Wednesday, August 16, 2006

mid-morning time waster



last night, after we had finished priming the baseboards and were in the midst of watching a close red sox/tigers scrum, cade impulsively grabbed the comcast remote and muttered “don’t judge me”* as he turned the channel to the miss teen usa pageant on nbc.

i’d love to tell you that i cursed my future housemate and immediately turned the channel back to the ballgame, but i must admit i found the pageant highly entertaining. after a half hour of, um, poking fun at the physical limitations of the girls on the stage, laughing at their barely concealed attempts to flaunt their nascent sex appeal and ridiculing at their ambiguous responses to rather unremarkable queries, i asked cade how the pageant folk come up with the questions. in my mind’s eye i could envision the pageant coordinators writing the questions as they sipped amaretto sours and watched the second season of will and grace on dvd. cade suggested that the questions were created in an altogether sober environment, but still i had to wonder what kind of questions my friends could come up with if we had just the tiniest bit to drink and were not concerned with matters of propriety.

so there’s the catch. if you were sitting with me in some velvet covered lounge, sharing some drinks and enduring the androgynous, coldplay inspired music that was being piped over the pa, what questions could we come up with for miss teen usa? here’s my first batch.

1. now that you've excelled in the electric swimsuit competition and stunned us with that evening gown that accentuates your legs how would you answer accusations that the miss teen usa pageant objectifies young women?

2. do you consider the french government's ban on hijabs in state schools to be an offense to muslim civil rights or simply an attempt to impart a little fashion sense to their islamic citizens?

3. if you had to choose between a marine who looked absolutely gorgeous in his uniform but was a little light in the intellect and an air force lieutenant who looked atrocious in baby blue but had a bright future ahead of him in engineering who would you do?

4. if your parents bought you the hot pink lamborghini you've always dreamed about would you be willing to exchange the car for middle east peace?

Help me out here…what questions would you like to ask the ambitious contestants of miss teen usa?


* which, in my experience, is a phrase that serves as either a precursor to a particularly stupid action or a desperate attempt to justify some past sin.

22 comments:

Mike said...

5. Now that your life and your "career" have peaked only in your teens, how do you plan on dealing with the inevitabilly disapointing life of which tomarrow will be the first day of?

Before Girl said...

6. Did your mother push you to do this out of some sort of vicarious desire to see herself in your place?

7. How much do you really weigh?

cade said...

8) would you pull the wings off of a butterfly for $1 million? *

9) which artist in the post-modern genre do you think has had the most influence on the general geo-political climate we see today?



* - cheating. that was an actual question once.

junkyardlove said...

10. So, you're like, super slutty, aren't you?

g13 said...

11. is text messaging in the midst of math class more, less or just as disrespectful as talking?

josh said...

12) who do you like better christina aguilera or paris hilton?

13) what is the over/under on britney spears posters that you've owned? and/or backstreet boy dolls?

14) do you know of any good household remedies for cellulite?

15) beer from germany or holland? what's your favorite?

cade said...

16) when was your last "LOL" moment and how did it affect you?

Anonymous said...

I just found Jack Cottrell's question:

17. Will the unimmersed go to heaven?

(K. Clark)

ahbahsean said...

18) Last winter did you take a Christmas break or a Holiday break?

19) In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Tell us, how did his "discovery" of the Americas then affect your current outlook on Native Americans?

20) Who has the best chance of getting into heaven: a catholic or a hooker?

g13 said...

21) if you "trashed" your way to the tiara with one of our respected judges, who would be more disappointed, your parents or your personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

seth said...

if you threw out looks, power, prestige, and money, would you then go out with me?

g13 said...

seth, you could probably take a stab at your own miss georgia. she's about five years away from liposuction, seven years away from the stomach...

um, ok. i'm going to stop there before all holy hell breaks out with the ladies. i've already sworn to cade that i'll never watch pageants with women (well, at least those i love), lest the bonds of charity be torn asunder.

Agent B said...

16) when was your last "LOL" moment and how did it affect you?

Mike's comment for #5.

Oh, and I'm not a teen contestant. I just can't come up with anything funny like these.

Before Girl said...

What goes best on cereal? (Hint: it's white, wet and comes from a cow.)

What's 33% of 75?

What kind of shampoo do you use?

Coke or Pepsi?

g13 said...

what makes you more sad: vanessa william's decision to pose for playboy or jean benet's murder?

ahbahsean said...

Do you have any words you'd like to share for those individuals at home on their couches right now eating junk food making fun of you for your so-called lack of brains and anorexia when you know full well that former winners of this competition have gone on to successful careers in modeling, tv, and movie roles, while also having opportunities to marry successful tennis players in the process?

ahbahsean said...

Team Aniston or Team Jolie?

g13 said...

please explain to the viewing public what it means to "climb up on a casting couch."

if you could only appear on one reality show in your early twenties, which one would you pick?

which of today's distinguished judges is a no talent ass clown?

james said...

Would you bone Shania Twain?

brian said...

who would you rather bone? jack nicholson, or meg ryan?

cade said...

meg ryan now? or meg ryan from "when harry met sally?"






ahbahsean- you left out "legenday" and "imcomparable" in your tennis player description.

ahbahsean said...

ooh ooh! gentry, I know the ass clown answer!!