kevin smith clark’s salute to corporate recruitment
Today is my last day at my job in beautiful Toledo, Ohio, just a stone's throw from the muddy banks of the Maumee River, and not far from Tom Noe's recent indictment (if you don't know Tom Noe, google him...an interesting story). For the past year, I worked for a recruitment process management company, doing job sourcing and screening for a large-scale construction company. Thus, the funniest part of my job has been the items people actually list in their resumes. I have compiled a "greatest hits" for your amusement (in no particular order and completely unedited):
1. One individual spent a summer "humping materials on the job site"
2. One worked as a "Hot beef pusher," and another was looking for employment in the adult film industry (but not as an actor)...I wonder if these guys were one in the same?
3. One needed a proofreader..."Iam looking for work I have 12 years in the carptners union and 14 years in the maintance 7 repairs of conmerchal and resabental repairs done each stage from start to finish excipt for painting i hate to paint name James taylor i live in banning i have tranportshion denpable it not a truck but a turbo volvo wagon that is reliable then any other"
4. And so did this one...Hi my name is (name deleted) i has my small company doing MAINTENANCE AND REPAIR ON HOME AND MANUFACTURED HOME REFURBISHED I DO PAINT/DRYWALL/TRIM/PUMP/AND SMALL ELE WORK / AND I DID SMALL ADD TO HOME ON SOME OF THE REFURBISHED WE REDONE THE HOLE HOME I BEEN DOING THIS FOR 10 YEAR BUT WORK GOT SHOW SO I HAS TO FIND SOMETHING ELE TO DO HERE OR SOME NUMBER OF THE PLACE I WORK
(name and number deleted) THIS WERE I WORK FOR LONG TIME DOING MAINTENACE WORK AND REFER
5. (not from a resume) If you get a chance call Dell's Den 334 756 3336 and listen to the message
6. One had the gift of pleonasm..."I am also the full time substitute, so when there are teachers out sick, I take over their class"
7. One was gunning for a Pulitzer (lengthy and unaltered, but worth it)...At The End Of This Resume, I Have Enclosed A Short Synopsis And A Few Paragraphs Of Writing From The Novel To Give You A Sample Of My Writing Style And Creativity. Even If You Do Not Wish To Consider Me For Employment, I Do Hope You Will Take One Minute To Read The Writing Sample. If You Like Mystery / Suspense Novels Full Of Quirky Characters And Off Beat Humor This Might Be A Novel Which You Would Enjoy. There's A Cat Named Mr. Puddles, A Big Guy Who's A Wimp Named Zed, A Woman Named Melissa Wigglebenny, A Garbage Man Who Looks Like A Viking, A College Student Who Daintily Sips Soda Like A 1930's Movie Star, A Female Belly Dancing Instructor With A Beard Who "Resembles Castro On A Bad Hair Day" And Lots Of Other Quirky Characters.
8. And, perhaps my all-time favorite, the many abilities of this candidate:
- The ability to quickly make coordinated movements of one hand, a hand together with its arm, or two hands to grasp, manipulate, or assemble objects
- The ability to read and understand information and ideas presented in writing
- The ability to exert one's self physically over long periods of time without getting winded or out of breath
-The ability to add, subtract, multiply, or divide quickly and correctly
-The ability to listen to and understand information and ideas presented through spoken words and sentences
-The ability to identify and understand the speech of another person
-The ability to see objects in the presence of glare or bright lighting
-The ability to match or detect differences between colors, including shades of color and brightness