Wednesday, December 28, 2005

memorandum from captain random:

8:34 a.m. - this past weekend, while watching the Godfather I & II for the umpteenth time (III never happened), i realized why i love these movies so much. i share the same insular, overprotective tendencies towards mia familia. this tendency has led me to alienate a number of my beloved cousin's potential suitors from the family by gently, yet firmly, telling them that "you will never be a part of this family." moreover, i am utterly reticent to invite anyone i do not trust over to the family compound and have threatened others with enforced foreign exile. i would say that these tendencies have weakened over the years, but the opposite would be nearer to the truth. so you cafones better walk carefully in regards to the family.

9:55 a.m. - the cardinals began the offseason by looking for a top tier starter, a corner outfielder with a power bat, a right-handed set-up man, a situational lefty and an adequate second baseman. however, as we stand on the verge of january here’s how things have crapped out.

starting pitcher: we lost a bidding war for a.j. burnett, which i was quite alright with until we decided to recall sidney ponson from the maryland penal league. now, instead of having a flamethrowing, albeit it severely overpaid, top of the rotation starter we have a un-anorexic, alcoholic #5 starter who will follow a whiny little mediocre bitch of a #4 starter in our rotation.

corner outfielder: we lost out on giles, who apparently likes the san diego sun more than winning and our cheap-arse, revenue rich, slimy republican owners are unwilling to take on the payroll that an edmonds for ramirez swap would require. thus, we should have simply resigned reggie sanders for two years at five million per and waited to pick another corner outfielder out of the mid-season swag bag. instead, we signed juan encarnacion for a longer contract and more money than it would have cost us to retain reggie (who we let go to the royals!) and are going to settle with a barely adequate platoon of a taguchi and j. rod in left field. although the encarnacion signing looks adequate if you consider his numbers from last year, chances are excellent that he’s going to suffer a serious reversion to the mean this season and, horror of horrors, make us wish we had tino martinez playing right field by seasons end.

right hand set up man: we let the crazy, but effective, tavarez go and replaced him with an overpaid, injury prone, ex-castoff braden looper. did i mention that looper gives up more HRs than almost any reliever in the league? this deal made little sense.

lefty specialist: we swapped mediocrity for mediocrity by replacing ray “burger” king with ricardo Rincon.

second base: we let grudz()*&*&^k go to the royals because we were not willing to pay him an extra million a year. instead we are going to let AAA quality luna to serve as our anchor 5 - 6 days a week. i’m just guessing here, but i’d bet that we have five middle infielders in AA or AAA that could serve just as effectively as luna.

i know that jocketty has fielded a quality team time and again and i think that he is biding his time to see what trade bait is dangled around the all-star break. however, i fail to see why our owners, who turned a fat profit off of last year’s sentimentality-fueled revenue stream and are going to make millions more off of busch III this year, have decided to run the cardinals like a mid-market team. As I’ve said before, the cardinals are an aging team whose window to win is quickly closing. we can’t expect players like ponson, luna and encarnacion to lead us to a title.

the only upside to all of this is that the cubs have had yet another incredibly futile off-season. their deals for howry and eyre made little to no sense and they are now on the verge of trading mark prior, who at 25 has one of the best arms in the game, for an aging, and perhaps steroid depleted, shortstop. let us pray that hendry and his henchmen make the latter trade.

11:44 a.m. – after years of pleading and haranguing, God has finally provided lightway with a writer’s review for his most critically acclaimed work: the Bible. here’s a couple of quotes to whet your appetite.

question: “tell us something about yourself.”

i have been around foreve and a day. I love talking and listening to people. i will one day
come back and jusge the earth.

question: “how will your readers benefit from this work?”

i hope people will come to faith and start believing in me and that do i desire a relationship with them. i also hope for those who have made a comitment will be strengthened and will go and in my name and share this awesom news with the whole word.

question: “any additional thoughts?”

its a good read, my best bit is when i made the whole world in seven days.

3:18 p.m. - this morning, as kellie and i scurried to get out of the door, i could not find my keys. within three seconds, which is about how long it takes me to search each of my four pockets, i slid into a full out e.o.e.-fit. i rampaged through the house, slamming doors and cursing up a storm, while kellie willfully disengaged herself from my stupidity. losing my keys is one of the rather minute things that can put me on the precipice of the apocalypse. what apocalyptic minutiae do you struggle with? do tell.

4:29 p.m. - salsa shark. call me juvenile, but i still love kevin smith. i'm planning on seeing the passion of the clerks opening weekend. i hope that kevin, my hebrew study buddy, will join me.


AlexPope said...

dude, good post. love reading about the demise of the cardinals. however, the interview with God just about made me laugh out of my chair.

g13 said...

wasn't my interview, dude. god simply submitted a writer's review.

b said...

sidney ponson . . . i just don't have a freaking clue where that move came from. it's an awful acquisition . . . i have no other words. simply speechless.

g13 said...

if he loses weight, maintains velocity and learns control, he could make a passable #5 starter (esp. at 1.5 mil per). however, if TLR and Dunc use him as an excuse to keep reyes from the line-up (which they are known to do with young pitchers, i am going to have a e.o.e.-fit).