my attitude towards work has devolved a bit. although a few weeks ago i was fairly content with my job, i am now tempted to stand on top of my desk, pull the “f*ck you, f*ck you, you’re cool, f*ck you, I’m out” scene out of my ass and collect unemployment.
my therapist said that jotting down a list of reasons to remain at lifeway would be beneficial. so, here are my reasons (in no specific order):
i should remain in my position at lifeway because:
1. that long awaited bruce wilkinson interview is always just over the horizon.
2. the employee appreciation gifts are priceless (the “magic” jar opener, family umbrella and TogetherEveryoneAccomplishesMore chocolate bar were particularly precious).
3. i've heard that other offices frown on intermittent profanity.
4. i love the 3 unpaid saturdays that i work every year!
5. i could not live without my lifesize cardboard likeness of dr. dobson (and the twinges of lust the aforementioned likeness produces).
6. i would miss conversing with our insightful, discerning shoppers every christmas season (e-i-e-i-fucking-o!).
7. from all appearances the receptionist really, really likes me.
8. i do not want a drunken monkey to replace me.
9. i do not value original thought.
10. i would miss the provocative questions that characterize our monthly meetings.
11. lobotomies are covered in the employee health plan.
12. wal-mart won’t hire me and orange julius won’t let me return.
phew, i feel better. perhaps a little break from my meaningless work was all that i needed!
4 comments:
I'm sitting here with my knuckles crammed in my mouth, trying not to laugh. You forgot-we get to wear shorts and sneakers to work, and your commute is decent enough to dogwalk at lunch.
You were graced w/ multiple sized Evangecubes to convert your heathen friends.
did you know if you worked for the real Lifeway, you would have to
1. sign a belief statement based upon BFM 2000.
2. be required to wear a tie every day, unless...
3. you were wearing one of those tacky blue denim shirts with the logo of some shill Lifeway was promoting (i.e. centrifuge, marriage- one man/ one woman)
4. attend an sbc church
5. not drink alcohol, gamble, do drugs or smoke
6. not cuss in public
7. live in Nashvegas
8. sell your soul (I mean, really sell your soul- the entire thing)
9. have an internet filter (no mlb at work)
10. vote for Bush
I could go on, really
rick,
if i worked at lifeway hq that would indeed be true. fortunately, i sojourn in the suburbs.
speaking of the burbs...everyone at our store is pretty pissed about some guy named w. mark felt. they've even asked me to wear a button that features a picture of chuck colson and the following statement: "ask me about deep throat."
i don't know what all that means, but it makes me uncomfortable.
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