et tu? brute?

so there i am, enjoying a relaxing evening with the pixie. run completed, a soft rain falling outside, relatively subdued bitch at my feet and academy award winner in the dvd player. then, right in the midst of my middle class bliss, my ass explodes.

she food poisoned me. photographic evidence to follow...

musing...

"our world has more and more need of 'intermediate communities -- places where young people can stay and find certain inner freedom before they make their (vocational) decision" (vanier, community and growth, pg. 61-62).

"it is in these intermediate communities where they find also meaningful work, that they will be able to shed some of the fears that weigh them down and prevent them from discovering their deep selves. it is only when they discover that they are loved by God and by others, and that they can do beautiful things for others, that they begin to get in touch with what is deepest in them" (ibid, 62).

"for a community to play this 'intermediate' role, it must have a core of people who are really rooted there" (ibid).

while talking with jon wise yesterday i made a comment about our community's upcoming conversion to sinners and saints 3.0. although our church is only two and a half years old, we have already had two distinct groups of people who have journeyed with us, moved on to other locales (where a number of them have done spectacular Kingdom work) and have been quickly replaced. with the kuzmic's dispersion on the immediate horizon and the blessed introduction of the townsends and leanne to our community, we find ourselves in the midst of transition yet again.

however, this time i do not feel the need to brace for the change nor am i dreading this upcoming conversion. although i am not looking forward to sending the kuzmic's (and with them our entire "children's ministry") out to southern california, i am beginning to realize that this is the nature of our community. at this point in our development sinners and saints attracts primarily young adults who are in the process of discovering who they are, being equipped for the work they are being called to do and orienting themselves to God's vocational call upon their lives. as a community we can either bemoan the loss and regular transition that characterizes our ministry or we can welcome the wayfarers that the Spirit leads to our door; provide a warm, yet challenging environment in which they can continue to become the people God has called them to be; and, eventually, send them out to be incarnations of the gospel and Christ's compassion to the ends of the earth.

sinners and saints is undoubtedly one of the intermediate communities that vanier is talking about. i pray that we will effectively discern the nature of our community, continue to develop and deepen our core of people who are committed to this work and effectively fulfill our little role in God's gracious and ever expanding Kingdom.

brushback pitches

last night, while watching the cardinals pick apart the red sox one single at a time, a few semi-coherent baseball thoughts flitted through my mind. since such thoughts issued forth from a quarter of a bottle of wine fog i planned to keep them to myself, but, since michael of tennessee asked for it, here they are.

• after the cardinals game i flipped over to the dodgers/tigers game and was caught off guard by the quality of vin scully's commentary. vin has been with the dodgers since brooklyn, understands the visible nuances of the game like few others and, since he calls the game by himself, avoids the mind numbing banter that characterizes most broadcasting pairs. is there any reason, other than possible age discrimination, that fox chose mccarver/buck to anchor their national broadcasts? is there a more competent broadcaster in the game than scully? can we convince congress to provide an exception to the cloning legislation so that we can produce about 29 replicas of scully? i need answers...


• to those few thousand, probably imported, idiots who booed renteria at the start of the cardinals game last night: piss off. if we had overpaid renteria we would likely be without the mulder/grudzilanek/eckstein trifecta that has paid such great dividends. show the man some frickin' respect.


• to pastor rick: they are still not as good as they seem, but they are getting stronger. if hampton's injury persists and the marlins continue to struggle we may be able to hoist another banner at busch.


• i'm not the prophet, nor the son of a prophet, but i will make this prediction. suppan will get shellacked tonight and carpenter will win the rubber game on wednesday.


• that last part reminds me of my favorite topps trivia question ever: "How long is the pitcher's rubber? 24 inches." from what i heard, the writer of that question was immediately fired by topps. however, he eventually righted himself by penning a certain, highly acclaimed screen play for paul thomas anderson.


• although i hate to admit it, derek lee deserves to start the all-star game at 1st base. pujols will get the votes, but lee deserves the start. how's that for (painful) objectivity?


• did the last minute, pre-draft signings of weaver and drew signal the beginning of the end for boras? i sure hope so.


• looks like i was wrong about the As and the White Sox. sue me.


• concerning the DL....so sorry to hear about b. roberts and c. barmes and still savoring the announcements about prior and j. gonzalez.


• last night the red sox announcers were whining about the unfair advantage national league teams have when playing interleague games in their own park. save it. the american league and players association can celebrate the lady's aide all they want, but the senior league will continue to eschew it.


• does anyone care that a-rod is utilizing psychotherapy to help him come to grips with his latent homosexuality? i didn't think so.


• funniest announcer bio i've heard thus far: last night scully mentioned that j. bonderman was a member of 4-H during childhood. i wonder if bonderman's widely reported illiteracy reflects poorly on the organization.

okay, i feel kind of bad about the last comment, but probably not bad enough to delete it. perhaps pangs of conscience will strike later. it's not as heartless as my plans for u.s. population reduction or anything...

as always, i welcome your thoughts and opinions. mike of tennessee, i hope this makes you happy.

overheard: excerpts from jean vanier's community and growth

• "envy is one of the plagues that destroys community. it comes from people’s ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts. if we were confident in our own gift, we would not envy that of others."


• "a community is only truly a body when the majority of its members is making the transition from 'the community for myself' to 'myself for the community,' when each person's heart is opening to all the others, without any exception. this is the movement from egotism to love, from death to resurrection; it is the Easter, a passage, a passover of the Lord. it is also the passing from a land of slavery to a promised land, the land of inner freedom."


• "to love, we must die continually to our own ideas, our own susceptibilities and our own comfort. the path of love is woven of sacrifice."


• a community is not simply a group of people who live together and love each other. it is a place of resurrection, a current of life: one heart, one soul, one spirit."

overheard

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions."

~Rainer Maria Rilke

reasons I am not a youth minister

this morning I spent a few moments over at becky.bear’s blog. becky was one of the early members of s & s. she recently moved onto seattle, where she is pursuing yet another master’s degree, creating a micro art collaborative and creating Christian community among seattle’s sonic youth. i love to taunt becky about her sixteen inch shoes and rockabilly style, but i have only the deepest respect for her character, ability and heart for God. anyway, while i was reading about her attempts to create a vbs according to brian mclaren, i began to think about why i am not a youth minister. as you might have guessed, this is a long way of introducing yet another list.

reasons i am not a youth minister:

thou shalt not give teenagers swirlys. from what i hear that is one of the first commandments in the youth ministry book. yet, i confess, i have broken it.

thou shalt not put “tweens” in the trunk of a car. yet another commandment that yours truly has shattered.

thou shalt not openly laugh at other youth minister’s admonitions. yet this is how i responded when another youth minister told my kids to trash their secular cds.

thou shalt care if the bean dip shows up at the pool party. but i never gave a shit.

thou shalt not encourage tweens to throw stones at one another. yet i have and do. in fact, one of my afterschool kids received a battle scar yesterday afternoon.

thou shalt utilize a number of non-competitive games. i have blatant disregard for this rule and am more than willing to go “Billy” on a child when you put a four square ball in my hand.

thou shalt do stupid, idiotic tricks for missions' money. so i was never willing to stick my head in a toilet, drink regurgitated soda or finger paint with my own feces in order to send more Bibles to Cambodia…shoot me.

thou shalt utilize hand motions while singing worship songs. i only know one hand motion and most people don’t consider it appropriate for worship.

thou shalt not smoke, drink or openly attend and celebrate Kevin smith movies. guilty, guilty, guilty.

thou shalt not react in a violent way when a teen strikes you in the face. um, i’m pleading the fifth on this one.

thou shalt not tear up jesus tees and use them to wash one’s toilet. yet they had to be put to some use.

thou shalt not "hook up" with one of thy youth sponsors. um, yeah. i had to find some way to encourage her to volunteer. at least i never contemplated connecting with one of the kids.

thus ends today’s edition of uncalled for confessions. if you want to read about a real youth minister in action, check out becky’s blog.

musing...

okay, now that I’ve pissed and moaned a bit too much about work, it’s time to return to my previous question. how does one pursue authentic spirituality? before I say anything more, allow me to confess that the whole time i’ve been writing this, david dark has been haunting my head and reminding me that every time I talk about stuff like God, confession and spirituality i don’t know exactly what i’m talking about. so, rest assured that i offer this with more than a little bit of fear and trembling.

first off, let me confess my ambivalence towards the term authentic. this therapeutic term has been utilized to such a great degree by the church growth movement and mass marketers (yes…sometimes I also wonder if there is a difference) that i question its usefulness. usually when people speak about being “authentic,” they are referring to their desire to share their unguarded thoughts, feelings and emotions with the other. instead of talking about “authentic” spirituality i would be much more willing to talk about “honest” spirituality. when i hear the term authentic i envision people sharing their thoughts and emotions in service of an agenda (such as evangelism or the new cell phone plan they are marketing), but when i hear the term honest, i envision people who are willing to share their most deeply held beliefs without discounting their most deeply held doubts. so let’s exchange the warm and fuzzy therapeutic term for a term that, has some sharper edges and carries a heavier weight of meaning.

second, since i am a Christian, when i talk about spirituality, i am restricting my thoughts to Christian spirituality. this does not mean that other spiritualities are without merit, but simply that i am speaking of that which I know (in part). namely, the spirituality which finds its roots in the Jewish and Christian scriptures, is self-consciously shaped by the life, death and resurrection of Christ, is constantly nourished by stories of the spiritual mothers and fathers who added their verse to the epic story of church history and works itself out within the context of Christian community.

now that the preliminaries are out of the way, i would like to share a few, admittedly provisional, thoughts. for Christians i think a better way to frame this discussion would be to talk about confessional spirituality. by using the term “confessional” i intend to convey two different, yet complimentary things.

one, i am using the term confessional to suggest that as we pursue God along this narrow road of faith that Christ has set for us, we should seek to do so humbly by admitting our manifold failures and fuckups, and generously, by listening to those who are upon other paths and those who walk the same path at a different pace and/or in a different way. my hunch is that all of us, from jean vanier and Eugene Peterson to the freshest convert and most naïve seeker have much more in common with the kindergartener who is “following the leader” than an expert who can hold court on how to follow Christ. as we walk upon this road let us be encouraged by one another’s confession that we don’t know the way we are going nor how we are going to get there. for it is this kind of humble confession that provides solace to our lack of certainty and compels us to put our faith in and follow the leader.

two, i am using the term confessional to suggest that confessional spirituality treasures the historic confessions of the scriptures, such as the Shema in Deut. 6:1-4 and Matt. 16:13, as well as the classic confessions of the Christian faith. I once heard andy crouch, creator of re:generation journal and current columnist for Christiannity Today, define orthodoxy as “being able to say the apostle’s creed without having your fingers crossed behind your back.” i really like that definition. i would also like to add that using the apostle’s or Nicene creed as a basis of confession does not require either that we understand the undulating depths of each doctrine or that we have begun to grasp the height and depth, length and width of the love of God. rather, the confessions simply give us a historically sound precipice off of which we can dive into the life of faith.

okay, that’s enough for now. i would like to nuance my explanation of confession a bit and say what I mean about spirituality, but i (a) doubt my ability to do so and (b) have to get back to work. of course, if you would like to question anything i have said, add further reflections or put forth your own ideas, please feel free to do so. as i’ve said before, all of us are smarter than any of us. i’d love to hear from you.

post scriptum--i haven't had a ton of time to edit this. so i would like to ask the grammar queers for clemency.

talk about a devolution…

my attitude towards work has devolved a bit. although a few weeks ago i was fairly content with my job, i am now tempted to stand on top of my desk, pull the “f*ck you, f*ck you, you’re cool, f*ck you, I’m out” scene out of my ass and collect unemployment.

my therapist said that jotting down a list of reasons to remain at lifeway would be beneficial. so, here are my reasons (in no specific order):

i should remain in my position at lifeway because:

1. that long awaited bruce wilkinson interview is always just over the horizon.

2. the employee appreciation gifts are priceless (the “magic” jar opener, family umbrella and TogetherEveryoneAccomplishesMore chocolate bar were particularly precious).

3. i've heard that other offices frown on intermittent profanity.

4. i love the 3 unpaid saturdays that i work every year!

5. i could not live without my lifesize cardboard likeness of dr. dobson (and the twinges of lust the aforementioned likeness produces).

6. i would miss conversing with our insightful, discerning shoppers every christmas season (e-i-e-i-fucking-o!).

7. from all appearances the receptionist really, really likes me.

8. i do not want a drunken monkey to replace me.

9. i do not value original thought.

10. i would miss the provocative questions that characterize our monthly meetings.

11. lobotomies are covered in the employee health plan.

12. wal-mart won’t hire me and orange julius won’t let me return.

phew, i feel better. perhaps a little break from my meaningless work was all that i needed!

musing…

for a number of years i believed that substantial training must precede one’s immersion in Christian mission. for this reason, i tried to provide the students and young adults in the ministries that i led with the opportunity to develop the interpretive skills and spiritual disciplines they would need in order to fully participate in the church’s mission of embodied proclamation and compassion. recently a number of things, including the visit of a Haitian missionary to s & s as well as deeper reflection on previous ministry experience, has led me to believe that my assumption (which I think is shared by most Christian education programs and, to a lesser extent, christian institutions of “higher learning”) was at least partially incorrect (if not woefully inept). i am now beginning to realize that the skills and disciplines i sought to teach are more likely to develop in the midst of mission than they are to precede mission. it is the mission of God, not the desire for abstract knowledge or the need to complete a checklist of required qualifications, that compels us to seek His presence through prayer and learn to listen more effectively to His Word. i realize this stuff is probably old hat to many of you, but it has been difficult for me to grasp.

moving forward…

on sunday, june 5 I will be participating in a panel discussion at The Gathering in Salem. the topic for the evening is “pursuing authentic spirituality.” since i am a big believer that “all of us is smarter than any of us,” and somewhat desperate for talking points, i would like to hear what you have to say about this matter. how would you define “authentic spirituality?” what are some of the characteristics of authentic spirituality? how can we contrast “authentic spirituality” with inauthentic and/or hypocritical religious practice? do you question the value of the term authentic in regards to the practice of spirituality? are there any examples of authentic spirituality (i.e., books, music, movies, mentors) that you find particularly intriguing?

if you have any thoughts on this matter, please feel free to post in my comments or email me directly at jeffkelliegentry@yahoo.com. i already have thought through this matter a bit, so i am not completely void of talking points, but i would really like to hear what you have to say. i would love to hear the perspectives of those who do not profess Christ and would be encouraged to hear from lurkers as well. thanks for your help!

happy haiku friday!

circle 'round kiddos

learn how to market our Lord

watch out for the whip

memorandum from captain random

• in the midst of our afternoon walk, dizzy shit in front of her favorite convent. i was not surprised to find foreign objects in her excrement. foreign objects that i have found thus far: pieces of electrical cord, splinters of wood, remnants of my 180 earmuffs, fragments of richard russo's nobody's fool, and tassels from the red and black blanket that becky made us. of all the foreign objects, the tassels are my favorite, since they tend to suspend pieces of her shit and that makes for quite a show.


• kellie and i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again on sunday night. the more i watch and reflect on this film, the more i appreciate it. i love how the story is able to raise metaphysical questions (i.e., the possibility of determinism, the possibility of providence) without ignoring the blundering beauty of the humanity (note the themes of forgiveness, self-awareness and reconciliation). if our preaching, teaching and creating could evidence such a skillful balance of "vertical" and "horizontal" issues, our communities would undoubtedly benefit.


• i decided to surprise a friend by buying two tickets to the upcoming folds/wainright tour for his birthday. the tickets set me back $95. i thought the tickets were a bit overpriced at $35, but it was ticketmasters' $8.50 surcharge per seat that really pissed me off. if folds doesn't score the second, substantially longer set, i am going to bolt. mark, you know i love you if i am willing not only to deal with rufus and his puffy shirt wearing, poof ass, but also pay for the tickets.


• warning: the cardinals are not as spectacular as they appear. their pitching has been mediocre and will have to improve if they are going to make a run in october.


• in better news, gordon edes of the globe reported that the cubs are seriously considering firing dusty baker and replacing him with grady little. this cardinal fan is praying that this will indeed happen and is going to bed with dreams of brock for broglio dancing in his head.


• from the wtf files: after listening to the order of the phoenix on audiobook and reading the first half of the goblet of fire i have become a harry potter fan. i will undoubtedly buy the next book and cannot wait for the movie version of goblet.


• i read an article by john macarthur on crosswalk.com yesterday that sent me up the wall. i was simply shocked by how much my understanding of salvation and judgment differ from his. if you want to read the article, and try to figure out which parts pissed me off, you can find it here.

musing...

early sunday morning we filled our cylinders with coffee and slowly made our way to the beach. on the way she spoke of her divorce, emphasizing both the causes and consequences in manner that was both concise and heartfelt. after listening to her story for twenty minutes or so i felt compelled to play the pastor by offering advice, suggesting a solution or pointing out the first rays of resolution. fortunately, i resisted the compulsion. instead, i simply noted that it seems to me learning to suffer well is the mark of maturity.

sunday evening, while lazily watching television with the pixie, i walked through the conversation once again. as the frames flew through my mind i thanked God for enabling me to resist my compulsion and openly wondered whether my description of maturity was too simplistic. after thinking about it a bit, i think the latter is true. maturity, it seems to me, is not only marked by the ability to suffer, but is also marked by the ability to appreciate the humor of our upended expectations as well as the ability to snatch a thread of hope out of the hands of despair.

thinking back to the setting of our conversation i was reminded of a scene in the wizard's tide by uncle freddy. near the end of the novel, the little boy, who serves as the protagonist, and his grandmother are walking along the long island shore. the boy is overwhelmed by the destructive capability of the ocean, its ability to swallow you whole, produce tidal waves that destroy homes and, in an instant, sink ships. while not ignoring the truth of the boy's thoughts the grandmother tells him that waves of life, terrible and turbulent as they may be, are carrying us towards the shore. surely it takes great faith to believe that the waves of pain and suffering, as well as the more welcome waves of joy and the spray of silliness, are carrying us towards the far shore. but that is the kind of faith i strive for. i hope and pray it is the kind of faith you are striving for as well.

busted balls and broken dreams

they had been waiting for twenty-seven minutes for his father to show up. the afterschool program is over at 6 p.m. on wednesdays, but his father wasn't there to pick him up. it was not a surprise. daddy had forgotten before.

for the first twelve minutes of their extended time together, the tutor and the boy threw a bouncy ball at each other. the tutor was trying to help the boy develop soft hands so that he would become a better second baseman. the boy was trying to throw the ball in the street in hopes that the tutor would curse, scamper into traffic and perhaps get killed. no such luck. the tutor has soft hands.

at 6.13 p.m. the tutor handed the boy his cell phone and instructed him to call his father. his father immediately answered and said he would arrive in "two seconds." no problem, the tutor thought, the father only lives three blocks away. so the tutor and the boy went to the front of the parking lot and waited.

and waited. around 6.25 p.m. the father had still failed to materialize and the tutor knew that he was going to be late for dinner with an old friend. this pissed him off. aware of the tension, the boy started to chatter with the tutor. while chattering the boy slung his keys, which were attached to a curly, elastic cord, around his body. "whap" the keys slapped against the boy's thigh, while he told the tutor how crazy his dad is. "whap" the keys hit the opposite thigh while the boy made fun of the tutor for fretting about his dinner date. "slap," the keys resounded as they slapped the little boy's genitals. "ooooh, ah ha ha," the boy said. "that hurt." ever the educator, the tutor suggested that in order to protect himself from future damage he might want to stop swinging the keys. but the boy just smiled and continued: "whap, slap, slap, whap, whap, slap, slap." after smacking himself in the genitals five times the boy doubled over in pain and stopped slinging the keys.

but, by that point, the damage was already done. the boy's balls were sore, the tutor's ideals were shattered and they were both far less sanguine about the future of humanity.

overheard

“boys and girls in america have such a sad time together. sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. not courting talk, real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment precious.” ~jack kerouac, on the road

"there is one word in america that says it all, and that one word is, 'you never know.'" ~joaquin andujar, pitcher and bodhisattva

“all that has been said but multiplies the avenues to what remains to be said.” ~herman melville as quoted by david dark in his superb book the gospel according to america

”you can’t say you never had a doubt, and smoked it down, but really wanted out.” ~ben folds, you to thank

happy anniversary to me

today is the anniversary of: brown v. board of education, the first gay marriage ceremony performed in the commonwealth of massachusetts and this blog. as i mentioned to kellie only moments ago, the one-year mark provides a good opportunity to reflect upon the good, the bad and the ugly of this blog and to dream a bit about what it could be. here goes...

the good

• much to my surprise, this blog has been a wonderful instrument of reconciliation. over the past year i have discovered the overwhelming beauty of people i once despised jamie, i'm staring through glassy eyes at you), received forgiveness for past offences (including: smashed worms, studied indifference and unchecked pride) and have regularly been reconnected with people whom i thought had long forgotten me. an illustration of the latter component. a week or so ago i heard from scott ellis, a high school classmate, sublime center fielder, parochial school teacher and all-around good guy. before i heard from scotty i hadn't spoken to or seen someone from bishop kelley high for eight years. simply hearing his (virtual) voice again reminded me that there is no ground, however badly burned and thoroughly salted, that is completely inhospitable to new life. scott's email was more than a friendly invitation to a ten-year reunion. it was a sacrament.


• the process of writing on a daily basis has shown me that i can indeed conjugate a verb, shape a metaphor and deliver a joke. granted, my pronunciation still sucks, but i can use a keyboard to communicate a bit of the goodness, beauty and truth of life to others. because of this another whisper of inadequacy has been silenced and i am beginning to find my "voice." thanks be to God!


• related to latter assertion, i have also found the courage to put a few brushback pitches down on paper. this probably seems irrelevant to you, but for someone who is in awe of, and cowers before, the likes of bill james, buster olney and "the commissioner" peter gammons, this is big.


• the blog has helped me to move from hostility to hospitality. i have found that in the midst of solitude, a practice that is essential to my spiritual life, it is easy to pass judgment on others and establish barriers to community. the blog forces me out of the silence of solitude and into the dialogue of the greater community. the call and response cadence of this dialogue has broadened my understanding of humanity, deepened my compassion for others and driven me back to solitude (where i can continue to become the prayerful, subversive servant that God has called me to be).


• the blog has also enabled me to continue to communicate with, learn from and serve those who are now a part of the city on a hill diaspora.


• in the next year i would like to post a few more pictures of our beautiful, quirky little city, my friends and family (including dizzy) and other miscellaneous subjects. of course, this will require purchasing a camera and actually caring it with me...so don't get your hopes up.

the bad

• my political posts. i am a hyper-opinionated person with strong political persuasions. thus i was not surprised that political propaganda found its way into my posts. however, i was surprised to discover was how much heat and little light emanated from such posts. at this point i simply do not know how valuable it is for a pastor to engage him or herself in sustained, partisan debate. i am not saying that politics has no part to play in my life, but i do not know how to integrate my perspectives on national affairs with my participation in the ongoing subversion that is the Kingdom of God. i cannot promise that you will never hear my political perspectives on this page again, but i can promise that such posts will be marked by a more measured, provisional and generous tone.


• my comments. i cannot tell you how many times i have dropped a crass, unloving or ill-considered comment on someone else's blog. i usually delete these comments as soon as they, in all their published glory, are staring me in the face, but still... over the course of the next year, i want to be as careful about my comments as i am about my posts. as a side note, this lament does not extend to anything i have posted on jon wise's blog. in those comments i have not attacked the session or impugned anyone's character. i have simply tried to defend someone i know well and love more than most.


• too many of my recent posts could be filed under the title of "mental masturbation." while i think a number of these posts are funny and provocative, they don't require much creativity or thought on my part. expect, and demand if necessary, more substantial posts from me.

the ugly:

• the shot of my ass that sat front and center for a day and a half. i'll admit that it was ugly, but will not apologize.

of course, if you have any reflections on the last year, thoughts about this post, or hopes for the year to come, feel free to share.

memorandum from captain random

• every time i hear the twang in john hiatt's voice i realize that the "ole acorn doesn't fall far from the tree." i think that my penchant for folk music is simply a sophisticated expression of my boyhood love of country music. that being said, every time i hear someone talk about new country (read: shania twain, rascal flatts and toby keith) i am tempted to throw the country A-K rack out in the street and go work for a virgin megastore.


• i recently received confirmation from the seminary that they had waived my immunization requirements due to my "stated religious objections." i never registered an objection, but do have a friend who works in the registration department. it pays to have friends in high places


• i've been reading a church growth book by thom rainer and actually enjoying it. shhh! don't tell any of my emergent friends.


• you know you're getting old when an unexpected office meeting makes you doubt your ability to pay the mortgage.


• memo to mr. pearass: you know you are loved when Gentry agrees to accompany you to a rufus wainright show. the aforementioned upright, integrous citizen cannot believe he is going to subject himself to such excesses of cruising, camp and cheese.


• memo to mr. folds: Gentry expects you to make aforementioned evening worthwhile.


• memo to self: keep saying "aforementioned." it makes you sound sophisticated


• that is all. i must now return to the pimp-driven life

please note: the aforementioned post was brought to you by the good folks at LifeWay Christian Stores. the opinions, language and sexual innuendo included within are not endorsed by LifeWay, but are the sole intellectual property of Mr. Gentry.

thursday afternoon, 2:11 p.m.

heart rent
hands shaking
head spinning
and feet cold

against better instinct
i light up and lean on a crutch

is this what it feels like when you speak?
am i reacting to a screaming conscience or a still, small voice?

i not only need the Holy Spirit.
i also need a new hermeneutic.

musing about Lk. 4:14-30

the gospel is not merely a proposition we need to believe. it is also a reversal and release that we need to experience. after being immersed in evangelical theology for eight years i can effectively explain, apply and illustrate the truth of substitutionary atonement. however, as the years fly by i am beginning to realize that this proposition is only a door that leads us into a deeper experience of salvation.

i could not believe the gospel if i had not descended through the depths of depression (and the substance abuse, self-loathing and catatonic nights at a 24 hour, hopper inspired diners that accompanied it) only to find the broken Christ at the bottom. it is this Christ, the utterly forsaken, yet full of faith, that led me to believe that the abyss is not the end.

moreover, i suspect that Christ commanded the seventy times seven because he knew that we needed to extend as well as receive the release of the gospel. perhaps it is not until we have proclaimed release to the prisoners of our expectations and unshackled others from their onerous obligations that we can fully enter into the year of the Lord's favor.

my prayer for you, dear reader, does not differ from my personal petition. i pray that we will fully experience the reversal and release that is offered to us in Jesus Christ. God help us if we settle for a proposition when we can fully experience the year of the Lord's favor.

can anything good come out of west virginia?

"described by his attorney as a white-haired businessman in his mid-50s, christ is moving to west virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle. he bought property near lost river, about 100 miles west of washington, and has a u.s. passport, social security card and washington driver's license bearing the name jesus christ."

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brushback extra: an in-game running diary

the diz is asleep on the couch, kellie has cashed out for the night and alex is drinking bud light and hanging out with his townie team buddies. that leaves me here all alone, watching the cardinals and the dodgers. so i thought i'd thrash up a little brushback extra.

9:20 p.m. the cardinals are up 1-0 due to a first inning pujols homer and an altogether admirable performance by mulder. how am i able to watch this regional presentation on FSN st. louis you ask? because my grandfather surprised me with the extra innings baseball package for mother's day. or maybe it was simply on mother's day. who knows? whatever the reason, i am grateful!

9:26 p.m. danny haren is 1-5 and mulder is pitching like an ace. maybe jocketty did know what he was doing...and maybe i'm changing my official position on the barton/haren/calero for mulder trade again.

9:26 p.m. danny haren is 1-5 and mulder is pitching like an ace. maybe jocketty did know what he was doing...and maybe i'm changing my official position on the barton/haren/calero for mulder trade again.

9:31 p.m. considering how well youkilis has been playing as well as how poorly bellhorn has performed, you have to wonder why francona doesn’t slot mueller at 2nd and ‘youk’ at 3rd more often. the sox would definitely increase their number of productive outs that way.

9:34 p.m. mulder just gave up a double. that wouldn’t have been a problem if he hadn’t walked the #7 to open the inning. @@#$@#$!!! walks and errors. i know all about the former, since i was BB king during my days on the mound. 1-1 knot.

the cards have been on the cusp of putting up a crooked number all night. if they don’t get some runs on the board soon, they’re going to let this game get away from them.

9:42 p.m. eckstein and grudzilanek just set the table for pujols. let’s see what happens…I think they are “unintentionally” walking pujols again. that’s going to continue to happen until edmonds and rolen start swingin’ the lumber. i was wrong. they pitched to him and albert hit a three run homer, his second of the night. you should have seen the at bat, he tried to slash the ball the other way and missed by inches, then he tried to pull it down the third base line and missed by inches, and he finished with a flourish by driving a pitch over the left-center power alley. with this guy every AB is a clinic. 4-1 cardinals.

9:58 p.m. a bit earlier joe buck made a self-depreciating comment about how many negative emails he receives every game. it appears that not everyone adores him. much to my dismay, i am on the verge of identifying myself with this disgruntled group. let me begin by saying that i do not expect joe to be jack. just as the missouri will never measure up to the mississippi and eckstein will never measure up to renteria, joe will never measure up to jack. the latter was an icon, the vanquisher of that clown caray and the suggestive whisper of the midwestern ether for fifty years. however, i do expect joe to develop a voice of his own. if, failing to find his voice, he chooses to imitate (as most of us do), he should follow in the footsteps of his father instead of those of tim mccarver and budweiser’s head of advertising. he’s better than that yankee ass-kisser and much better than “slama-lama-ding-dong.” refine your voice, joe, and be your own man. and, in the end, you might reflect favorably on your father’s legacy.

10:16 p.m. nancy drew didn’t feel up to playing tonight. what a surprise! In more serious news, mulder has runners on first and second and two outs. this will probably be the crucial batter of the game. especially since crackhead Bradley is on-deck. mulder struck out repko on a borderline pitch (a number the calls tonight have been shaaady) to end the threat. crisis averted.

10:27 p.m. there is no doubt that the white sox are red hot. but i still think that the twins will take the division. the twinkies are just too deep. on another note, if tavarez is not the second coming of joaquin andujar i don’t know who is.

10:35 p.m. after a rolen error (his second of the night!) there are runners on first and second and one out. another crucial situation…that could lead to a tavarez meltdown. we’ll see. side note: rolen looks as lost in the field as he is at the plate.

10:36 p.m. tavarez induces a ground ball. two outs. with runners on first and third la russa brings in ray “burger” king. we aren’t out of the woods yet.

10:40 p.m. shit. burger let “double play” ledee have it his way and it is now 4-2.

10:41 p.m. burger induces the f-7 and we’re through 7½.

10:45 p.m. pujols takes a pitch under the chin and continues his perfect night with a walk. Pujols didn’t like the chin music, however, so expect one of the dodgers to get a little of the same either tonight or tomorrow. Speaking of which, bissinger provides an interesting view into la russa’s reluctant decisions to bean or not to bean opposing players in 3 nights in august. i just finished the latter work this afternoon and have to give it a b-minus. there is very little innovative or original baseball thought in the book, but the prose is above average and i enjoyed reading about la russa (who will henceforth be known as TLR).

10:59 a.m. the cards just pissed away a first and second, no out scenario. Hope that it doesn’t come back to bite them.

11:09 p.m. though it wasn’t particularly pretty, burger has secured two outs in the ninth and left only a single runner on first. now it’s up to reyes to finish things up. of course, bradley is up. nothing ever comes easy.

11:13 p.m. reyes made bradley look silly and the cardinals are 20-11. this wanna-be sports blogger is going to bed. i’m too old for this shit.