poor, poor privileged me

tonight the board of elders at my home church is discussing the possibility of my ordination. i have never felt a stronger sense of calling to pastoral ministry and cannot think of a higher honor than being consecrated for ministry by my own church. however, i have no clue what form my ministry will take in five years or where it will lead me.

i can't imagine preaching and presiding over the sacrament less than twice a month, yet i fully acknowledge the wisdom of my colleague at rectangle who sat me down two weeks ago and said: "you have a family, you are a pastor and you are committed to leadership at rectangle. how much longer do you think you can continue doing all three things well?"

well? sometimes i wonder if i can continue doing all three things at all. of course, that is what i think my colleague was getting at.

i cannot help but preach. i have always been healthiest when i am serving beside and being served by people with disabilities. i adore my wife more than words can express, am so proud of my son and realize that family is the sine qua non of my existence. this is the trinitarian tension of my existence. sometimes i dance betwixt other times i am torn apart.

tonight my eyes welled with the beauty and the terror.