Wednesday, June 21, 2006

rear-entry gentry and kevin smith clark present: alternate ways for dustin diamond to save his house

for many years, dustin diamond’s portrayal of samuel “screech” powers on saved by the bell made us laugh ourselves silly. then, in an unexpected and risky career move, he spent seven additional seasons inspiring us on saved by the bell: the new class. now, after years of satiating our entertainment needs, dustin diamond needs our assistance. we hope that the readers of musings seriously consider supporting our beloved screetch by buying a t-shirt, buying a brick or helping dustin come up with alternate ways to save his house.

we are emailing dustin the following detailed list of alternate ways for him to save his house later this afternoon. if you can think of any additional ways that dustin can increase revenue, pay off his creditors and so create a safe, loving home for his future offspring, please let us know.

1. serve as the corporate sponsor for the hot sundae: "i'm so evicted" tour

2. sell and distribute DVDs of a.c. slater surprising screetch with a hot karl.

3. star in a very special, 3 episode arc of king of queens as leah remini’s schizophrenic, sex-addicted, yet surprisingly funny homosexual step brother.

4. hire lark voorhies, or if she’s too busy, a legitimate lark lookalike for a screech-lisa turtle porno that features a dirty sanchez scene and is creatively titled: "screech and loosa turdle"

5. in addition to the "buy a brick" program offer the opportunity for contributors to a "take a piss" on yours truly. we think the financial potential of the latter idea is at least as bright as the former.

6. fight mr. belding in a winner take all, no holds barred, intermission special at ultimate fighting challenge: milwaukee.

please solicit your ideas immediately so that we can HELP SAVE SCREECH'S HOUSE!


g13 said...

I encourage you all to read the full story behind Hot Sundae and Jessie's collapse...

...but only if you're a Saved By the Bell enthusiast.

K Smith Clark

james said...

laughing my ass off. With all the turd mentioning I was surprised there was no offer for "toss a screech salad" for $50 a pop.

g13 said...

we'll definitely add "toss a screech salad" to the list. no reasonable suggestion will be slighted.

Anonymous said...

i don't know about y'all, but i think screetch needs to swallow his pride, accept Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior and seize his place in the Christian straight to video market.

Before Girl said...

I knew a girl whose roommate dated Screech and he'd get pissed when he called, and she would call out, "Hey, Screech is on the phone for you!"

Mike said...

i too was caught by not one but two (three if you count the implied golden shower) ref. to coprophilia.

but then i remembered it was rear entry gentry and KSC.

i think he should ride the coat tales of his more successful brother mike D.

they could both convert and then colaborate on a "christian" punk album.

their stage names could be "hot carl" and "dirty sanchez"