memorandum from captain random

have you seen 9 to 5, the working girl epic that starred dolly parton, lily tomlin, jane fonda and dabney coleman? if so, you probably remember that it featured a most startling scene in which the boss was enslaved as a s & m gimp. well, i haven’t seen 9 to 5 in probably 20 years, but i’m beginning to suspect that the sequel is taking place before my very eyes. since i was scarred by the sight of dabney coleman in taut leather and have no desire to see the scene replicated here at lightway’s world headquarters i’d like to offer the following admonition: johnny, you’re up to your neck in estrogen and have done little to stem the tide. if you don’t learn to play politics and mind your p’s and q’s or you’re going to be sporting chaps, hooked to a restraining wire and choking on a rubber ball before the month is out. i wish you the best and want you to know that once they crack the whip i can no longer be of any help.

just this morning, the st. louis post-dispatch announced that the cardinal’s theme song of the summer is simon and garfunkel’s slip sliding away. let the record show that i foresaw this collapse during the winter of 2004-2005 and find my prophetic abilities completely unfulfilling.

see, i told you so: just say no!

today, working lightway feels like overseeing a garage sale. i’ve spent the morning retroactively applying discounts, assuaging our customers’ “buyer's remorse” and reminding them that we’re here to make fucking money so they can take those items they want to return and shove them up their ass. i suppose i’m a wee bit frustrated at the moment.

the only substantial difference between gentry circa 1996 and the gentry you see baring his ass before you today is that the former would have “snapped, thrown the country A-K rack out in the middle of the street and gone to work in a virgin megastore” at the drop of a hat, while the latter merely fills his cube with profanity, pours another cup of coffee and keeps his hands firmly attached to the plow and his eyes fixed straight ahead.

hey there julia. misery loves company.

i’m the most unoriginal internet surfer ever, am getting a bit tired of the sights i frequent and need new ways to waste hours at work. if you know of any sites that connect with (what you perceive to be) my interests and include interesting writing, please comment below.

props to rick for bringing this all things considered article to my attention. i had no idea that evangelicals reacted to roe v. wade in such diverse ways and never would have guessed that an exalted southern baptist like w.a. criswell would have said the following: “W.A. Criswell, former president of the Southern Baptist Convention and pastor of First Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, expressed his satisfaction with the Roe v. Wade ruling. "I have always felt that it was only after a child was born and had a life separate from its mother that it became an individual person," the redoubtable fundamentalist declared, "and it has always, therefore, seemed to me that what is best for the mother and for the future should be allowed." i’d encourage you to read the article and consider picking up randall balmer’s thy kingdom come (which, if it is half as good as mine eyes have seen the glory is definitely worth a read.

the wedding singer on broadway?! pathetic.