it's 2:33 on a monday afternoon and i'm already weary. as i contemplate the precursors of my present state, i realize that i am relationally exhausted. the weekend was a web of relational connections, in which i enjoyed being trapped, yet sapped my strength nonetheless. somehow, in the last few years i have transitioned from a life of disengagement to a life of almost complete engagement. my fragmented thoughts and fragile emotional state suggest that i need to search for the elusive mean that rests between these two poles. solitude should provide me with time to connect with God, intercede for the other and prepare my heart to receive as well speak unto the lives of others. through engagement i should receive the admonishment/fellowship/gifts of the other and learn how i can use solitude to intercede for others.
furthermore, i realize that i am intellectually exhausted. as our church has matured i have been called upon to teach less and during the summer i am completely free of academic obligation, but i am intellectually spent. though i read religiously, it has been weeks, if not months, since i finished a treatise of any significant length, and the last time i scaled the heights of a tolstoy or n.t. wright was far too long ago. i feel like the mundane tasks that fill my working hours are slowly sapping my desire to study, contemplate and 'center down.' i dedicate perhaps ten hours a week to serving our community, engaging in acts of compassion and preparing for the task of proclamation. the rest of my hours are spent creating a hunger for and servicing a culture i abhor. i am tired of trading my intellect for an increased market share.
finally, i must confess that holding onto hope has rendered me weary. last week i found out that one of the children i tutor on a weekly basis during the school year was regularly exchanged for a couple of lines of cocaine. every social, economic and relational card was already stacked against this young girl. now she will have unspeakable sexual wounds to deal with as well. it is during times like these that hope truly seems to "lay to waste your heart." how can i hold onto hope in a world where the fatherless are left undefended, the value of ethnic groups is determined by their access to natural resources and the church often treats the gospel as merely another commodity that will increase it's quality of life? the tension between hope and reality is tearing me apart.
Lord, i am weary. i feel like i have given my life to you, but have produced relatively little fruit. i am finding it exceedingly difficult to hold onto hope, in the midst of this horrible reality. yet, you are still my shepherd and i am still your sheep. when i wander into the thicket of despair, guide me back toward hope. in times like these, when my legs are giving out, lead me into green pastures and beside still waters and so restore my soul.
