature of our community. at this point in our development sinners and saints attracts primarily young adults who are in the process of discovering who they are, being equipped for the work they are being called to do and orienting themselves to God's vocational call upon their lives. as a community we can either bemoan the loss and regular transition that characterizes our ministry or we can welcome the wayfarers that the Spirit leads to our door; provide a warm, yet challenging environment in which they can continue to become the people God has called them to be; and, eventually, send them out to be incarnations of the gospel and Christ's compassion to the ends of the earth.

sinners and saints is undoubtedly one of the intermediate communities that vanier is talking about. i pray that we will effectively discern the nature of our community, continue to develop and deepen our core of people who are committed to this work and effectively fulfill our little role in God's gracious and ever expanding Kingdom.

brushback pitches

last night, while watching the cardinals pick apart the red sox one single at a time, a few semi-coherent baseball thoughts flitted through my mind. since such thoughts issued forth from a quarter of a bottle of wine fog i planned to keep them to myself, but, since michael of tennessee asked for it, here they are.

• after the cardinals game i flipped over to the dodgers/tigers game and was caught off guard by the quality of vin scully's commentary. vin has been with the dodgers since brooklyn, understands the visible nuances of the game like few others and, since he calls the game by himself, avoids the mind numbing banter that characterizes most broadcasting pairs. is there any reason, other than possible age discrimination, that fox chose mccarver/buck to anchor their national broadcasts? is there a more competent broadcaster in the game than scully? can we convince congress to provide an exception to the cloning legislation so that we can produce about 29 replicas of scully? i need answers...


• to those few thousand, probably imported, idiots who booed renteria at the start of the cardinals game last night: piss off. if we had overpaid renteria we would likely be without the mulder/grudzilanek/eckstein trifecta that has paid such great dividends. show the man some frickin' respect.


• to pastor rick: they are still not as good as they seem, but they are getting stronger. if hampton's injury persists and the marlins continue to struggle we may be able to hoist another banner at busch.


• i'm not the prophet, nor the son of a prophet, but i will make this prediction. suppan will get shellacked tonight and carpenter will win the rubber game on wednesday.


• that last part reminds me of my favorite topps trivia question ever: "How long is the pitcher's rubber? 24 inches." from what i heard, the writer of that question was immediately fired by topps. however, he eventually righted himself by penning a certain, highly acclaimed screen play for paul thomas anderson.


• although i hate to admit it, derek lee deserves to start the all-star game at 1st base. pujols will get the votes, but lee deserves the start. how's that for (painful) objectivity?


• did the last minute, pre-draft signings of weaver and drew signal the beginning of the end for boras? i sure hope so.


• looks like i was wrong about the As and the White Sox. sue me.


• concerning the DL....so sorry to hear about b. roberts and c. barmes and still savoring the announcements about prior and j. gonzalez.


• last night the red sox announcers were whining about the unfair advantage national league teams have when playing interleague games in their own park. save it. the american league and players association can celebrate the lady's aide all they want, but the senior league will continue to eschew it.


• does anyone care that a-rod is utilizing psychotherapy to help him come to grips with his latent homosexuality? i didn't think so.


• funniest announcer bio i've heard thus far: last night scully mentioned that j. bonderman was a member of 4-H during childhood. i wonder if bonderman's widely reported illiteracy reflects poorly on the organization.

okay, i feel kind of bad about the last comment, but probably not bad enough to delete it. perhaps pangs of conscience will strike later. it's not as heartless as my plans for u.s. population reduction or anything...

as always, i welcome your thoughts and opinions. mike of tennessee, i hope this makes you happy.

overheard: excerpts from jean vanier's community and growth

• "envy is one of the plagues that destroys community. it comes from people’s ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts. if we were confident in our own gift, we would not envy that of others."


• "a community is only truly a body when the majority of its members is making the transition from 'the community for myself' to 'myself for the community,' when each person's heart is opening to all the others, without any exception. this is the movement from egotism to love, from death to resurrection; it is the Easter, a passage, a passover of the Lord. it is also the passing from a land of slavery to a promised land, the land of inner freedom."


• "to love, we must die continually to our own ideas, our own susceptibilities and our own comfort. the path of love is woven of sacrifice."


• a community is not simply a group of people who live together and love each other. it is a place of resurrection, a current of life: one heart, one soul, one spirit."

overheard

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions."

~Rainer Maria Rilke

reasons I am not a youth minister

this morning I spent a few moments over at becky.bear’s blog. becky was one of the early members of s & s. she recently moved onto seattle, where she is pursuing yet another master’s degree, creating a micro art collaborative and creating Christian community among seattle’s sonic youth. i love to taunt becky about her sixteen inch shoes and rockabilly style, but i have only the deepest respect for her character, ability and heart for God. anyway, while i was reading about her attempts to create a vbs according to brian mclaren, i began to think about why i am not a youth minister. as you might have guessed, this is a long way of introducing yet another list.

reasons i am not a youth minister:

thou shalt not give teenagers swirlys. from what i hear that is one of the first commandments in the youth ministry book. yet, i confess, i have broken it.

thou shalt not put “tweens” in the trunk of a car. yet another commandment that yours truly has shattered.

thou shalt not openly laugh at other youth minister’s admonitions. yet this is how i responded when another youth minister told my kids to trash their secular cds.

thou shalt care if the bean dip shows up at the pool party. but i never gave a shit.

thou shalt not encourage tweens to throw stones at one another. yet i have and do. in fact, one of my afterschool kids received a battle scar yesterday afternoon.

thou shalt utilize a number of non-competitive games. i have blatant disregard for this rule and am more than willing to go “Billy” on a child when you put a four square ball in my hand.

thou shalt do stupid, idiotic tricks for missions' money. so i was never willing to stick my head in a toilet, drink regurgitated soda or finger paint with my own feces in order to send more Bibles to Cambodia…shoot me.

thou shalt utilize hand motions while singing worship songs. i only know one hand motion and most people don’t consider it appropriate for worship.

thou shalt not smoke, drink or openly attend and celebrate Kevin smith movies. guilty, guilty, guilty.

thou shalt not react in a violent way when a teen strikes you in the face. um, i’m pleading the fifth on this one.

thou shalt not tear up jesus tees and use them to wash one’s toilet. yet they had to be put to some use.

thou shalt not "hook up" with one of thy youth sponsors. um, yeah. i had to find some way to encourage her to volunteer. at least i never contemplated connecting with one of the kids.

thus ends today’s edition of uncalled for confessions. if you want to read about a real youth minister in action, check out becky’s blog.

musing...

okay, now that I’ve pissed and moaned a bit too much about work, it’s time to return to my previous question. how does one pursue authentic spirituality? before I say anything more, allow me to confess that the whole time i’ve been writing this, david dark has been haunting my head and reminding me that every time I talk about stuff like God, confession and spirituality i don’t know exactly what i’m talking about. so, rest assured that i offer this with more than a little bit of fear and trembling.

first off, let me confess my ambivalence towards the term authentic. this therapeutic term has been utilized to such a great degree by the church growth movement and mass marketers (yes…sometimes I also wonder if there is a difference) that i question its usefulness. usually when people speak about being “authentic,” they are referring to their desire to share their unguarded thoughts, feelings and emotions with the other. instead of talking about “authentic” spirituality i would be much more willing to talk about “honest” spirituality. when i hear the term authentic i envision people sharing their thoughts and emotions in service of an agenda (such as evangelism or the new cell phone plan they are marketing), but when i hear the term honest, i envision people who are willing to share their most deeply held beliefs without discounting their most deeply held doubts. so let’s exchange the warm and fuzzy therapeutic term for a term that, has some sharper edges and carries a heavier weight of meaning.

second, since i am a Christian, when i talk about spirituality, i am restricting my thoughts to Christian spirituality. this does not mean that other spiritualities are without merit, but simply that i am speaking of that which I know (in part). namely, the spirituality which finds its roots in the Jewish and Christian scriptures, is self-consciously shaped by the life, death and resurrection of Christ, is constantly nourished by stories of the spiritual mothers and fathers who added their verse to the epic story of church history and works itself out within the context of Christian community.

now that the preliminaries are out of the way, i would like to share a few, admittedly provisional, thoughts. for Christians i think a better way to frame this discussion would be to talk about confessional spirituality. by using the term “confessional” i intend to convey two different, yet complimentary things.

one, i am using the term confessional to suggest that as we pursue God along this narrow road of faith that Christ has set for us, we should seek to do so humbly by admitting our manifold failures and fuckups, and generously, by listening to those who are upon other paths and those who walk the same path at a different pace and/or in a different way. my hunch is that all of us, from jean vanier and Eugene Peterson to the freshest convert and most naïve seeker have much more in common with the kindergartener who is “following the leader” than an expert who can hold court on how to follow Christ. as we walk upon this road let us be encouraged by one another’s confession that we don’t know the way we are going nor how we are going to get there. for it is this kind of humble confession that provides solace to our lack of certainty and compels us to put our faith in and follow the leader.

two, i am using the term confessional to suggest that confessional spirituality treasures the historic confessions of the scriptures, such as the Shema in Deut. 6:1-4 and Matt. 16:13, as well as the classic confessions of the Christian faith. I once heard andy crouch, creator of re:generation journal and current columnist for Christiannity Today, define orthodoxy as “being able to say the apostle’s creed without having your fingers crossed behind your back.” i really like that definition. i would also like to add that using the apostle’s or Nicene creed as a basis of confession does not require either that we understand the undulating depths of each doctrine or that we have begun to grasp the height and depth, length and width of the love of God. rather, the confessions simply give us a historically sound precipice off of which we can dive into the life of faith.

okay, that’s enough for now. i would like to nuance my explanation of confession a bit and say what I mean about spirituality, but i (a) doubt my ability to do so and (b) have to get back to work. of course, if you would like to question anything i have said, add further reflections or put forth your own ideas, please feel free to do so. as i’ve said before, all of us are smarter than any of us. i’d love to hear from you.

post scriptum--i haven't had a ton of time to edit this. so i would like to ask the grammar queers for clemency.

talk about a devolution…

my attitude towards work has devolved a bit. although a few weeks ago i was fairly content with my job, i am now tempted to stand on top of my desk, pull the “f*ck you, f*ck you, you’re cool, f*ck you, I’m out” scene out of my ass and collect unemployment.

my therapist said that jotting down a list of reasons to remain at lifeway would be beneficial. so, here are my reasons (in no specific order):

i should remain in my position at lifeway because:

1. that long awaited bruce wilkinson interview is always just over the horizon.

2. the employee appreciation gifts are priceless (the “magic” jar opener, family umbrella and TogetherEveryoneAccomplishesMore chocolate bar were particularly precious).

3. i've heard that other offices frown on intermittent profanity.

4. i love the 3 unpaid saturdays that i work every year!

5. i could not live without my lifesize cardboard likeness of dr. dobson (and the twinges of lust the aforementioned likeness produces).

6. i would miss conversing with our insightful, discerning shoppers every christmas season (e-i-e-i-fucking-o!).

7. from all appearances the receptionist really, really likes me.

8. i do not want a drunken monkey to replace me.

9. i do not value original thought.

10. i would miss the provocative questions that characterize our monthly meetings.

11. lobotomies are covered in the employee health plan.

12. wal-mart won’t hire me and orange julius won’t let me return.

phew, i feel better. perhaps a little break from my meaningless work was all that i needed!

musing…

for a number of years i believed that substantial training must precede one’s immersion in Christian mission. for this reason, i tried to provide the students and young adults in the ministries that i led with the opportunity to develop the interpretive skills and spiritual disciplines they would need in order to fully participate in the church’s mission of embodied proclamation and compassion. recently a number of things, including the visit of a Haitian missionary to s & s as well as deeper reflection on previous ministry experience, has led me to believe that my assumption (which I think is shared by most Christian education programs and, to a lesser extent, christian institutions of “higher learning”) was at least partially incorrect (if not woefully inept). i am now beginning to realize that the skills and disciplines i sought to teach are more likely to develop in the midst of mission than they are to precede mission. it is the mission of God, not the desire for abstract knowledge or the need to complete a checklist of required qualifications, that compels us to seek His presence through prayer and learn to listen more effectively to His Word. i realize this stuff is probably old hat to many of you, but it has been difficult for me to grasp.

moving forward…

on sunday, june 5 I will be participating in a panel discussion at The Gathering in Salem. the topic for the evening is “pursuing authentic spirituality.” since i am a big believer that “all of us is smarter than any of us,” and somewhat desperate for talking points, i would like to hear what you have to say about this matter. how would you define “authentic spirituality?” what are some of the characteristics of authentic spirituality? how can we contrast “authentic spirituality” with inauthentic and/or hypocritical religious practice? do you question the value of the term authentic in regards to the practice of spirituality? are there any examples of authentic spirituality (i.e., books, music, movies, mentors) that you find particularly intriguing?

if you have any thoughts on this matter, please feel free to post in my comments or email me directly at jeffkelliegentry@yahoo.com. i already have thought through this matter a bit, so i am not completely void of talking points, but i would really like to hear what you have to say. i would love to hear the perspectives of those who do not profess Christ and would be encouraged to hear from lurkers as well. thanks for your help!

happy haiku friday!

circle 'round kiddos

learn how to market our Lord

watch out for the whip

memorandum from captain random

• in the midst of our afternoon walk, dizzy shit in front of her favorite convent. i was not surprised to find foreign objects in her excrement. foreign objects that i have found thus far: pieces of electrical cord, splinters of wood, remnants of my 180 earmuffs, fragments of richard russo's nobody's fool, and tassels from the red and black blanket that becky made us. of all the foreign objects, the tassels are my favorite, since they tend to suspend pieces of her shit and that makes for quite a show.


• kellie and i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again on sunday night. the more i watch and reflect on this film, the more i appreciate it. i love how the story is able to raise metaphysical questions (i.e., the possibility of determinism, the possibility of providence) without ignoring the blundering beauty of the humanity (note the themes of forgiveness, self-awareness and reconciliation). if our preaching, teaching and creating could evidence such a skillful balance of "vertical" and "horizontal" issues, our communities would undoubtedly benefit.


• i decided to surprise a friend by buying two tickets to the upcoming folds/wainright tour for his birthday. the tickets set me back $95. i thought the tickets were a bit overpriced at $35, but it was ticketmasters' $8.50 surcharge per seat that really pissed me off. if folds doesn't score the second, substantially longer set, i am going to bolt. mark, you know i love you if i am willing not only to deal with rufus and his puffy shirt wearing, poof ass, but also pay for the tickets.


• warning: the cardinals are not as spectacular as they appear. their pitching has been mediocre and will have to improve if they are going to make a run in october.


• in better news, gordon edes of the globe reported that the cubs are seriously considering firing dusty baker and replacing him with grady little. this cardinal fan is praying that this will indeed happen and is going to bed with dreams of brock for broglio dancing in his head.


• from the wtf files: after listening to the order of the phoenix on audiobook and reading the first half of the goblet of fire i have become a harry potter fan. i will undoubtedly buy the next book and cannot wait for the movie version of goblet.


• i read an article by john macarthur on crosswalk.com yesterday that sent me up the wall. i was simply shocked by how much my understanding of salvation and judgment differ from his. if you want to read the article, and try to figure out which parts pissed me off, you can find it here.

musing...

early sunday morning we filled our cylinders with coffee and slowly made our way to the beach. on the way she spoke of her divorce, emphasizing both the causes and consequences in manner that was both concise and heartfelt. after listening to her story for twenty minutes or so i felt compelled to play the pastor by offering advice, suggesting a solution or pointing out the first rays of resolution. fortunately, i resisted the compulsion. instead, i simply noted that it seems to me learning to suffer well is the mark of maturity.

sunday evening, while lazily watching television with the pixie, i walked through the conversation once again. as the frames flew through my mind i thanked God for enabling me to resist my compulsion and openly wondered whether my description of maturity was too simplistic. after thinking about it a bit, i think the latter is true. maturity, it seems to me, is not only marked by the ability to suffer, but is also marked by the ability to appreciate the humor of our upended expectations as well as the ability to snatch a thread of hope out of the hands of despair.

thinking back to the setting of our conversation i was reminded of a scene in the wizard's tide by uncle freddy. near the end of the novel, the little boy, who serves as the protagonist, and his grandmother are walking along the long island shore. the boy is overwhelmed by the destructive capability of the ocean, its ability to swallow you whole, produce tidal waves that destroy homes and, in an instant, sink ships. while not ignoring the truth of the boy's thoughts the grandmother tells him that waves of life, terrible and turbulent as they may be, are carrying us towards the shore. surely it takes great faith to believe that the waves of pain and suffering, as well as the more welcome waves of joy and the spray of silliness, are carrying us towards the far shore. but that is the kind of faith i strive for. i hope and pray it is the kind of faith you are striving for as well.

busted balls and broken dreams

they had been waiting for twenty-seven minutes for his father to show up. the afterschool program is over at 6 p.m. on wednesdays, but his father wasn't there to pick him up. it was not a surprise. daddy had forgotten before.

for the first twelve minutes of their extended time together, the tutor and the boy threw a bouncy ball at each other. the tutor was trying to help the boy develop soft hands so that he would become a better second baseman. the boy was trying to throw the ball in the street in hopes that the tutor would curse, scamper into traffic and perhaps get killed. no such luck. the tutor has soft hands.

at 6.13 p.m. the tutor handed the boy his cell phone and instructed him to call his father. his father immediately answered and said he would arrive in "two seconds." no problem, the tutor thought, the father only lives three blocks away. so the tutor and the boy went to the front of the parking lot and waited.

and waited. around 6.25 p.m. the father had still failed to materialize and the tutor knew that he was going to be late for dinner with an old friend. this pissed him off. aware of the tension, the boy started to chatter with the tutor. while chattering the boy slung his keys, which were attached to a curly, elastic cord, around his body. "whap" the keys slapped against the boy's thigh, while he told the tutor how crazy his dad is. "whap" the keys hit the opposite thigh while the boy made fun of the tutor for fretting about his dinner date. "slap," the keys resounded as they slapped the little boy's genitals. "ooooh, ah ha ha," the boy said. "that hurt." ever the educator, the tutor suggested that in order to protect himself from future damage he might want to stop swinging the keys. but the boy just smiled and continued: "whap, slap, slap, whap, whap, slap, slap." after smacking himself in the genitals five times the boy doubled over in pain and stopped slinging the keys.

but, by that point, the damage was already done. the boy's balls were sore, the tutor's ideals were shattered and they were both far less sanguine about the future of humanity.

overheard

“boys and girls in america have such a sad time together. sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. not courting talk, real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment precious.” ~jack kerouac, on the road

"there is one word in america that says it all, and that one word is, 'you never know.'" ~joaquin andujar, pitcher and bodhisattva

“all that has been said but multiplies the avenues to what remains to be said.” ~herman melville as quoted by david dark in his superb book the gospel according to america

”you can’t say you never had a doubt, and smoked it down, but really wanted out.” ~ben folds, you to thank

happy anniversary to me

today is the anniversary of: brown v. board of education, the first gay marriage ceremony performed in the commonwealth of massachusetts and this blog. as i mentioned to kellie only moments ago, the one-year mark provides a good opportunity to reflect upon the good, the bad and the ugly of this blog and to dream a bit about what it could be. here goes...

the good

• much to my surprise, this blog has been a wonderful instrument of reconciliation. over the past year i have discovered the overwhelming beauty of people i once despised jamie, i'm staring through glassy eyes at you), received forgiveness for past offences (including: smashed worms, studied indifference and unchecked pride) and have regularly been reconnected with people whom i thought had long forgotten me. an illustration of the latter component. a week or so ago i heard from scott ellis, a high school classmate, sublime center fielder, parochial school teacher and all-around good guy. before i heard from scotty i hadn't spoken to or seen someone from bishop kelley high for eight years. simply hearing his (virtual) voice again reminded me that there is no ground, however badly burned and thoroughly salted, that is completely inhospitable to new life. scott's email was more than a friendly invitation to a ten-year reunion. it was a sacrament.


• the process of writing on a daily basis has shown me that i can indeed conjugate a verb, shape a metaphor and deliver a joke. granted, my pronunciation still sucks, but i can use a keyboard to communicate a bit of the goodness, beauty and truth of life to others. because of this another whisper of inadequacy has been silenced and i am beginning to find my "voice." thanks be to God!


• related to latter assertion, i have also found the courage to put a few brushback pitches down on paper. this probably seems irrelevant to you, but for someone who is in awe of, and cowers before, the likes of bill james, buster olney and "the commissioner" peter gammons, this is big.


• the blog has helped me to move from hostility to hospitality. i have found that in the midst of solitude, a practice that is essential to my spiritual life, it is easy to pass judgment on others and establish barriers to community. the blog forces me out of the silence of solitude and into the dialogue of the greater community. the call and response cadence of this dialogue has broadened my understanding of humanity, deepened my compassion for others and driven me back to solitude (where i can continue to become the prayerful, subversive servant that God has called me to be).


• the blog has also enabled me to continue to communicate with, learn from and serve those who are now a part of the city on a hill diaspora.


• in the next year i would like to post a few more pictures of our beautiful, quirky little city, my friends and family (including dizzy) and other miscellaneous subjects. of course, this will require purchasing a camera and actually caring it with me...so don't get your hopes up.

the bad

• my political posts. i am a hyper-opinionated person with strong political persuasions. thus i was not surprised that political propaganda found its way into my posts. however, i was surprised to discover was how much heat and little light emanated from such posts. at this point i simply do not know how valuable it is for a pastor to engage him or herself in sustained, partisan debate. i am not saying that politics has no part to play in my life, but i do not know how to integrate my perspectives on national affairs with my participation in the ongoing subversion that is the Kingdom of God. i cannot promise that you will never hear my political perspectives on this page again, but i can promise that such posts will be marked by a more measured, provisional and generous tone.


• my comments. i cannot tell you how many times i have dropped a crass, unloving or ill-considered comment on someone else's blog. i usually delete these comments as soon as they, in all their published glory, are staring me in the face, but still... over the course of the next year, i want to be as careful about my comments as i am about my posts. as a side note, this lament does not extend to anything i have posted on jon wise's blog. in those comments i have not attacked the session or impugned anyone's character. i have simply tried to defend someone i know well and love more than most.


• too many of my recent posts could be filed under the title of "mental masturbation." while i think a number of these posts are funny and provocative, they don't require much creativity or thought on my part. expect, and demand if necessary, more substantial posts from me.

the ugly:

• the shot of my ass that sat front and center for a day and a half. i'll admit that it was ugly, but will not apologize.

of course, if you have any reflections on the last year, thoughts about this post, or hopes for the year to come, feel free to share.

memorandum from captain random

• every time i hear the twang in john hiatt's voice i realize that the "ole acorn doesn't fall far from the tree." i think that my penchant for folk music is simply a sophisticated expression of my boyhood love of country music. that being said, every time i hear someone talk about new country (read: shania twain, rascal flatts and toby keith) i am tempted to throw the country A-K rack out in the street and go work for a virgin megastore.


• i recently received confirmation from the seminary that they had waived my immunization requirements due to my "stated religious objections." i never registered an objection, but do have a friend who works in the registration department. it pays to have friends in high places


• i've been reading a church growth book by thom rainer and actually enjoying it. shhh! don't tell any of my emergent friends.


• you know you're getting old when an unexpected office meeting makes you doubt your ability to pay the mortgage.


• memo to mr. pearass: you know you are loved when Gentry agrees to accompany you to a rufus wainright show. the aforementioned upright, integrous citizen cannot believe he is going to subject himself to such excesses of cruising, camp and cheese.


• memo to mr. folds: Gentry expects you to make aforementioned evening worthwhile.


• memo to self: keep saying "aforementioned." it makes you sound sophisticated


• that is all. i must now return to the pimp-driven life

please note: the aforementioned post was brought to you by the good folks at LifeWay Christian Stores. the opinions, language and sexual innuendo included within are not endorsed by LifeWay, but are the sole intellectual property of Mr. Gentry.

thursday afternoon, 2:11 p.m.

heart rent
hands shaking
head spinning
and feet cold

against better instinct
i light up and lean on a crutch

is this what it feels like when you speak?
am i reacting to a screaming conscience or a still, small voice?

i not only need the Holy Spirit.
i also need a new hermeneutic.

musing about Lk. 4:14-30

the gospel is not merely a proposition we need to believe. it is also a reversal and release that we need to experience. after being immersed in evangelical theology for eight years i can effectively explain, apply and illustrate the truth of substitutionary atonement. however, as the years fly by i am beginning to realize that this proposition is only a door that leads us into a deeper experience of salvation.

i could not believe the gospel if i had not descended through the depths of depression (and the substance abuse, self-loathing and catatonic nights at a 24 hour, hopper inspired diners that accompanied it) only to find the broken Christ at the bottom. it is this Christ, the utterly forsaken, yet full of faith, that led me to believe that the abyss is not the end.

moreover, i suspect that Christ commanded the seventy times seven because he knew that we needed to extend as well as receive the release of the gospel. perhaps it is not until we have proclaimed release to the prisoners of our expectations and unshackled others from their onerous obligations that we can fully enter into the year of the Lord's favor.

my prayer for you, dear reader, does not differ from my personal petition. i pray that we will fully experience the reversal and release that is offered to us in Jesus Christ. God help us if we settle for a proposition when we can fully experience the year of the Lord's favor.

can anything good come out of west virginia?

"described by his attorney as a white-haired businessman in his mid-50s, christ is moving to west virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle. he bought property near lost river, about 100 miles west of washington, and has a u.s. passport, social security card and washington driver's license bearing the name jesus christ."

more...

brushback extra: an in-game running diary

the diz is asleep on the couch, kellie has cashed out for the night and alex is drinking bud light and hanging out with his townie team buddies. that leaves me here all alone, watching the cardinals and the dodgers. so i thought i'd thrash up a little brushback extra.

9:20 p.m. the cardinals are up 1-0 due to a first inning pujols homer and an altogether admirable performance by mulder. how am i able to watch this regional presentation on FSN st. louis you ask? because my grandfather surprised me with the extra innings baseball package for mother's day. or maybe it was simply on mother's day. who knows? whatever the reason, i am grateful!

9:26 p.m. danny haren is 1-5 and mulder is pitching like an ace. maybe jocketty did know what he was doing...and maybe i'm changing my official position on the barton/haren/calero for mulder trade again.

9:26 p.m. danny haren is 1-5 and mulder is pitching like an ace. maybe jocketty did know what he was doing...and maybe i'm changing my official position on the barton/haren/calero for mulder trade again.

9:31 p.m. considering how well youkilis has been playing as well as how poorly bellhorn has performed, you have to wonder why francona doesn’t slot mueller at 2nd and ‘youk’ at 3rd more often. the sox would definitely increase their number of productive outs that way.

9:34 p.m. mulder just gave up a double. that wouldn’t have been a problem if he hadn’t walked the #7 to open the inning. @@#$@#$!!! walks and errors. i know all about the former, since i was BB king during my days on the mound. 1-1 knot.

the cards have been on the cusp of putting up a crooked number all night. if they don’t get some runs on the board soon, they’re going to let this game get away from them.

9:42 p.m. eckstein and grudzilanek just set the table for pujols. let’s see what happens…I think they are “unintentionally” walking pujols again. that’s going to continue to happen until edmonds and rolen start swingin’ the lumber. i was wrong. they pitched to him and albert hit a three run homer, his second of the night. you should have seen the at bat, he tried to slash the ball the other way and missed by inches, then he tried to pull it down the third base line and missed by inches, and he finished with a flourish by driving a pitch over the left-center power alley. with this guy every AB is a clinic. 4-1 cardinals.

9:58 p.m. a bit earlier joe buck made a self-depreciating comment about how many negative emails he receives every game. it appears that not everyone adores him. much to my dismay, i am on the verge of identifying myself with this disgruntled group. let me begin by saying that i do not expect joe to be jack. just as the missouri will never measure up to the mississippi and eckstein will never measure up to renteria, joe will never measure up to jack. the latter was an icon, the vanquisher of that clown caray and the suggestive whisper of the midwestern ether for fifty years. however, i do expect joe to develop a voice of his own. if, failing to find his voice, he chooses to imitate (as most of us do), he should follow in the footsteps of his father instead of those of tim mccarver and budweiser’s head of advertising. he’s better than that yankee ass-kisser and much better than “slama-lama-ding-dong.” refine your voice, joe, and be your own man. and, in the end, you might reflect favorably on your father’s legacy.

10:16 p.m. nancy drew didn’t feel up to playing tonight. what a surprise! In more serious news, mulder has runners on first and second and two outs. this will probably be the crucial batter of the game. especially since crackhead Bradley is on-deck. mulder struck out repko on a borderline pitch (a number the calls tonight have been shaaady) to end the threat. crisis averted.

10:27 p.m. there is no doubt that the white sox are red hot. but i still think that the twins will take the division. the twinkies are just too deep. on another note, if tavarez is not the second coming of joaquin andujar i don’t know who is.

10:35 p.m. after a rolen error (his second of the night!) there are runners on first and second and one out. another crucial situation…that could lead to a tavarez meltdown. we’ll see. side note: rolen looks as lost in the field as he is at the plate.

10:36 p.m. tavarez induces a ground ball. two outs. with runners on first and third la russa brings in ray “burger” king. we aren’t out of the woods yet.

10:40 p.m. shit. burger let “double play” ledee have it his way and it is now 4-2.

10:41 p.m. burger induces the f-7 and we’re through 7½.

10:45 p.m. pujols takes a pitch under the chin and continues his perfect night with a walk. Pujols didn’t like the chin music, however, so expect one of the dodgers to get a little of the same either tonight or tomorrow. Speaking of which, bissinger provides an interesting view into la russa’s reluctant decisions to bean or not to bean opposing players in 3 nights in august. i just finished the latter work this afternoon and have to give it a b-minus. there is very little innovative or original baseball thought in the book, but the prose is above average and i enjoyed reading about la russa (who will henceforth be known as TLR).

10:59 a.m. the cards just pissed away a first and second, no out scenario. Hope that it doesn’t come back to bite them.

11:09 p.m. though it wasn’t particularly pretty, burger has secured two outs in the ninth and left only a single runner on first. now it’s up to reyes to finish things up. of course, bradley is up. nothing ever comes easy.

11:13 p.m. reyes made bradley look silly and the cardinals are 20-11. this wanna-be sports blogger is going to bed. i’m too old for this shit.

link-o-matic
while ignoring the daily grind of life here at lifeway i stumbled across a couple of links that i thought you might enjoy.

the first is metacritic. this site provides a fairly comprehensive overview of the recent reviews for books, movies and dvds. i have a sneaking suspicion that uncle cade would give it his stamp of approval.

the second is montage-a-google. this engine creates montages of google images. thus you can type in a search term like cardinals, salinger or feces and it will automatically create a montage. i trust that you will use this resource for good instead of evil.

the third is not so much a link as it is an encouragement to click on the thomas kinkade link in my previous post. doing so will not drop you into john malkovich's head or anything, but it will provide you with a little bit of fun.

do enjoy these links, dear readers.

overheard

"start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly, you are doing the impossible." ~st. francis of assisi

"the rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of contemporary violence. to allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence." ~thomas merton

"my dear child, you must believe in God in spite of what the clergy tell you." ~benjamin jowett

i'd love to tell you that these quotations arose from my reading, but they did not. instead, (yes, i am almost ashamed to admit this) i found them while preparing an excerpt for jan karon's a continual feast. i am afraid that if i find illumination in the works of jan karon i'll soon be finding spiritual significance in the masterpieces of thomas kinkade. i think i just threw up in my mouth.

happy haiku friday!

come, let us conspire

to kill reciprocity

and give birth to grace

brushback pitches

• the cardinals are 18-8, 10 games over .500 and sporting their best record at this point since 1948. and yes, i'm enjoying every minute of it.


• i've been devouring 3 nights in august by buzz bissinger. the book chronicles a cubs/cardinals series in 2003 and provides an inside view to tony la russa's approach to the game. bissinger provides: a good profile of tony (far superior to the picture george will provides in men at work), a few interesting bits about strategy (including a discussion of the merits of the hit-and-run) and clear, compelling prose. however, i am a little annoyed by the traditionalist bent of the book. on a number of occasions bissinger stops just short of condemning the moneyball/sabr analysis of and approach to the game and, misty eyed, constantly holds a torch for the idealized "baseball man" of the past. i think it is possible to appreciate baseball's past (in fact, i consider myself a bit of a traditionalist), while still appreciating and incorporating more innovative approaches to the game. at several points, bissinger seems to ask "what hath walt jocketty to do with billy beane?" "everything," is my terse response.


• for real: the cardinals, braves, marlins and twinkies. not: the orioles (still a year away), white sox (pitching!) and texas (ibid).


• the yankees are as bad as they look. here's to hoping that george's horse loses at the derby and the boss suffers a minor coronary before midseason.


• jeff brantley is the new joe morgan


• this just in from the big surprise department: kerry wood is on the dl. i've asked it before and i'll ask it again: has any team ever done so little with so much talent? 37 is nothing. try 97!


• bon voyage dave mccarty. he's a helluva nice guy who had no place on a major league team.


• the cardinals were robbed in atlanta last weekend by an umpire who is too timid to set his head over the inside corner and an odd interference play. unbelievable! that being said, it doesn't get much better than watching cox and la russa try to out-fox one another for three games. thanks tbs!


• write it down: i'm getting mlb all access next year. not being able to watch the redbirds is killing me. of course if you, dear reader, want to send a $168 check in a s.a.s.e. to the home office, i'll be happy to order it this year.


• i am not a prophet, nor the son of a prophet, but i wouldn't be surprised if there is a little headhunting, and perhaps a little brawl, down in tampa bay tonight.


• as much as i dislike the guy, i would love to see clemens return to the red sox before the trading deadline. can you imagine him making one final run with the sox? that would be quite a ride! of course, he'll probably sign with the yankees. bastard.

musing

i'm still here. i haven't had much to say lately, so i've kept my mouth shut.

cade slipped me ben folds' songs for silverman last week and i'm really digging it. it's melancholic, introspective and, at many points, right on. the first track on the album, appropriately titled bastard, raised a question that i've been wrestling with for days.

"So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay if you don't know everything
Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay
If you don't know everything"

contrary to the opinion of some, i have always been more aware of my ignorance than enamored by my knowledge. anyway...here's hard evidence of my ignorance.

things i don't know:

• what evangelism looks like for our church in our current context


• whether the cardinals will win a world series in my lifetime


• why i failed to fully experience some of the places i've lived (chief on this list: newtown, ct and waukesha, wi)


• whether i'll be able to steer clear of universalism in my latter days


• if i'll ever escape the clutches of .com


• why ankiel contracted steve blass disease


• why i've never been able to fast


• why my brother won't return my calls


• where the last ten years went


• why i joined a fraternity


• why i seem destined to be an amateur everything rather than a professional something


• whether dizzy will ever stop destroying my shit


• why i have always made a percentage of people, especially christians, incredibly uncomfortable


• the cause of my hypochondria


• how to multiply fractions


• why i'm afraid of death


• why i stopped visiting daybreak


• why my boss is pleased with my relative lack of productivity


• how to reconcile appearance and reality


• why i am so judgmental

a fitting melancholic response to an introspective album. rest assured that i am not depressed and please refrain from stroking my ego or prescribing xanax.

brushback pitch

the cardinals just scored 7 runs in the top of the ninth to beat the reds. baseball is the screwiest game ever...

i love this cardinals team.