Sunday, April 01, 2007

do you love me?

this morning, as i lazed in bed beside my beautiful pixie like wife and awaited the birth of our first child, i spoke of the things i love in relation to my love for the saint louis cardinals. since the cardinals open their defense of their 10th world series championship this evening, i thought i'd let you in on our conversation.

the gold standard for this conversation is the cardinals winning their 11th world series championship. everything else in my life is arranged in relation to how important that one event is. i.e., if dizzy is ranked at +11, that means i love her 11% more than the cardinals winning their next championship. conversely, if finishing seminary at gordon-conwell theological seminary ranks at -30, that means i value my seminary education 30% less than the cardinals. got it? if the concept is still a little hazy in your mind, feel free to drop a comment asking me to rank the importance of a public figure, a book, movie, ideology or any thing else that relates to my life. i think that my response will give you a clearer glimpse of the complete picture.*

pixie: +20.2**
papa: +20.1
preston: +15
james and brooke: +11.1
dizzy dean: +11
sinners and saints christian community: +11
saint francis: +3
personal literacy: +1.4
world peace: push
orgasm: push
the gold standard: the cardinals win! the cardinals win! their 11th world series championship!
orgasm: push
world peace: push
the beverly public library: -1.2
kevin smith flicks: -2
friday night lights: -2.3
harry potter and the deathly hallows: -2.5
the emergent conversation: -3
sinners and saints' fourth annual wild at heart weekend: -4
coffee: - 15
coffee at michelle's diner: -21
obstetricians: -37***

* which, for the record, is not a schooner. you dumb bastard.
** there was some deliberation over whether pixie was 20.1 and papa was 20.2 or the final ranking that you see above. but, since the pixie is sitting right here and she has a number of wily skills at her disposal she won out.
*** fyi: they hate women.


james said...

Nice where would you rank the following.

-Dr. Ruth Westheimer
-reading books
-your new job
-George W. Bush
-bush briefs
-Uncle Henri
-Freddy B.

g13 said...


Dr. Ruth Westheimer: -37
reading books: +2
your new job: +9
George W. Bush: -666
bush briefs: +9
Uncle Henri: +10.5
Freddy B.: + 10.4

ali said...

I would love to see you come back and revisit these same questions 6 months after becoming a parent.

Before Girl said...

Clerks 2
Douglas Coupland
Snickers bars
Birkenstock sandals

Leanne said...

Your cowboy boots
A good poop
Ryan Gosling

g13 said...

Clerks: -2.1
Clerks 2: -2.2
Douglas Coupland: -24.7
Mondays: -9
Snickers bars: -43.8
Birkenstock sandals: (assuming that your referring to my worn out "holy" brown clogs) -3
Wool: -82
Cotton: -81
Spandex: -80

g13 said...

Your cowboy boots: -21
A good poop: -9
Ryan Gosling: -362

Kellie said...

If the cowboy boots are at -21, then I think that means they should be thrown out. I think the last time you wore them was 2 years ago New Years Eve when I threatened to throw them out for lack of use. In fact, I doubt that you know enough about where they or your brown Doc Martens are to protect them from landing on the curb come garbage day.

g13 said...


my cowboy boots are on the shelf on my side of the closet and my brown doc martens, which turned 11 this year by the way, are hibernating underneath the white shelf in the hall closet.

and we're not throwing them out. if either pair goes missing, say goodbye to your fuzzy bunny!

cade said...