hello jed. i'm sorry that it's been a while since i touched base. the more comfortable i get with people, the quieter i become. so consider my silence the sign and seal of our friendship.

i have been reading a number of intriguing books lately, including d.a. carson's becoming conversant with the emerging church, harry potter and the sorcerer's stone (for your information, i have not paired such fantasy reading with pewter figurines and role playing games. smart ass) and walter wangerin's book of sorrows. however, most of my reading time has been devoted to jean vanier's community and growth. but you probably already knew this.

anyway, as i was sitting on the beverly common on monday afternoon i stumbled across the following passage...

"tiny children live by love and presence - the time of childhood is a time of trust. adolescents live by generosity, utopian ideals and hope. adults become realistic, commit themselves and assume responsibilities; this is the time of fidelity. finally, old people refind the time of confidence which is also wisdom."

this is the time of fidelity. jed, i'm going to be honest with you, i've been mourning the death of ideals and dreams as of late. some of my dreams, such as the quest for theological certainty and my desire to play varsity baseball, died years ago, but their reverberations continue to pulsate through my chest. others, such as my desire for a meaningful occupation, are shriveling with each additional keystroke. i often find myself sentimentalizing the past, applying my twenty-twenty hindsight to past failure, longing to relive certain parts of my ever expanding life once again.

but i can't. those days are dead now and every 6 a.m. resurrection pushes me out into the present. so as utopian dreams drift away like dear brigadoon i am left only with an unfinished master's degree, a tedious life in a cube, the small band of unbelieving believers who consider me one of their own, a wife that is constructed of things eternal, and the poems, prose and apocalypses that serve as a guide to reality.

jed, i could spend all day flagellating myself with questions concerning my attempted entry into the citadel, why i sacrificed the experience of redemptive community on the altar of theological abstractions or whether i could have learned to "slow down the game" and utilize this slingshot God gave me. but such questions disassociate me from the present and lead me out of the moment.

the moment in which i am called to be faithful to my wife, responsible for this small band of unbelieving believers and a competent commodifier of our lord and savior jesus christ. you went too early jed, but at least you got to take your ideals and dreams with you. keeping your feet moving once those have dissolved is a bitch.

anyway, john tetzel just shot me a nasty look, so i better get back to work. as he and the upper management of lifeway are always reminding me, "every time a coin in the coffer rings, the soul from southern baptist purgatory springs." the time of fidelity. glamorous.