Thursday, March 30, 2006

sometimes i wish…

that i was one of those gracious people who made every person they spoke with feel like they were the most important person in the world. i’m sure you’ve encountered these magnanimous individuals, who listen carefully to your every word, find a way to relate to every experience and are able to encourage people with wise words instead of unreflective opinions.

i wish i was that way, but i’m not. when i don’t want to talk to someone, by body physically recoils. when an uninvited individual invades my space, i quickly re-establish boundaries. and in those rare moments where i physically force myself to slap my empathetic face on and receive people well, anyone who looks in my eyes knows that i’m being false.

there’s a guy at my work who is as extroverted as i am intro and his love for small talk is almost as great as my hatred for it. but i constantly slap my empathetic face on in an attempt to be the person that i wish i was and - truth be told – in order to score a few of his red sox tickets.

i am jack's self-loathing.


Before Girl said...

But don't you feel badly in being false? Or would you feel worse in putting on your "real" face? This is something I struggle with as well.

g13 said...

yeah, i hate being false. i try to slap on the empathy because somewhere deep inside of me i still believe in the cliche, "fake it until you make it."