easier to proclaim than apply

'so what, so what, so what…' I can hear dr. sackett asking in his gruff, staccato voice. usually when that sound bite plays in the hidden recesses, i am trying to develop an appropriate conclusion to a teaching, but this time, i am trying to convince myself that the truth of the story applies to my own life.

yesterday i had the privilege of preaching at a little american baptist church in allston, ma (for you former week of e'ers and other sundry travelers, that's just about 3 minutes from harvard square). the sermon was the second installment of a series on the parable of the prodigal son. unsurprisingly, each sermon speaks from the perspective of one of the three main characters. the last sermon was a first person narrative that spoke from the perspective of the elder brother and yesterday's sermon spoke from the perspective of the prodigal. when I looked at the story from the perspective of the prodigal, i realized that we are called to practice the discipline of returning. by returning I am not speaking merely of one-time, cataclysmic, crack whore to Christ conversions, but also of the regular process of realizing who we are as children of God, repenting of who we were when we tried to masquerade as children of the dusk instead of children of the day and fully receiving the love of God.

i will, mercifully, refrain from sharing the entire content of the sermon, but will confess that after pounding on the first step of returning so strongly, i had a really difficult time believing it. the reasons for my doubt are trivial, but far from impotent. due to a simple scheduling mistake i arrived at the church just as at the moment that I was expected to preach. my unexpected tardiness left me completely out of sync, as well as flush red in the face, and the sermon never did recover. thus, the sermon that was pent up in my bones went largely unexpressed and for the rest of the day I moped around, struggling to believe that I am indeed a son of God. when such doubts about my identity arise, i usually repeat God's affirmation to Christ at his baptism, 'you are my Son, with whom I am well pleased,' figuring that if I am truly a member of Christ's body the affirmation applies directly to me (and probably you as well). but after the sermon, i didn't want to believe it. i doubted my sonship because i failed to preach effectively and i questioned my salvation out of fear that a dilettante like myself isn't worth it.

of course, therein lies the problem. on four out of ten days I don't believe that i am saved by the grace of God, but rather by my ability to effectively lead the body, faithfully submit myself to the lordship of Christ and fully utilize the 'gifts' that have been given me. so i stay in the far country because i do not believe that God is willing or able to transform this rebel into a son. i am much more receptive to the internal voice of self-rejection than i am to the voice that calls me beloved.

perhaps the reason the sermon didn't connect with the congregation is because it first had to be applied to the heart of the prodigal pastor. my prayer is by and through God's grace I will eventually realize who I am, so that I can finally be who He has created me to be. furthermore, i pray that all of us will learn to practice the discipline of returning.