david sedaris as crumpet the christmas elf


this morning, on my way back from an early morning 'bucks meeting with an old friend, i heard david sedaris recount his experience as crumpet the christmas elf. i cannot tell you how refreshing it was to hear the stories of someone who is as tangled up in and hates christmas.*

i hope you can take a minute to listen to this hysterical story. the first person to identify my favorite crumpet punch line will receive one poo dollar.

* for the record, i really like advent. i don't mind a christmas that is preceded by a season of hopeful repentance. it's the christmases that are wrapped in credit card debt and horrific mall experiences that i totally abhor.

dear santa, thank you for dying for our gifts*



* many thanks to kidpositive for turning me on to a christmas story i'll be proud to share with my children.

for shits and grins

ministerial musing

the further i walk down this way the more confounded i become about my calling. i have no idea why God called such a sinner to serve His saints and i question whether i could ever proclaim with st. paul, “follow me as i follow Christ.”

fortunately, although i don’t have the depth of character that is expected of ministers and am one of the most relationally retarded people to ever enter pastoral ministry, i have not been left bereft of role models. as i continue upon this way, i resonate with the stories of graham greene’s whisky priest* and uncle freddy’s godric all the more.

as with the whisky priest, i am a vain, narcissistic man who is almost as fixated on my own interests as i am undone by the sacraments and the opportunity i have to share such gracious secrets with the world. moreover, like God’s wreck** i can sometimes feel God unfolding through my hands and it is on account of those rare emanations that i will never fully surrender to the sins of my flesh nor, i suspect, leave this life of embodied compassion and proclamation.

so there you go. rick warren has w.a. criswell, leighton ford had billy graham*** and i have godric and the whisky priest. i am so utterly thankful for these companions who, along with a surprisingly large contingent of three dimensional characters,**** are encouraging me to remain upon this way.

* his story is recounted in the power and the glory.
** this is one possible etymological root of the name Godric. or at least it might be. the latter character is, on regular occasion, completely full of shit. is it any wonder that i love him?
*** speaking of, if you want to have your heart completely broken, read this washington post article about bessie the cow, billy’s burial place and the striking hubris of the billy frank’s son.
**** in this midst of this horribly beautiful year, wherein God has focused on teaching me obedience through my sufferings, one of these friends admonished me in the midst of such discipline to “not loose all your rough edges.” “for that,” she continued, “is part of your charm.” such words, from such a woman, just about killed me.

the long-awaited return of your fired friend

over the past three weeks i have been pushing out resumes, updating ms office skills and watching far too much television. in the midst of my inertia, i haven't been writing all that much. so in an effort to update you, dear readers, on the minutiae of my life and circumvent writer's block i'm going to run a little online diary for the next four hours.

12:38 p.m.: hey there, sinners and saints. your fired friend is coming to you live from an undisclosed location in southeastern new hampshire where i am currently manning a switchboard for a well-known waste management company. i could tell you more about my current assignment, but then i'd have to kill you.

12:40: okay, okay, i relent. i can tell you that this facility administrates the distribution of nuclear waste throughout the pacific northwest and my primary job is to answer incoming calls from robotic telemarketers who call fifteen times a hour to whisper scintillating, spanish nothings in my ear and offer services that i dare not mention on this family-friendly sit. oh mama citas. if only i was single!

12:46: if you aren't watching friday night lights you should be ashamed of yourself. the show provides one of the most poignant pictures of small town life that i have ever seen. i want to write more about this show at a later date, but i will tell you this: at some point in almost every episode, i find myself on the verge of tears. i realize that the latter fact probably means little to the cry at hallmark commercials and lust for "oprah moments" set, but for me such expressions of emotion are rare. did i mention that you can watch every episode of friday night lights for free until january 3rd? there you go, you have no excuse.

1:11: in addition to hanging up on telemarketers i am beginning to suspect that my primary role at this undisclosed location is to hand out candy and willfully converse with nerds.

1:23: i'm in the midst of reading mark winegardner's the godfather's revenge and, as much as it pains me, i've got to say ehhh. i believe that winegardner is one of our finest writers (i.e., crooked river burning) and i love mario puzo and mob stories in general. however, i suspect that winegardner would be better served by creating works of his own invention rather than maintaining and expanding the storylines of others. that being said, it was a bit of a thrill to hear a mention of mikey z in another context.*

1:43: confession: i hate it when people ask me what i do for a living. i've always thought that i should be a professional and having to tell people that i work in customer service or i'm pimping by the hour just about kills me. i suppose i could tell them that i'm a bi-vocational minister, but what the hell does that mean to most people? sometimes, i don't even know what the latter term means myself.

1:46: in light of that confession i would like to thank God for his wholehearted commitment to my humility.

2:00: okay, i'm boring myself and focused on finishing this book. salut!

3:04: okay, now i'm bored with being bored, so it must be time for a list.

books i've read and enjoyed as of late: the mysteries of pittsburgh by michael chabon; fever pitch by nick hornby; friday night lights** by buzz bissinger; and how (not) to speak of God by peter rollins.

books i've cracked but could not seem to finish: the coast of akron*** by adrienne miller; no logo**** by naomi klein; and summerland by michael chabon.

currently on my lit list: a well-paid slave: curt flood's fight for free agency in professional sports by brad snyder; vera cruz blues by mark winegardner; heaven lake by john dalton; and a couple of engaging books concerning the continent of africa*****.


* to make sense of the latter comment, you'll need to read crooked river.
** so hot, want to touch the hiney!
*** my failure to finish this tome does not diminish my derivative suspicion that midwestern fiction (see crooked river burning, the mysteries of pittsburgh and the corrections for starters) is currently every bit as good as southern fiction.
**** guess i just wasn't lovin' on my liberal side that day.
***** any ideas? please share.

an advent canticle

when my body lies in the ruins
of the lies that nearly ruined me
will you pick up the pieces that were pure and true
and breathe your life into them
and set them free?

~uncle rich, be with you

where, o death, is your victory?

i really don’t know how to talk about these things, so i’m just going to spew them out.

by almost all measures, this has been an absolutely horrible year. in january, i lost a job that i had just started to enjoy after almost six years of meaningless toil. unsurprisingly, that dismissal led to a depression the likes of which i had not experienced since ’95 or ’96. ultimately, my fear of being unemployed led me to accept a job that was not challenging and did not utilize my capabilities. and, to top it off, i lost my loser job the week of thanksgiving when my former, trite giftware company was acquired by a company that peddles even more useless tripe than we did.

moreover, although i’ve always been a little relationally inept, i have never felt as relationally retarded* as i do right now. throughout this year a number of my family and friends have slogged through valleys of unmentionable pain and i have not known how to support them. i haven’t abandoned my dear ones, but i have had little more to offer than a willingness to walk beside them through their personal hells. the combination of my inability to effectively support my friends with my occupational ineptitude eventually led me towards a psychologist’s couch where i have graciously and carefully been encouraged to visit the dark corners of my heart where i have always loathed to tread and confront the fact that though i am surrounded by supporting family and unsurpassed community i continually choose to live as an exile** in the illusory comfort of the margins.

in addition to my occupational and relational issues, i am as confident in my vocation as i am utterly unable to fulfill it. this year has also burdened the sinners and saints community with a number of difficult transitions, convoluted conflicts and missional uncertainties. in the midst of such chaotic times i have not provided clear leadership nor even had a clear picture of what such leadership might be. the only things i have been able to provide are regular teachings on the gospels of luke and occasional glimpses into a soul that is currently being reconstructed. what is more, for some unknown reason in the midst of such ineptitude i have stumbled into a couple of other opportunities to lead and serve. these latter opportunities are at least as horrifying as they are encouraging.

and yet, in the midst of all of this i realize that i am growing in wisdom, stature and favor with God and man at a rate that i have not for almost a decade. in the midst of my ineptitude, i am more in love with God and invested in the incarnational mission of Christ than i have ever been. ironically, the realization of my relational retardation has not alienated me from others but has bound me more tightly to them. it is as though God is simultaneously separating the strands of our lives so that He can weave us together into a basket that can receive, display and serve his beauty, goodness and truth to others. lastly, i have not lamented the loss of my latest job for one moment, but am leaning into the more useful, if not meaningful, employ that God will provide.

there is no doubt that this has been a horrible year indeed. but, in the end, i cannot thank either the Creator or those who have endured it by my side enough for it.

* i usually hate this word and would never use it to refer to people who have significant birth defects, mental and/or physical disabilities. but, for some reason, that is the only word that adequately describes my self-assessment in this area. thus, i do not use this term lightly.

** which is, i suspect, the reason that i am completely in love with the person of Jesus. but that’s a story for another day.

early this morning christianity today news briefs reported that:

"The trustees of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary voted 36-1 on October 17 to prohibit professors or administrators from promoting charismatic practices, such as private prayer languages. In August, a new seminary trustee, Dwight McKissic, told students during a chapel service that he prays in tongues. McKissic, a pastor in Arlington, Texas, has criticized the Southern Baptist Convention's International Mission Board for barring missionaries from using private prayer languages."

in related news, in a blatant attempt to bind the feet of female chinese ministers who are walking away from the baptist faith and mission statement, the international mission board's committee on house church ministry has redefined all female led congregations as multi-dimensional children's ministries.

finally, last week at the national missionary convention hosted by the independent christian churches, churches of christ, the delegates took the unprecedented step of affirming and publishing a non-binding, yet unquestionably biblical, theological statement that will guide all future missionary endeavors. the agreed upon statement reads as follows: "we the autonomous, male missionaries of the indepedent christian churches, churches of christ do hereby agree that while one must not necessarily be immersed to be saved, one is surely going to hell if one is not." in a brief follow-up statement, convention chair michael nichols suggested that the statement was an attempt to both refute the charges of paedo-baptism that have been regularly raised against the un-denomination through the years and divide the group from any other christian denomination that views the practice differently.

unsolicited baseball opinions




signing alfonso soriano for 17 million per is ridiculous. offering him 8 years when nobody else would probably offer him seven and so ensuring that he’ll be on the payroll as a 38 year old arthritic man is re-damn-diculous. i have heard many rational explanations why this is a horrible signing and a few irrational cub fans argue in support.

the best argument i’ve heard against the Soriano signing is from espn insider’s keith law who opened his most recent article with:

“The team that finished last in the National League in OBP in 2006 (and, not coincidentally, second-to-last in runs scored) with a .319 team mark just signed a left fielder with a .320 career OBP and a .337 OBP in 2006 (both figures exclude intentional walks) to replace a guy with a .365 OBP in 2006. And they're paying $17 million per year for the privilege -- until the new player turns 38.

I'm sure this will work out swimmingly.”

the best argument i’ve heard for the Soriano signing is…, um, likely to be muttered by some frat boy in naperville after he’s had six bucks worth of old style.*

the mets just declined to exercise their $14 mil option on tom glavine for 2007 and, due to the current state of their starting rotation and the cost of starting pitching, i’m fairly certain minaya will look back on this decision as a mistake.

go back and read that latter assertion again. i’m afraid it pretty much summarizes the 2006-2007 hot stove season.

the miserly middle-class cardinals and their faithful middle-class fans debated whether jock should pick up jim edmonds’ $10 mil, 2007 option for the better part of two months. then, when the cardinals re-signed “jed” to a 2 year, $18 mil deal most of us considered it excessive. now the reports that the dodgers are signing juan pierre to a 5 yr/45 mil contract have us dancing in the streets.

did i mention that jim hendry is trying to shore up his outfield defense with cliff floyd and is attempting to sign julio lugo

when he already has de rosa at second and izturis at short? something tells me hendry is screaming at his subordinates to get julio franco on the phone and gammons and rosenthal are reconsidering their measured support of the soriano move.

doling out 51.1 million just to negotiate with scott boras for daisuke matsuzaka seemed absolutely absurd until i realized that the cubs could have signed “d-mat” and probably a second tier starter like ted lilly for the same money they spent on sori.

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the cubs' brand-new #2 starter:



after the jed re-up and the signing of our super-sub jocketty and the cardinal’s camp has been strangely quiet. there are moments when i fear that this silence is evidence of ownership’s reticence to spend serious cash on off-season acquisitions. but, as often as not, i realize that jock is to michael as hendry is to sonny and both haugen and purpura are slick but inconsequential.

* i realize that rosenthal and gammons have provided measured support as well, but i assume that is because they savor the idea of hendry hanging himself.

unanxious daze: an exodus from under-employment


today i am celebrating my ninth month at Silvestri.* and, in even better news, yesterday i got laid off!

as sick as it sounds, for the last 24 hours i have been in a jubilant mood. as of tomorrow afternoon at 2:30 p.m. i never have to explain to the good folks at hotflash america that we do not return items from 2004, serve as my manager's fashion adviser and will never have to say put your big girl panties on and deal with it or you've got boobs! ever again. can you believe that they are actually paying me to leave this company that will soon cease to exist? me neither.

of course i feel bad for my coworkers, some of whom are afraid of re-entering the job market after a thirty year hiatus and others who are loathe to leave an industry that - for some godforsaken reason - they love. but make no mistake, tomorrow after i've given one last hug, muttered one final encouraging cliche and logged off my computer i will once again be a free man.

i am ready to offer one long, last goodbye to silvestri and say hello to a non-profit job that i can actually enjoy (or at least endure). by God's grace, i hope that i never have to settle for a job like this again.

during this time of transition, i would appreciate it if those of you who know and suffer me would be willing to challenge me when i set my occupational sights too low, know of any leads you stumble across and perhaps even whisper a prayer for kellie and i from time to time.

now, if you'll excuse me, i am going to pour a cup of tea and head over to Viva El Birdos. much love, much peace.

In this Theological Discussion, God is Considered Optional

When a local theological group gathers Tuesday in a Kenmore Square office, its members won't be talking about God. They'll be talking about not talking about God.

The Boston Emergent Cohort hosts Peter Rollins, author of "How (Not) to Speak of God," for a 7 p.m. discussion at 655 Beacon St., Suite 301. The Cohort is part of a progressive Christian movement known as the Emerging Church, which seeks to encourage conversations among believers about Christianity's role in the modern world.

Rollins, who heads a church in Ireland, is a leading voice in the movement. A reviewer recently described his book as "powerful but frustratingly opaque."

Both qualities are likely to be on display at the event. Rollins is expected to discuss his proposal for "heretical orthodoxy," according to Jeff Gentry, a facilitator with the Cohort and pastor to a small home-based church in Beverly. Heretical orthodoxy means moving theology away from "a study of God as object, or a theology that seeks to believe the right things" and toward an idea of "Christianity as trying to live in the right way," Gentry says.

Anna Gerdeen, studying for a master's at Harvard Divinity School, became involved in the Emerging Church in her native Minnesota before moving to the area three years ago and connecting with the Cohort. Gerdee says she's seen increased interest in nontraditional religion.

"With the large number of students and young people in the area, people come into here from different backgrounds from all over the country, and different Christian traditions," she says, creating fertile ground for new ideas.~J.M. BERGER

this brief piece was included in the metro section of sunday's boston globe. props to anna for drawing my attention to the article. i appreciate mr. berger's interest in emergent and his unexpected inquiry. however, i would like to affirm that God will likely be a primary subject of, and hopefully participant in, our conversation on tuesday. moreover, i appreciate the fact that the writer quoted me correctly and wish the latter spelling of anna's last name was correct.

i hope that a number of you are joining us on tuesday for a beerworks dinner at 5:30 and a stimulating conversation with peter at 7 pm. if you're interested in picking up a copy of how (not) to speak of God we'll have copies available for $12 thanks to the generous folks at paraclete press.

for an interesting introduction to peter's thought, check out nick and josh's most recent podcast.*

* i haven't had the time to listen to the podcast myself, so i'm acting on complete faith here. nick and josh, don't let me down.

musing...


during my years at soybean bible the writings of henri nouwen were essential to my spiritual health. however, in the years since i left soybean and, later, l’arche daybreak behind, i have only revisited his writings rarely.

i am starting to suspect that my indifference is a mistake.

a couple of nights ago, after receiving news that yet another friend is mired in the midst of crisis, i took can you drink the cup off the shelf. i can’t remember reading this little work before, but i confess that it has served as a remarkable sacrament in my life this week.

i must confess that much like james and john, i often lust for influence and recognition in the Kingdom of God. as a fully equipped servant of Jesus, i consider myself a significant member of Jesus’ mission and expect to be included in noteworthy, if not successful, incarnations of God’s beauty, truth and goodness in this world. in short, i want to build a successful and meaningful career on the back of the one who humbled himself and made himself obedient to death on a cross. fortunately, in response to my foolishness Jesus neither rejects me nor reviles me as "satan," but simply asks: "can you drink the cup?"

henri has helped me to see that responding to this question requires me to pause and consider whether i have the courage to hold the cup of our great suffering and great joy in my hands; in full knowledge of the cup’s bittersweet contents, i can lift the cup and offer a blessing in the midst of curse and whisper rumors of life in the midst of death; and, ultimately, drink the cup of suffering and joy to the dregs.

in the midst of my longing for success, Jesus is calling me to become fully human. as much as it pains me to admit it, he could care less whether i have a successful career or whether i continue to wander through occupational hell for the rest of my days. Jesus has not promised me an honored position, but he has called me to be a parable of his grace and truth. further, Jesus has not sent me forth to construct a respectable curriculum vitae, but he has given me the mission of weeping with those who weep and mourning with those who mourn.

leave it to Jesus to deconstruct my delusions and unravel my expectations with a single question: "can you drink the cup."

five minute movie review: borat

i was initially reluctant to pay $10 to see this film, but after hearing a number of reviewers describe it as a form of provocative cultural commentary and hearing kidpositive and cade's enthusiasm for this film, i decided to take a chance.

although i did not think that the film provided particularly insightful cultural commentary - i'm sure that with a little editing and enough "gotcha" set-ups you can make any country look like it is full of racist, ignorant fools - i have to admit that the movie was incredibly funny. there were scenes that made me really uncomfortable such as when the "throw the Jew down the well" singing borat and his companion found themselves shacked up at a Jewish owned bed and breakfast, but there were also hysterical scenes, especially the one in which borat sings the kazakh national anthem to the tune of the star spangled banner at a virginia rodeo, that were completely worth the price of admission.

if you don't mind a little controversial humor and can stand the sight of a male on male sixty-nine,* then you might want to give borat a shot. please note, i am not recommending the film as such, but i think a number of you would find it hysterical.

one side note: over the past couple of weeks there have been reports that the south carolina fraternity boys who made asses of themselves in the film, the romanian extras who stood in as extras in borat's "kazakh" village and any number of others are planning to sue sacha cohen for their portrayal in the film. i think such lawsuits are ridiculous and are likely built upon legal sand. in the midst of a satirical situation, decent, upright people such as the humor coach, the newscasters and, as much as i hate to admit it, the southern baptist people on secession drive proved their decency, while sketchy folk such as the frat boys and the rodeo manager showed their asses.

if you've caught the flick, i'd love to hear your thoughts.

* the pixie covered my eyes during that part.

UPDATE! boston's emergent cohort presents peter rollins



due to unexpected publicity and the possibility of a higher than expected turnout we have decided to move the main cohort gathering to the offices of Reunion Church (665 beacon st, Suite 301, Boston, MA 02215). moreover, since a number of us would also like to gather at the fenway beerworks (61 brookline ave, boston, ma 02215) for dinner we're going to do that as well.

so if you want to join us for dinner, meet us at the fenway beerworks around 5:30 pm. the regular meeting will start at 7 pm at the offices of Reunion church. got it? if not, feel free to comment or send queries to jeff gentry at gentry13@gmail.com.

"All my friends became Cardinal fans and grew up happy and liberal. I became a Cub fan and grew up imbittered and conservative." - George Will

now that it is far less likely to be perceived as piling on...

i would like to draw your attention to jeff sharet's piece entitled Soldiers of Christ that focuses upon ted haggard and new life church. in this article, which was published in harper's over a year ago, mr. sharet skillfully reveals the triumphalism and alludes to the docetism which plagues american evangelicalism. moreover, he also records the musings of a royal ranger leader which now seem eerily prophetic. if you take the time to peruse this article, or any number of pieces on killing the buddha you will not be disappointed.

of course, after you read the article i'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections.

-------

update: KTB has also posted these reflections by patton dodd, who is the author of the well-regarded my faith so far, beliefnet columnist, alumnae of oral roberts university*, attender of new life church and close friend of ted haggard. patton's intimate reflections focus on the power of repentance and the hope reconciliation. this article pierced my soul.**

* the campus of which looks so much like walt disney world's tomorrowland (circa 1986) that it skeeves me out)

** i realize the latter statement probably sounds cheesy as hell, but...

some sacraments are unexpected


a few moments ago, while talking with cade about N&MBL@* and surfing boston.com i ran across a puff piece titled worst jobs ever. i found the first few entries, which focused on a subservient cocktail waitress and driving range ball bitch, rather innocuous. but then, but then, i ran across a winner:

"While in college (down south where there's very few jobs), I worked in a factory that made the plastic covers for Die Hard car batteries. The covers would come sliding down the conveyor belt after being stamped by an automated machine with the words DIE HARD. My job, was to stand there (not allowed to sit) and look at each plastic cover as it passed and make sure the words DIE HARD were stamped on perfectly straight. If it was crooked (AND THEY NEVER WERE) I had to throw it out. To make matters worse they were 12 hour shifts. 5 minutes literally felt like an hour. It was so loud you had to wear ear plugs, so you couldn't even use a radio to pass the time. Not the worst or grossest job in the world, but DEFINITELY one of the most boring and mind-numbing." -townclose

have you ever had a job that is as monotonous or hilarious as this one? if so, please tell. as for me, this little story is a sacrament that has set me free to sail into tomorrow (relatively) unencumbered.

* if you ask nicely, mr. sajak might let you buy a vowel.

university of virginia sociologists study "what women want..."

and are shocked to find that they aren't infatuated with drunken australian anti-semites.

but seriously, this afternoon christianitytoday.com is featuring an interview with sociologists steven l. nock and w. bradford wilcox that i found quite interesting. after reading any number of arguments that were provoked by mark driscoll's comments* concerning the weight of minister's wives, i found this article on how husbands can serve their wives quite refreshing. i have posted an excerpt of the article below, but i hope you can take the time to read the article in its entirety.

What makes married women happy?

"The biggest predictor of women's happiness is their husband's emotional engagement. The extent to which he is affectionate, to which he is empathetic, to which he is basically tuned into his wife, this is the most important factor in predicting the wife's happiness. This basically drowns out every other factor in our models."

read more...

* NB: bullet point 2.

boston's emergent cohort presents peter rollins

on tuesday, november 21st @ 7 pm the cohort will be gathering at boston beerwork's fenway location (61 brookline ave, boston, ma 02215) for food, drinks and theological discussion. our guest this month is peter rollins, who is a founder of the ikon community in northern ireland, a philosophical theologian who is deeply intrigued with the emergent church and the author of how (not) to speak of God. in how (not) to speak of God peter provocatively exposes the theoretical foundations of the emergent church and explores how the ikon community has sought to innovatively commend and incarnate the God about whom we can never speak definitively, but should never stop speaking.*

in short, this is one cohort gathering you will not want to miss. if you'd like to know a little more about peter rollins, check out this short interview at paracletepress.com. if you are interested at picking up a discounted copy of how (not) to speak of God you can pick one up at the gathering. if you live in another city and are interested in hearing Peter speak, check out his additional speaking dates. and, lastly, if you have any questions about our gathering, contact jeff at gentry13@gmail.com.

* the latter clause in this confounded sentence was inspired by peter's writing but is not a direct quote.

do you love me?

if so, protect me from the ravages of consumerism and support one of my deepest passions by purchasing this for me:



for the record, i am a little pissed that they did not include the games of the NLCS in this set like they included the 2004 ALCS in the red sox set, but i will still be an incomplete person without this product.

thank you for your patronage and may God Bless America.