Tuesday, July 15, 2008

skunk hunters

anita's afraid of spiders and i'm afraid skunks. so on saturday afternoon, while cleansing the backyard, what did we see?

after we had already emptied the doomed shed of its tiki torches, buckets of methanol and other, mostly useless, contents, i swept offal off of a sauder bookshelf, hoisted it by end, swung towards the door and nearly sh*t my pants when a skunk was revealed.

since i was afraid of being sprayed, we opened the doors to the shed, called animal control to see if they could rectify the problem,* and assumed that the skunk would make his exit during the evening hours.

on sunday morning i, hesitantly, checked the shed again to see if our skanky friend had left and was relieved when it appeared that he had. so, on sunday afternoon, when i once again grabbed the sauder shelf by end, i was comforted by the fact that he was nowhere in sight. unfortunately, as soon as i hoisted the shelf what did i see but i dirty sneak of a skunk, looking back at me.

so i dropped the shelf and backed slowly out of the shed. as soon as i was clear, the skunk scampered across the floor and appeared to wedge himself in the southeast corner of the shed that is closest to the house.

by that time, i was scared and pissed. so, while maintaining a safe distance, i found all of the large stones that littered our backyard and i started a full-frontal assault on the shed. first my stones took off the doors, then my stones pulverised the corner of the shed in which the skunk was (presumably) shaking. i assumed that at some point, i would smell the skank's sweet death! but alas, victory was illusive.

at just that moment, anita, dressed in church clothes and sporting open toes, stopped by the backyard. drawing upon her immense reservoirs of courage, she went and moved the sauder sh*t again, but the skunk was not there. she then looked in the corner where i assumed the skunk had stolen away. but he was not there either.

at that moment, assuming that the skunk had snuck under the partially rotted shed floor, i decided to take offensive action.

wielding a thirty pound, five foot long auger, we started to destroy the shelf swing-by-swing.

so we swung...

and swung...

and tugged...

until we tore that damn shed down!

after we had dismantled the shed and pried up the boards what should we see!?

no skunks! but instead a legion of wood, long-leg and fiddleback spiders. at that moment anita fled and i was too tired to completely dismantle the shed.

but two nights later, after a cowardly, night-time assault by our aforementioned foe, return we did! we fully disposed of the shed, flooded the skunks borroughs with environmentally friendly glycerin, ran roughshod over every spider and vermin we laid eyes upon and so became the baddest a*s skunk hunters 4 judson ever did see!

the end.

* as for animal control: if you call them to smoke your beloved pet, they're jonny on the spot. but request help with unwanted vermin and they simply instruct you to make the skunks listen to terry gross all night long. thanks for the help, ye wonderful publik servants!


Smee said...

Great post, Jeff! I would never have known that you are afraid of skunks.

By the way, is that a RED SOX shirt I spy on you? :-p


mike said...

hey man that terry gross shit works. that shit is deadly pretentious

g13 said...

hey beck, i wore that hillenbrand shirt on tuesday night in hopes of jinxing the AL. apparently it didn't work.

mike, apparently terry asked the skunk how being turned out of his home at an early age inspired his acting career. from what i've heard, in response the skunk skanked her in the face.

mike said...

that terry gross, she really knows how to make any subject i'm not interested in even less interesting. and i was really stoked for the skunk interview. i was thinking that i wouldn't have to switch off the NPR between morning edition and all things considered but alas, even the skunk couldn't pull it out of the shitcan.

Anita said...

jeff, nice try, but I gotta mention that you showed your skinny super strength by swinging that auger about 40 times to my 5! it was however a good mix of our talents and a victory for all of Judson st.

Smee said...

Hillenbrand, eh? When did you get one of those? You didn't live in MA at the time that he was with us, did you?

In any case, Red Sox red looks just as nice on you as RedBird red does... :)

Clovis said...

Is the skunk okay?

g13 said...

i don't know chris. i couldn't find the skunk, so i didn't kill him.