thursday afternoon, 2:11 p.m.

heart rent
hands shaking
head spinning
and feet cold

against better instinct
i light up and lean on a crutch

is this what it feels like when you speak?
am i reacting to a screaming conscience or a still, small voice?

i not only need the Holy Spirit.
i also need a new hermeneutic.

musing about Lk. 4:14-30

the gospel is not merely a proposition we need to believe. it is also a reversal and release that we need to experience. after being immersed in evangelical theology for eight years i can effectively explain, apply and illustrate the truth of substitutionary atonement. however, as the years fly by i am beginning to realize that this proposition is only a door that leads us into a deeper experience of salvation.

i could not believe the gospel if i had not descended through the depths of depression (and the substance abuse, self-loathing and catatonic nights at a 24 hour, hopper inspired diners that accompanied it) only to find the broken Christ at the bottom. it is this Christ, the utterly forsaken, yet full of faith, that led me to believe that the abyss is not the end.

moreover, i suspect that Christ commanded the seventy times seven because he knew that we needed to extend as well as receive the release of the gospel. perhaps it is not until we have proclaimed release to the prisoners of our expectations and unshackled others from their onerous obligations that we can fully enter into the year of the Lord's favor.

my prayer for you, dear reader, does not differ from my personal petition. i pray that we will fully experience the reversal and release that is offered to us in Jesus Christ. God help us if we settle for a proposition when we can fully experience the year of the Lord's favor.

can anything good come out of west virginia?

"described by his attorney as a white-haired businessman in his mid-50s, christ is moving to west virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle. he bought property near lost river, about 100 miles west of washington, and has a u.s. passport, social security card and washington driver's license bearing the name jesus christ."

more...

brushback extra: an in-game running diary

the diz is asleep on the couch, kellie has cashed out for the night and alex is drinking bud light and hanging out with his townie team buddies. that leaves me here all alone, watching the cardinals and the dodgers. so i thought i'd thrash up a little brushback extra.

9:20 p.m. the cardinals are up 1-0 due to a first inning pujols homer and an altogether admirable performance by mulder. how am i able to watch this regional presentation on FSN st. louis you ask? because my grandfather surprised me with the extra innings baseball package for mother's day. or maybe it was simply on mother's day. who knows? whatever the reason, i am grateful!

9:26 p.m. danny haren is 1-5 and mulder is pitching like an ace. maybe jocketty did know what he was doing...and maybe i'm changing my official position on the barton/haren/calero for mulder trade again.

9:26 p.m. danny haren is 1-5 and mulder is pitching like an ace. maybe jocketty did know what he was doing...and maybe i'm changing my official position on the barton/haren/calero for mulder trade again.

9:31 p.m. considering how well youkilis has been playing as well as how poorly bellhorn has performed, you have to wonder why francona doesn’t slot mueller at 2nd and ‘youk’ at 3rd more often. the sox would definitely increase their number of productive outs that way.

9:34 p.m. mulder just gave up a double. that wouldn’t have been a problem if he hadn’t walked the #7 to open the inning. @@#$@#$!!! walks and errors. i know all about the former, since i was BB king during my days on the mound. 1-1 knot.

the cards have been on the cusp of putting up a crooked number all night. if they don’t get some runs on the board soon, they’re going to let this game get away from them.

9:42 p.m. eckstein and grudzilanek just set the table for pujols. let’s see what happens…I think they are “unintentionally” walking pujols again. that’s going to continue to happen until edmonds and rolen start swingin’ the lumber. i was wrong. they pitched to him and albert hit a three run homer, his second of the night. you should have seen the at bat, he tried to slash the ball the other way and missed by inches, then he tried to pull it down the third base line and missed by inches, and he finished with a flourish by driving a pitch over the left-center power alley. with this guy every AB is a clinic. 4-1 cardinals.

9:58 p.m. a bit earlier joe buck made a self-depreciating comment about how many negative emails he receives every game. it appears that not everyone adores him. much to my dismay, i am on the verge of identifying myself with this disgruntled group. let me begin by saying that i do not expect joe to be jack. just as the missouri will never measure up to the mississippi and eckstein will never measure up to renteria, joe will never measure up to jack. the latter was an icon, the vanquisher of that clown caray and the suggestive whisper of the midwestern ether for fifty years. however, i do expect joe to develop a voice of his own. if, failing to find his voice, he chooses to imitate (as most of us do), he should follow in the footsteps of his father instead of those of tim mccarver and budweiser’s head of advertising. he’s better than that yankee ass-kisser and much better than “slama-lama-ding-dong.” refine your voice, joe, and be your own man. and, in the end, you might reflect favorably on your father’s legacy.

10:16 p.m. nancy drew didn’t feel up to playing tonight. what a surprise! In more serious news, mulder has runners on first and second and two outs. this will probably be the crucial batter of the game. especially since crackhead Bradley is on-deck. mulder struck out repko on a borderline pitch (a number the calls tonight have been shaaady) to end the threat. crisis averted.

10:27 p.m. there is no doubt that the white sox are red hot. but i still think that the twins will take the division. the twinkies are just too deep. on another note, if tavarez is not the second coming of joaquin andujar i don’t know who is.

10:35 p.m. after a rolen error (his second of the night!) there are runners on first and second and one out. another crucial situation…that could lead to a tavarez meltdown. we’ll see. side note: rolen looks as lost in the field as he is at the plate.

10:36 p.m. tavarez induces a ground ball. two outs. with runners on first and third la russa brings in ray “burger” king. we aren’t out of the woods yet.

10:40 p.m. shit. burger let “double play” ledee have it his way and it is now 4-2.

10:41 p.m. burger induces the f-7 and we’re through 7½.

10:45 p.m. pujols takes a pitch under the chin and continues his perfect night with a walk. Pujols didn’t like the chin music, however, so expect one of the dodgers to get a little of the same either tonight or tomorrow. Speaking of which, bissinger provides an interesting view into la russa’s reluctant decisions to bean or not to bean opposing players in 3 nights in august. i just finished the latter work this afternoon and have to give it a b-minus. there is very little innovative or original baseball thought in the book, but the prose is above average and i enjoyed reading about la russa (who will henceforth be known as TLR).

10:59 a.m. the cards just pissed away a first and second, no out scenario. Hope that it doesn’t come back to bite them.

11:09 p.m. though it wasn’t particularly pretty, burger has secured two outs in the ninth and left only a single runner on first. now it’s up to reyes to finish things up. of course, bradley is up. nothing ever comes easy.

11:13 p.m. reyes made bradley look silly and the cardinals are 20-11. this wanna-be sports blogger is going to bed. i’m too old for this shit.

link-o-matic
while ignoring the daily grind of life here at lifeway i stumbled across a couple of links that i thought you might enjoy.

the first is metacritic. this site provides a fairly comprehensive overview of the recent reviews for books, movies and dvds. i have a sneaking suspicion that uncle cade would give it his stamp of approval.

the second is montage-a-google. this engine creates montages of google images. thus you can type in a search term like cardinals, salinger or feces and it will automatically create a montage. i trust that you will use this resource for good instead of evil.

the third is not so much a link as it is an encouragement to click on the thomas kinkade link in my previous post. doing so will not drop you into john malkovich's head or anything, but it will provide you with a little bit of fun.

do enjoy these links, dear readers.

overheard

"start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly, you are doing the impossible." ~st. francis of assisi

"the rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of contemporary violence. to allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence." ~thomas merton

"my dear child, you must believe in God in spite of what the clergy tell you." ~benjamin jowett

i'd love to tell you that these quotations arose from my reading, but they did not. instead, (yes, i am almost ashamed to admit this) i found them while preparing an excerpt for jan karon's a continual feast. i am afraid that if i find illumination in the works of jan karon i'll soon be finding spiritual significance in the masterpieces of thomas kinkade. i think i just threw up in my mouth.

happy haiku friday!

come, let us conspire

to kill reciprocity

and give birth to grace

brushback pitches

• the cardinals are 18-8, 10 games over .500 and sporting their best record at this point since 1948. and yes, i'm enjoying every minute of it.


• i've been devouring 3 nights in august by buzz bissinger. the book chronicles a cubs/cardinals series in 2003 and provides an inside view to tony la russa's approach to the game. bissinger provides: a good profile of tony (far superior to the picture george will provides in men at work), a few interesting bits about strategy (including a discussion of the merits of the hit-and-run) and clear, compelling prose. however, i am a little annoyed by the traditionalist bent of the book. on a number of occasions bissinger stops just short of condemning the moneyball/sabr analysis of and approach to the game and, misty eyed, constantly holds a torch for the idealized "baseball man" of the past. i think it is possible to appreciate baseball's past (in fact, i consider myself a bit of a traditionalist), while still appreciating and incorporating more innovative approaches to the game. at several points, bissinger seems to ask "what hath walt jocketty to do with billy beane?" "everything," is my terse response.


• for real: the cardinals, braves, marlins and twinkies. not: the orioles (still a year away), white sox (pitching!) and texas (ibid).


• the yankees are as bad as they look. here's to hoping that george's horse loses at the derby and the boss suffers a minor coronary before midseason.


• jeff brantley is the new joe morgan


• this just in from the big surprise department: kerry wood is on the dl. i've asked it before and i'll ask it again: has any team ever done so little with so much talent? 37 is nothing. try 97!


• bon voyage dave mccarty. he's a helluva nice guy who had no place on a major league team.


• the cardinals were robbed in atlanta last weekend by an umpire who is too timid to set his head over the inside corner and an odd interference play. unbelievable! that being said, it doesn't get much better than watching cox and la russa try to out-fox one another for three games. thanks tbs!


• write it down: i'm getting mlb all access next year. not being able to watch the redbirds is killing me. of course if you, dear reader, want to send a $168 check in a s.a.s.e. to the home office, i'll be happy to order it this year.


• i am not a prophet, nor the son of a prophet, but i wouldn't be surprised if there is a little headhunting, and perhaps a little brawl, down in tampa bay tonight.


• as much as i dislike the guy, i would love to see clemens return to the red sox before the trading deadline. can you imagine him making one final run with the sox? that would be quite a ride! of course, he'll probably sign with the yankees. bastard.

musing

i'm still here. i haven't had much to say lately, so i've kept my mouth shut.

cade slipped me ben folds' songs for silverman last week and i'm really digging it. it's melancholic, introspective and, at many points, right on. the first track on the album, appropriately titled bastard, raised a question that i've been wrestling with for days.

"So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay if you don't know everything
Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay
If you don't know everything"

contrary to the opinion of some, i have always been more aware of my ignorance than enamored by my knowledge. anyway...here's hard evidence of my ignorance.

things i don't know:

• what evangelism looks like for our church in our current context


• whether the cardinals will win a world series in my lifetime


• why i failed to fully experience some of the places i've lived (chief on this list: newtown, ct and waukesha, wi)


• whether i'll be able to steer clear of universalism in my latter days


• if i'll ever escape the clutches of .com


• why ankiel contracted steve blass disease


• why i've never been able to fast


• why my brother won't return my calls


• where the last ten years went


• why i joined a fraternity


• why i seem destined to be an amateur everything rather than a professional something


• whether dizzy will ever stop destroying my shit


• why i have always made a percentage of people, especially christians, incredibly uncomfortable


• the cause of my hypochondria


• how to multiply fractions


• why i'm afraid of death


• why i stopped visiting daybreak


• why my boss is pleased with my relative lack of productivity


• how to reconcile appearance and reality


• why i am so judgmental

a fitting melancholic response to an introspective album. rest assured that i am not depressed and please refrain from stroking my ego or prescribing xanax.

brushback pitch

the cardinals just scored 7 runs in the top of the ninth to beat the reds. baseball is the screwiest game ever...

i love this cardinals team.

happy haiku friday

in the warm, spring breeze

floated questions about God

i don’t have answers

link-o-rama

brian mclaren provides some intriguing, if underdeveloped, thoughts on church conflict. church leaders, as well as any friends and lurkers from pink church, might find this article beneficial.

kevin rains discusses vineyard central's developing theology of leadership and discipleship. kevin is one of the leaders of vineyard central, which is a home church network in urban cincinnati. he, alongside miah, rick and others, was one of the provocateurs who helped give shape and substance to our vision of sinners and saints. kevin almost always has a good word to offer. don't leave this stone unturned.

uncle cade posted a beautiful photo on dizzy dean's blog.

musing

one of the reasons i love reading novel is that occasionally an author will suggest an interpretation of a biblical text that i have never thought of. usually these interpretations are not intended by the author, but their beauty and insights still shine through.

while i was standing in a non-descript parking lot this morning smoking a butt, i read the following passage from w.p. kinsella's shoeless joe.

"i stare in awe at the acres of figures in front of me; to translate this situation to reality would be like trying to stuff a cloud into a suitcase."

if there is a better interpretation of hebrews 11, i haven't heard of it. although kinsella was talking about the 1919 black sox, this passage opened my eyes, so that i found myself starting at abraham, isaac and jacob, who were standing alongside more familiar figures like bob howard, alan taylor, grandma and uncle henri. let us stare in awe at the acres of people in front of us, friends, and be entranced by their faith and beauty.

the return of...the beverly police log

monday, april 11

2:14 a.m. an essex street man complained of dermatitus

5:35 p.m. a man was taking photos on dodge street

10:21 p.m. barking was reported on chase street

tuesday, april 12

9:28 a.m. a broughton drive resident was being followed by a verizon truck

wednesday, april 13

12:22 a.m. a car was reportedly rolling without headlights on essex street

4:41 p.m. a bad smell was reported at beverly commons drive

thursday, april 14

5:50 p.m. a man holding a party behind a fountain on elliot street

9:13 p.m. a shortell avenue man was reportedly using power tools

sunday, april 17

12:36 a.m. an abbott street resident (may or may not have been named james) reported someone looking into his windows (irony of ironies...the peepers got peeped!)

11:41 a.m. an elderly woman was reportedly leaning against a pole on spring street

12:19 a.m. a cabot street resident threatened to injest medication

1:11 p.m. police responded to a report of two asian men sitting in a car

11:43 p.m. a person was reportedly in the trunk of a car on cabot street

suspected power tools, staggering elderly women and the first appearance of sinners and saints. it was a hell of a week folks. a hell of a week!

saturday evening inspiration

"Sometimes you feel inadequate, because you are inadequate."

Dr. Haddon Robinson, Harold John Ockengea Distinguished Professor of Preaching at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary

brushback pitches

pedro is going to win 22 games this year. and it isn't going to mean a damn thing.

his last start aside, i am starting to question the wisdom of the mulder trade. i am slowly realizing that we traded a young tim hudson, and perhaps a neo-natal mike piazza, for an aging mulder. please forgive me, and my close friend walt jocketty, for being wrong on this one.

teams i would least like to face in the playoffs. if i'm the cardinals (and I am): florida, atlanta and houston. we haven't seen pitching staffs of this quality and depth since the bravos of the early 90s. if i'm the red sox: minnesota, oakland and new york. the first two because of pitching, the third because of godzirra and his massive attack.

it appears that paul depodesta knows what he's doin'. it's time for the national media to cut him some frickin' slack!

carlos zambrano is andujar reincarnate, wood doesn't have a high enough iq to be an ace and prior is about as durable as nancy drew. even before nomah's injury i knew that the cubs were in trouble.

terry francona's a horrible tactician...but at least he's one helluva nice guy! ortiz will finally win the MVP this season. could the curse of the bambino be replaced with the plague of the fever pitch? enough about the red sox.

in case you're wondering, i'm still pissed that they named them the nationals.

feel free to add your thoughts.

memorandum from captain random:

fact: if you are a little person (read: midget) with a penchant for acting you will never be unemployed.

i have decided to give up smoking...as soon as dizzy gives up nipping. a man needs accountability.

i can't help but laugh my head when i read sentences like this: "the amazing love of God for me penetrated my heart in a new and deep way that night." there are so many things that i could say about this sentence, but none of them are appropriate. so instead of being vulgar, i'm going to move on to the next chapter, "arousing adam." john and stasi eldredge bring so much to the unintentional comedy table.

if you aren't watching the office on tuesday nights, you're missing out. us collard people love it!

alex took me to the sox game on tuesday to celebrate oklahoma land run day, earth day or my birthday. i can't remember which. the convergence of these days makes celebrating my continued existence rather complicated. anyway, i enjoyed the fenway experience as always and was relieved that fever pitch has left nary a mark on the fenway faithful. our section was filled with interesting conversations about pitch counts, arguments about a certain player's age and the liberal spiking of coca-cola. there was no evidence of either a conga line or an under accomplished comedian in section 13. that being said, we were not left without a big mouthed (i am tempted to say something else that wouldn't be very nice) idiot in our section. when shea hillenbrand, a red sox product who was traded in 2003 for bk kim came up to bat she stood up and yelled "traitor." when i reminded her that hillenbrand did not leave of his own volition, but was traded, she wittily retorted, "he's still a traitor." she needs to get her big...mouth back to the bleachers, where she belongs.

unfortunatery, there were no godzirra sightings at fenway.

you know you're getting old when one of the kids in the middle school youth group you sponsored decides to up and get married.

in the last week the pixie agreed to let me put seats from busch stadium in the living room, watched the clemens/oswalt duel with me and bought a panoramic, framed photograph of busch stadium to commemorate land run day. did i mention that she wants to play strat-o-matic with me? i married the right girl. now, if i can only convince her that watching baseball and chewing red man golden blend are inextricably linked...

musing

yesterday i almost wrote a post about how frustrated i am with punctiliar (read: stop/start) models of conversion. my frustration is partially rooted in theology, but its primary impetus proceeds from my experience. i cannot point back to a single moment in time in which i was "saved," but can, and do, tell stories about how the refreshing waters of the Spirit have slowly altered the riverbed of my soul. anyway, it's a good thing that i left the post unwritten for wendell berry's living analogy of restoration, as told to us by gordon macdonald, "shows" this truth much more powerfully than i could ever "tell" it. you can check out the gordon macdonald article, in which he also includes a kind word for brian mclaren, here.

this journal article, and the post on jamie's blog have reminded me once again that i need to give macdonald a close read. as neal windham and rick would be quick to add, berry's books deserve a place on my shelf as well.

ct has also featured a piece about the life of lonnie frisbee, one of the most intriguing early leaders of the calvary chapel and vineyard movements. you can check out that piece here. i am so glad that the three dimensional testimony of this sinner and saint is being told.

may the peace of Christ be with you on this beautiful (in new england at least) spring day.

the unexpected sermon

late afternoon sun
  the dog is romping
  i am reading

eight year old voices
  and the metallic grind of scooters
  reverberate

feet on the window sill
  buechner sliding into a crescendo
  and then, and then

the dog tears the curtain
  an eight year old startled
  i am revealed

amen. i am revealed

reasons to get up in the morning

the older i get, the earlier i rise. although this practice keeps me from exercising my spiritual gift (read: sleeping), i think it is more beneficial than not.

in order to provide self-motivation for the days i do not want to either rise or shine and in order to remind myself of the beauty of this exercise we call life, i decided to jot down a short list of reasons to get up in the morning.

1. prayer (i realize this sounds overly pious and "preacherish," but i ain't gonna lie)
2. npr's morning edition
3. equal exchange coffee
4. west coast baseball scores
5. morning kisses from dizzy
6. morning kiss from kellie
7. trader joe's rasberry preserves
8. seeing the sun rise over the packy (read: package store or local liquor merchant)
9. hot water and consistent pressure
10. my morning shit (i know, i know, but it's my favorite shit of the day)
11. tom's of maine, wintergreen flavor
12. looking for good words from friends (read: obsessively checking for blog updates)

that's all for now. i'll try to post something more meaningful tomorrow.