musing…

so i’ve really been in the shit lately. occupational angst and transitions in my personal life have left me in a precarious and uncertain place. i’m constantly fumbling with questions such as:

why can’t you find contentment in serving Christ at the SS? is massaging your own ego keeping you from appreciating God’s provision?

what’s keeping you from investing your days in something more meaningful? is education your hindrance or insecurity?
will this wound i received from a former mentor and friend ever heal?

but the question that’s really cooked my noodle is “why don’t you stop trying to build an institution and start truly following Jesus?” of course, this question has led to a host of additional questions about whether my inclination to build a church is really, at some subtle level, an attempt to evade some of the more stringent demands of discipleship. for instance, i find it far easier to sit and muse about the mission of our church and how we can support and share the mission of other churches than i find it to listen carefully to, and thereby love, my difficult co-worker. in addition, i suspect that setting my sights on and sometimes lusting for ministerial success is a means of reducing the exceedingly, abundantly incredible demands of Jesus (“be ye perfect,” anyone?) to a more manageable size.

so that’s where i’m at. i’m not begging for tea and sympathy, much less inquiring for answers. i just wanted to let you know where i’m at.