ten things i've learned during christmas vacation

1. comair sucks. when they delayed our flights the day before christmas eve and so forced us to fly into the wal-mart airport instead of tulsa, i found myself saying, "comair, i have a feeling your whole family is going down."

2. only an idiot offers to eat a stick of butter for $15. the wise man holds out for $35.

3. my michael jackson jokes are always a hit!

4. similarly, people love to hear about my father's inability to pronounce peanu(t)s.

5. if you are underage and trying to sneak a bud light at a family function, always use the ubiquitous red cup.

6. scrubbing the dishes atones for a score of sins.

7. always tie the chainsaw to the ladder.

8. morticians use less make-up on a corpse than most southern women use on themselves.

9. there is a providential correlation between one's growing love for family and the increasing complications one's family provides.

10. elmo is a fiery demon straight from the pits of hell. if any of you buy an elmo doll that sings his name to the tune of ymca or any other noise producing toy for my future brood, i will curse you for life...right after i return the annoying garbage to fortress wal-mart.

on a more serious note, if your heart has been rent by the tragic tsunami that has devastated the asian rim and sri lanka, consider making a contribution to serve life's relief fund. i think that providing financial assistance will be at the top of sinners and saints' agenda when we gather once again.