Tuesday, May 09, 2006

rear-entry gentry and kevin smith clark present: the mid-morning time waster

after failing to successfully complete his amazing underwater endeavor, david blaine is desperate to create another scene of extreme deprivation. since “deprivation dave” is currently soliciting creative submissions concerning his next stunt, we would like to challenge him to:

1. try and survive for two whole weeks as an innocent Iraqi citizen.

2. gamble his finances and psychological health by attempting to build a successful budweiser distributorship in salt lake city.

3. survive for six whole months in the rural south without making a single visit to wal-mart.

4. run the Yankees on a $50 million dollar payroll

5. . abstain from masturbating to pictures of anton lavey or david copperfield for one month.

6. make barry bonds' "cream" and "clear" disappear.

7. reunite pink floyd for a world tour...'cause live 8 made us tear up...

8. listen to larry the cable guy, non-stop, for one week. if he can't sack up for that, we’re willing to substitute hanson.

if you have other creative submissions, please know that we are willing to listen.

9 comments:

junkyardlove said...

every time you say/write "rear-entry gentry," i lose my shit.

Before Girl said...

How about David Blaine doing NO lame stunts for a whole year?

Or not being a poser?

ali said...

I have a hard time with "rear-entry gentry", too. Not something I need to be picturing while at work.....or anyplace else, for that matter.

Rick said...

what is with the lowball Hanson comment? Comparing a redneck neanderthal making obvious Nascar jokes to simpleminded Red Staters to a bunch of young men that wrote a goofy pop song when they were 14 years old (what were the rest of the guys doing at 14? masturbating) and have spent the past 6 or 7 years producing interesting rock and roll designed to remove themselves from the conscience of pop radio and 14 year old girls by recording with people like John Popper and Johnny Lang.

Other bands go for the lowest common denominator, not Hanson. They are attempting to reimagine their career and still get shit from people because they wrote goofy songs when they were teenagers.

Allow them to grow up and judge them by their merits today, not yesterday.

I expect better analogies from you Mr. Rear Entry.

-p.s. I know the Hanson comment was to get me riled up and see if I was reading your blog closely.

Anonymous said...

I own up by the fact that it was annoying as shit in 1997 when it came out, and where have they been since? Last I saw they were on one of those VH1 shows defending the lyrics to "MmmBop". So my comparison is based purely on annoyance...

Truth is you can substitute any annoying pop/rock garbage that's "here today and tomorrow is thrown on the fire." Right Said Fred, EMF, Nickelback, 3 Doors Down, Pussycat Dolls...who gives a toss?

Don't take my word for it, take our mutual friend's:

"I have actually come to love Hanson, and I'll tell you why. Because they are gonna crash and burn so hard it's gonna be fucking great!"
--Denis Leary (Lock 'n Load, 1997)

Cheers,
k. smith clark

Taylor Hanson said...

Actually Mr. Smith and Mr. Gentry I guess I should thank you for acknowledging our presence since we have been in the proverbial trash can with yesterday's news.

It is ironic to quote someone like Denis Leary who has crashed and burned and is no longer relevant, unless you call Coors Light commercials relevant.

I can see from your comments you are jealous of our early success on the pop charts. I guess we should have waited until we were in our 20s and strung out on drugs, hating our parents before releasing our first song.

I am sorry that MMMM Bop, written when I was 13, did not meet your specifications for a pop hit. I am sure you are more in tune with such deep classics as "I want to hold your hand," "Satisfaction," and "Help Me Rhonda." I realize our first song was shallow in comparision.

In case you have not known what has happened since we apparently flamed out, I can bring you up to speed. Our second album went gold, with a wonderful video directed by Wierd Al and appearances by many respected musicians that desired to work with us. In fact, critics were pretty much universal in their praise for our 2nd album. Did I mention I was 16 at the time?

Some how they saw through the shallowness of our immaturity to talented songwriting and musicianship that needed seasoning. However, I am sure they know very little about such things.

And you, Mr. Smith are a bastion of maturity and living up to your talent. To think dick jokes, the word fuck said over and over along with necrophilia are anything but Scorecese-like would be improper.

We have also chosen to leave the major label world and release our own music. We realized that we could make good money and have complete freedom because of this. Did you know we are 1 of 3 artists to release an album independently and reach the Top 25? Oh, and the first song reached #2 on the Billboard singles chart?

We are all very rich, due to the fact that we invested our finances in real estate and stocks and did not snort our profits like true artists would.

We chose to be thrown into the fire. We chose to leave the teeny pop world of our own accord.

I will leave you alone to write dirty words on comic books, and your friend Mr. Gentry to sell kitty cat photo albums, inspirational votive candles and Maxine dolls while I count money, have sex with my wife in the middle of the day, play with my beautiful children and jam with blues legends.

Hey, maybe we can attend church together next time you are in Tulsa or we are in some shitty New Jersey suburb.

Zac Hanson said...

I heard some punk ass little shit was slamming my band. You know my brother is quite the sweet guy and held back, but I don't take too kindly to being dissed by preacher boys.

I may have to come up to Boston and stick a drumstick up your ass.

People always said I was the impetuous brother, but the hell with that. And, as for that loser firefighter wannabe Leary, I'll shake up a six pack of his dear Coors Light and give him a Coors enema.

That would be refreshing.

Rick said...

Hey Guys,

I just talked to Kelli and she informed me that K. Smith Clark is a real guy, living in hell (I mean the midwest) and not the overrated Jersey filmmaker.

I will let Taylor know as soon as possible. I don't think he will care though. When I spoke to him regarding this incident during my weekly conference call for Spiritual Direction, he kinda flew off the handle (it seems he used to like Gentry's work, and thinks Kevin Smith is a boob).

Next thing I know he is calling his brothers into the room (Zac was outside with Method Man snorting coke off a supermodel's naked chest and making a couple of Backstreet Boys sing MMMM Bop in spanish for quarters- I hear they fell on hard times).

And, as you may know, Zac is a bit crazy (like Pesci in Goodfellas crazy) and said he was going to fly to Beverly and beat Gentry to death with beanie babies.

I think he is going after Clark next. See you may think they are a bunch of sweet young men, but it is just an image for their fans. They are actually related to the Sicilian Hansoni family (changed their name at Ellis) and don't take kindly to public ridicule.

Thought you would like to know. Sorry if the misunderstanding with Clark's true identity causes any trouble.

p.s. if they come calling, just tell them how much you hated 98 degrees and that you think they have a Pet Sounds in them. Trust me, it will calm everything down.

g13 said...

come on guys! we grew up in the same neighborhood, so there's no need to hate. how about this: when i stop through next december for Christmas we'll grab a beer at the depot, reflect on the summer days we wasted away at big splas and maybe even pop by the old eastland mall, where we used to drop quarters in the iron man: ivan stewart machine and lust over the ladies at hot dog on a stick. sound cool?