stranger than fiction

about twenty minutes ago i called roadway express to check the status of an order sentimental somethings sent to mclean, texas. after i gave the customer our “pro” tracking number there was a lengthy delay as the customer searched in vain for the tracking information. somewhere around the three minute mark the customer service rep finally cracked and said “i sware. these sistims are so screwed up. eim convinced that the reeson our sistim ain’t workin’ is beecause it’s been infilltrated by those terrists.” at this, I suppressed my laughter long enough to suggest that “it must be a conspiracy, ‘cause our systems are a mess too!” much to my dismay, the customer service rep responded to my suggestion with laughter. i suppose i need a little more training before i can be a truly effective fear monger.

not thirty minutes after this conversation i heard sam’s* phone ring and then a loud, percussive smack from her cubicle. i peeked over our four foot dividing wall and noticed that sam’s face was now the lightest shade of crimson and she was blubbering to her brother about hitting herself with her phone. in response to this, in strict adherence to my misanthropic tendencies, my eyes started to brim with laughter and i sunk back into my cube.

shortly after sam applied an ice pack to her face, i rattled off one of my regular rants against our incompetent customers** only to hear sam say “jeff, are you going to remind those customers what the five fingers say to the face?” i immediately responded by assuring her that “surely my five fingers couldn’t do half the damage to her as the phone just did to you.” unfortunately her retort was too uncouth to print on this family page, but rest assured that sam and a significant number of my female coworkers are less than happy with me at the moment. i on the other hand am still laughing.


* the name has been changed to protect the innocent.
** i like to think of them as garage sale proprietors who prattled their way into a loan.