longing to be stoic, yet so damn emotive
i have no desire to be tossed this way and that by every wave of emotion. but, in all honesty, i usually am. while this realization is nothing new, it is usually something i am able to suppress. but not today.
earlier this week, the only other home church in our network decided to officially disband. our personal relationship with the remarkable families and individuals in this church will continue, but their church will cease to exist.
thus, the network formerly known as 'city on a hill' will cease to exist. sinners and saints is on its own and it feels like we're performing on a trapeze and preparing to fly without a net. henri, at this point i would love to say that i am fully trusting the catcher, but it is far more accurate to say that i am filled with fear.
i am afraid that i am unable to lead a home church, much less create a new network.
i feel like at some point i stopped walking with you and started to work for you. hence, i hardly have the character that befits an elder.
i realize that you can, but fail to believe that you will, transform the dying seed that was 'city on a hill' into an organism that is glossy with new life.
yet, with trembling hands i receive the new task you have set before me. fill me with your Spirit, so that i might participate in, and help guide, a community that is engaged in your mission. once again, i ask you to bring life out of death and to call something that is not as though it were. Lord, i really don't want to fuck this up. help me, help me, help me.