my life as a bishop kelley butt pirate
if you know me well, you’re aware that i don’t dance, deplore karaoke and absolutely refuse to dress up for halloween. i don’t hate people who participate in these activities, but have little interest in sharing such experiences. i figure that i make enough of an ass out of myself by constantly interjecting opinions and liberally spewing sarcastic commentary. i don’t need to further offend the world with yet another piss poor rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody.
but, on occasion, i have participated in incredibly foolish, exhibitionist activities such as drunken skinny dipping in the seminary pool and participating in the last ride of the bishop kelley butt pirates. i remember the former experience fondly and do not harbor any regrets. but I count the latter experience was one of the finest of my high school years.
on a warm, may afternoon in the year 1995 i stripped down to BVDs, wrapped a black patch around my left eye, picked up a super soaker filled with various ingredients and mounted my eight year old huffy. in the moments before the raid on sunny, rain soaked bishop kelley campus, i trembled with fear. but when blaine, our swash buckling, g-string swaddled, fearless leader, lifted his sword i eagerly joined in the charge.
over the next five glorious minutes i upended unwitting freshmen as well as their books, was violently dismounted by a burly, neolithic junior and, in a moment of daring and bravado that is still eagerly recounted by the pirates who have followed, completely douched brother richard by skidding my bike and hurtling my body into a full, foul puddle of water. our last ride was so dashing, daring and hopelessly homoerotic that i am finding it hard to reduce it to words.
last night, adrift in a sea of sleep, i recounted our glorious ride. i reflected fondly upon torturing freshman, spraying the school debutantes with my own piss and briefly dethroning brother richard. when i awoke, i was filled with pride concerning the butt pirate’s last ride and felt emboldened to make a fool of myself once again.
but on second thought, maybe not.