trying real hard

yesterday i felt like i had my shit together. late in the afternoon i met with a senior research fellow at a major university and we talked about how we can help transform the lives of others through workforce development and considered how we can successfully navigate the system so that those whose primary accomplishment is "completing their sentences" won't wreck havoc on our industry and ideas. i felt like hot shit as we grabbed for our emblazoned wallets at a sidewalk cafe and kept our cold guns fixed on the ringos of the world.

near the end of the conversation the research fellow/leadership expert asked me what my five year plan was and i stumbled a bit as my mouth spewed ideas about mission-driven non-profit leadership and i desperately sought to to re-orient the compass i cannot shake.

today, as my legally blind ass is readjusting to the light i've been given, i realize that much like jules, my ambitions and plans are the tyranny of evil men, yet my reluctant heart is calling me to be a shepherd.

and yet, as i sit at an adolescent desk in the basement of s.h.i.t., i cannot think of a role i am less prepared to play. today i have prayed, searched the introduction of mark's gospel and sandbagged tears every step of the way as i wrestle the vulnerability, surrendered agency and servility that mark the path of pastoral ministry.

today i am shit served cold as i return to the task wherein my strength is insufficient and altogether not the point. i can't fathom why God has called me to lead when i can barely walk the earth and i can only find comfort in the stories of forerunners who were unfit to remove sandals and stump preachers who were scarcely literate.

i am terrified and clearly out-of-season. but for God's grace, i can't continue.