musing...

although i settled for shitty customer service jobs for six+ years, i always wanted to work in social services. towards that end, i applied for jobs at local agencies, volunteered my time and made feeble attempts to network with people in the field. however, though i always suspected my days would be best invested in the helping professions, i worried that working a social service job during the day and continuing to work with sinners and saints would relationally exhaust me.

right now, i realize that my suspicions were not without merit.

don't get me wrong, i love my new job, but some days, after i've spent two hours in traffic, eight hours accompanying people with disabilities and another hour or two discussing, dreaming and investing in the mission of the church i am utterly exhausted. at such moments, my head pounds, i lose my sense of humor and i start looking for a reasonable route of retreat.

not that i'm comparing myself with him or anything, but i realize that Jesus felt this way on a number of occasions as well. there is this wonderful scene in the gospel of mark where Jesus and the disciples are sailing away to a retreat only to be intercepted by massive, clamoring crowds at their port of call. at that moment, as mark tells it, the disciples are fonching at the bit to get the hell out of dodge and trying to remind Jesus of their original intentions. but in that moment, Jesus looks at the crowd and has compassion on them. quite literally, as mark tells it, Jesus looks at the clamoring crowd and loves them from his gut.

right now i want to find a reasonable route of retreat - painting the nursery tonight all by my lonesome sounds really good right now - but i also want to learn to love my clamoring clients from my own gut even when i'm utterly exhausted.

i suspect that such empowerment on the Holy Spirit's agenda. i hope he can find a moment to slot me in.