Wednesday, April 25, 2007

somewhere between the losing and the finding

i am as confounded as i am content. i am so deeply grateful to finally have someone who is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone, but terrified that i will not be able to provide for my family. i finally have a job that converges somewhat with my calling, but doesn't pay the mortgage and only tangentially relates to my greatest strength. i constantly want to proclaim the goodness, beauty and truth of God, but can only rarely find the words. i'm an ex-aspiring theologian who leans towards calvinism yet finds himself whispering to those broken by Christ's body that people are only christians insofar as they follow Christ.

it's in moments like these that i envy my Christian brothers and sisters that serve in more traditional settings and cling to a more established branches of theology. these are days when, in an ecclesiological sense, i feel like "throwing the country a through k rack in the middle of the streets and going to work for a virgin mega store." but here i quake and can do no other.

1 comment:

Agent B said...

I feel your pain. Had those thoughts one too many times myself.

Well, I've never wanted to work in a trad church sense. But life would be much easier with a normal job, 401K, benefits, health options.

But I'd be suicidal if I woke up to that.

There's a way guys like you can live your vocation without selling your soul. Don't ask me what, but there's a way somewhere.