rear-entry gentry and kevin smith clark present: patron saints of the view askew universe!

today, in honor of tomorrow’s release of clerks II - remember to tell your friends – i would like to express my devotion to dante hicks and plead with him to intercede on my behalf before the great stan lee of the sky.

rear-entry gentry’s saint:

some twelve years ago, while lazing on the stained peach carpet in front of the old school console television in my parent’s living room i was introduced to dante hicks. since that moment, my life has never been quite the same. at first, i thought dante’s cynicism was quirky, his fear of occupational opportunities outside of the quick stop absurd and his resignation to his apparent lot in life quite pathetic. little did i know that dante was introducing me to the underachieving path i would later embrace.

i would like to tell you about all the lessons dante has taught me, but due to the limitations of my lunch break i can only mention a few. first, dante has taught me that it is far better to remain in a lowly occupation where you are secure* than to risk out and out failure in a job that may pay more money and offer greater satisfaction. in short, it is better to constantly bitch about the blatant ignorance of the milk maids or the fact that “i’m not even supposed to be here today” than to actually find out if you can make the cut in the cold, cruel world. second, dante introduced me to the never-ending humor of cataclysmic relations with the opposite sex. dante acted as if his life would be relatively meaningless without his memory of caitlin’s tryst with amy or the fact that she ultimately left him to fuck an asian design major. much like dante, at more than one point in my life i’ve wondered what life would be like if i didn’t have wonderful stories about dumping a high strung, dumpy assed girlfriend at an airport starbucks or securing a short-term but physically emotionally fulfilling relationship with an eastern european girl by offering her vague promises of american citizenship** to tell time and again at parties or around the water cooler. finally, in his occupational and relational exploits dante reminds us of the seminal truth that life is not ultimately about a great celebration of dancing muppets or the reconciliation of obviously homoerotic friendships in the sky, but rather, life is a series of down endings that we either learn to deal with or we don’t.

pray for me saint dante! ask the great stan lee of the sky to save me from employment at mooby’s, grant me your gift of well-stated cynicism and teach me how to weather these down endings with at least a little bit of hope.

kevin smith clark’s saint: randal the berzerker



randal represents how I’d act (or want to act) if I was conscience-free and did not allow my title to dictate behavior.

saint randall, lover of hermaphrodites, salsa sharks and ever expanding horizons, pray for me!

feel free to lift up your hearts to the stan lee of the sky and share your devotion. we’ll see you at the theater!

* and your intellect and vocabulary constantly illustrate your superiority to co-workers and clients.

** ok, this story is (mostly) untrue, but life would probably be more interesting if it was.