musing

i don't know why i feel a pressing need to share these thoughts, but i do.

in simkins most recent post, he talked about how he has "not walked away from the faith," but has "walked away from the institution that was born in middle America in the 1950's." as i thought about his provocative post i began to reflect on the congregational churches in which i was raised and later trained to lead. since i have been ministering in a non-institutional way for a little over three years now, i thought it would be helpful for me to create a list of the "top ten things i miss about the traditional church." i intended for this list to be witty, stimulating and, above all, honor the traditional church (which i still love deeply).

unfortunately, after ten minutes of thinking, my list only included two items.
in regards to the traditional, congregational church i really miss:

1. worshipping with and serving beside an economically, socially and generationally diverse congregation. in my home congregation a number of my grandparent's friends mentored me and loved me deeply and i am a much better person for it.

2. i miss traditional, monological sermons. my affinity for this form of proclamation is probably a bit self-centered, since i'm a decent "preacher," but there is still something about one person, who has thoroughly studied a text, applied the implications of the text to her heart, prayed over the sermon and loves her congregation, proclaiming and, on rare occasion perhaps even becoming, the word of God. just thinking about this form of proclamation reminds me of so many memorable sermons i've heard throughout the years - neil windham is still admonishing "careful preparations, holy rhythms, godly outcomes," sackett is going on about the brutal struggle between "better and best," and castelein is forging a long-lasting connection between me and "the deceiver."

i suppose at this point i could prattle on about how relieved i am to be working outside of a traditional church or perhaps i could reproduce a part of my b+ paper on the strengths and weaknesses of the seeker church, but i'm not going to do anything of the sort. instead, i'd like to offer a brief affirmation and confession.

first, i love the church. as i've told everyone who knows me well time and time again, "i didn't give my life to serve the seeker church/home church/christian church, churches of christ (take your pick), but to serve the Church." although i've had my moments of rebellion and reaction against any number of models, i do not condemn any of them. in fact, i harbor a deep love for them all. if god had led me into a congregation that embraces one of these models and/or un-denominational background, i would serve them with the same (flawed) dedication and (middling) passion that i serve sinners and saints.

second, although i am a bit removed from these structures, i still long for the stability and order that they provide. when we started s & s i was scared e.o.e.less, since we had little clue of what we were doing. even now, as we try to steward the resources god has given us and find ways to effectively incarnate christ's compassion and proclaim god's reversal throughout the world, i am often overwhelmed. i fear that we are failing to make "more and better" disciples. i don't know how we can reproduce a community as idiosyncratic as s & s or if we should even try. free from any traditional, denominational affiliation, i worry that i will fall into heresy. i cannot tell you how many times i have been tempted to seek a traditional ministry post or respond favorably to the few that have been offered.

but, i have become more and more convinced that god is not leading me down the latter path. so, here i stand, in and among people that i love, working with and in a community that i was not trained to lead. and i love it. but i do not claim a malicious bone nor harbor any enmity towards other forms of church. in fact, i think that every population base of any significance should have every form or model of church present. all of our unique strengths and perhaps even some of our weaknesses will be needed as we incarnate god's unexpected kingdom and together await its final consummation.

voco, vocare

begin with the end in mind
he said
as i struggled to distinguish mission from vision

where goes my ambition
i wonder
how one ascends while descending

these e.o.e.ing questions are never ending
don’t you
fear being crucified

with service and success on either side
anoint me
king of the polarities

how is it going to end?

it was supposed to happen on september 12, 1988. after dreading his return throughout the school day, i figured that he would appear in the evening sky. as i pumped my huffy over to my girlfriend's house (she's since become a lesbian. she wasn't the last woman i had this effect on, but the first) i remember thinking, "so this is how it feels to live in the end of days." in all honesty, the feeling wasn't that bad. the hormones provided a nice counterbalance to the apocalyptic angst and the evening went off without either a hitch or, unfortunately, any action.

although my apocalyptic angst subsided a bit after the fury surrounding 88 reasons why the rapture is in 1988 died down, i was still haunted with thoughts and assaulted with talks about the end of the world. i can distinctly remember skipping youth group trips to jim petty's house, lest i be terrified by his tales of plagues and pestilence. i also remember being scared senseless of christ's return while i slept in, and occasionally with, my sin. although i look back on my rapture ready childhood with a bit of a wry smile, i don't think all of its effects upon me were all bad. after all, the visceral sense of christ's return encouraged me to let go of the key light and, eventually, my incredible self-loathing so that i could follow this provocative palestinian jew who has shaken up history and shaken the hell out of my life. i think that's a pretty good thing.

however, as the years have gone by, my expectation of, and perhaps even my belief in, christ's literal, physical return has become a bit more abstract. though i still chant the piece of the roman liturgy that states "christ has died, christ has risen, christ will come again," on regular occasion, i tend to follow n.t. wright and others who see most of the apocalyptic imagery in matthew 24 and mark 13 as referring to the destruction of jerusalem in a.d. 70 instead of a more traditional rider on the storm type of scene. moreover, although i embrace an amillenial perspective on the end times - which has nothing to say about the "when" of christ's return but still holds tenaciously to the "what," in practice i act more like a post-millenial, who believes that by incarnating christ's compassion and proclaiming his subversive gospel in the world the consummation of the kingdom will slowly come into being.

then, occasionally, i stumble across a passage like luke 12:39 - 40, which speaks of the lord jesus arriving like a thief who comes when we will least expect him. i know that this text could be referring to his arrival upon the advent of my death or, more likely, speaking of his "arrival" in judgment in a.d. 70 (when jerusalem was soundly sacked by rome). however, there seems to be something more to this passage. i know that some folks will think this is a stretch, but i think that jesus was quite conscious of his eventual terminus and he truly expected to return in a royal, red carpet scene like none other. jesus repeatedly alludes to the latter scene by designating himself as "the son of man" and by turns subtly and not so subtly referring back to daniel 7:13-14.

i know wright would chide me for "not knowing a rich metaphor when i see one" for saying this, but i still think that christ told us to prepare for, and carefully await, his literal, final return. and i don't know quite what to do with that.

it relieves me a little to realize that few of my colleagues and bible college/seminary professors know what to do with it either, for the gradual recession of pre-millenial and rapture-ready type thought among serious christian thinkers has, from my perspective anyway, led to a certain amount of apocalyptic agnosticism in the mainstream eh-vangelical and ee-vangelical church. although we confess christ's return and keep the doctrine in our systematic theologies, it does not get much popular - outside of really bad pulp novels anyway - or intellectual play. i can't remember the last time i heard a sermon on the second coming and i know that i've never given one.

so yeah, the second coming...i know what i confess, but have serious questions about what i believe.