for many years, dustin diamond’s portrayal of samuel “screech” powers on saved by the bell made us laugh ourselves silly. then, in an unexpected and risky career move, he spent seven additional seasons inspiring us on saved by the bell: the new class. now, after years of satiating our entertainment needs, dustin diamond needs our assistance. we hope that the readers of musings seriously consider supporting our beloved screetch by buying a t-shirt, buying a brick or helping dustin come up with alternate ways to save his house.
we are emailing dustin the following detailed list of alternate ways for him to save his house later this afternoon. if you can think of any additional ways that dustin can increase revenue, pay off his creditors and so create a safe, loving home for his future offspring, please let us know.
1. serve as the corporate sponsor for the hot sundae: "i'm so evicted" tour
2. sell and distribute DVDs of a.c. slater surprising screetch with a hot karl.
3. star in a very special, 3 episode arc of king of queens as leah remini’s schizophrenic, sex-addicted, yet surprisingly funny homosexual step brother.
4. hire lark voorhies, or if she’s too busy, a legitimate lark lookalike for a screech-lisa turtle porno that features a dirty sanchez scene and is creatively titled: "screech and loosa turdle"
5. in addition to the "buy a brick" program offer the opportunity for contributors to a "take a piss" on yours truly. we think the financial potential of the latter idea is at least as bright as the former.
6. fight mr. belding in a winner take all, no holds barred, intermission special at ultimate fighting challenge: milwaukee.
please solicit your ideas immediately so that we can HELP SAVE SCREECH'S HOUSE!