Tuesday, October 16, 2007

memorandum from captain random:

while i'm witnessing the deconstruction of the sox - which i prophesied before the series began - i thought i'd bore you with a few divergent thoughts.

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every time i as i watch crafty veterans like eddie "vagasil" harris, uh, i mean paul byrd, pitch or manny ramirez hit, it reminds me how important it is for baseball players to replicate their mechanics. pitchers like byrd, maddux or glavine* succeed because they are able to replicate their mechanics on a consistent basis. often one minor adjustment in such mechanics can alter or end a pitcher's career. the latter happened to dizzy dean I when he slightly altered his mechanics to compensate for a broken big toe and consequently shredded his shoulder and was traded to the cubs.** where was i going with this??? oh yeah, the older i get, the more i realize that replicating mechanics is not only essential to success in baseball, but also success in life. as i tell my students, if you can show up on-time for every shift, consistently shirk the voice of self-rejection and fin a way to remain positive in the midst of a pissy world you are well on your way to success.

so why don't i practice what i preach? i desperately need to replicate my mechanics in the practice of prayer, blessing those who curse me, loving my enemies and addressing today what i often put off until tomorrow.

are you listening? if so, here's my secret. i woke up last tuesday and decided to root for cleveland. i respect their pitching staff, enjoy watching sizemore and their other young slashers and respect their baseball ops staff.*** but the primary reason i'm joining the tribe is that i'm sick of rooting for the microsoft red sox. the tribe has less than half their payroll, consistently develops the majority of their own talent and refuses to invest in pricey trifles like nancy drew. in short, i'm rooting for cleveland because i'm a class warrior. so eat it, john henry, you stupid cow.****

new nick hornby novel out today, in case you were wondering. i think hornby is one of the most humane authors of our generation. can you dig?

the sox are going to have to lay down another unlikely three spot in order to save their arses from o-blivion. like i said before the series began: cleveland in six.

over at rectangle, i had the opportunity to participate in the training of a new employment specialist today. in the midst of my attempts to show him the cold calling ropes, share a few of my schemes and circumvent the colleague dramedies i remembered how fortunate i am to have a job i love. of course, i'll probably, eventually, screw myself by exchanging the job for a half-baked dream of a pastoral ministry, but right now
I am at home with the me. I am rooted in the me who is on this adventure.

this saturday our church is renting out our meeting space to a wine, ale and mead festival. since i have the keys to that particular kingdom that means free drinks for me. how cool is that?

have you ever had a hysterical auto-erotic story that you'd love to share with the viewing public but are legally constrained from doing so?

yeah, me neither.

people i'd cast for the playoff promos before casting dane d-bag cook: john cusack; tommy lasorda;***** alyssa milano; dennis leary.

pitchmen even dane d-bag cook could trump: chris boom-boom berman; joel osteen; helen keller; anamatronic harry caray.

your candidates?

can i just say that i am enjoying fatherhood even more than i thought i would? our preston is incredibly special.******

fifteen second review of friday night lights, season 2: brilliantly acted, exquisitely shot, had me at howdy and full of ratings ploy plots that will probably kill the show.*******

nancy drew popping up in the bottom of the ninth? unbelievable.

* yes, i realize that regardless of his recent post-season success, byrd does not belong in this company.
** then, as now, such a trade signaled the end of a career.
*** speaking of which, chris antonetti, please.please.please bless the lou with an opportunity to interview and a few years of your young life.
**** unless you decide to return to your roots and rescue the team of your youth from our republican owners. then i'll be happy to eat you or do anything else you desire. think about it johnny...who can resist fleur-de-lis a la gentry.
***** yes, even the dementia addled, depends wearing version.
****** we use the latter adjective when speaking of our son because it is deliberately ambiguous and adequately covers both extremes of the IQ spectrum.
******* i wanted to say "abort the baby" but i can't say that here, can i?

5 comments:

agent wife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Agent B said...

Hysterical masturbation story?

Like walking in on someone?

No.

g13 said...

what? like the back of a volkswagen?

that's the only clue i can give you.

Before Girl said...

You should also know that Douglas Coupland just came out with a new book as well: "The Gum Thief."

Leanne said...

people i'd cast for the playoff promos before casting dane d-bag cook: john cusack; tommy lasorda;***** alyssa milano; dennis leary.

pitchmen even dane d-bag cook could trump: chris boom-boom berman; joel osteen; helen keller; anamatronic harry caray.


Genius.