Monday, July 24, 2006

in praise of:

lately i have been sat on, shat on and ratted on simply because i love miller high life. i’ve taken my high life to parties only to have it used to kill slugs, others have openly questioned my honorable devotion to the old high life, and, worst of all, friends have left cracked open, but only partially drunk, cans of the high life on my kitchen table.

in light of these recent events i have only one thing to say: all of you upper-middle class, organic consuming, whole foods cruising sons a bitches can kiss my golden canned ass.

i’ve heard you talking about your desire to identify with the least while you consume your two dollar bottles of samuel smith pale ale! i’ve listened as you’ve hammered corporations like budweiser and coors, companies that honor our flag and provide good paying union jobs to john q. public, while you’ve languished praise on the products (such as newcastle) of socialist states.

you bourgeoisie bastards can have your micro-brews, cask conditioned ales and your incestuous little papist brews. as for me, i’m going to stick with the ole girl on the moon.


Agent B said...

golden can ass


In honor of your beer of choice, here is one of the only movie quotes I've ever memorized*:

Old drunk: "Where's the Miller High Life? I said where IS the Miller High Life?!?

Korean store owner: "No have. You choose different beer"

Old drunk: "Look here hong kong fooey. I don't care if you're from china, or korea...or WHEREVER THE HELL YOUR FROM. This is AMERICA. And in AMERICA, you don't make a man change his beer"

"Do the Right Thing" (1989)

*ok, not word for word. But something like that. It's been 15 years or so...

Mike said...

Jeff you are always welcome to drink your MHL at my house. There is always a six or a twelve stocked in our fridge. I don't know if it is the long necked bottles or the twist off top, or the blue collar nature of my work but that stuff is heaven.

it truly is the champagne of beers. i have no problem stocking it in our fridge along side of the chemays and smiths of the beer world.

Dave said...

miller high life is the "chicken soup for the soul" of beers. dude, if you want a light, watered-down, mass-produced, shitty-ass macro-lager to quench your thirst, by all means, help yourself. we all have our guilty pleasures.

you may now bend over that golden can ass.

james said...

Trash it up, baby!

Before Girl said...

Um, it would be "lavished" not "languished." But I can forgive, based on the rage you have.

Kellie said...

As your wife would fall squarely within the middle class, organic consuming, whole foods cruising sons a bitches (except of the female persuasion) she responds to the "can kiss my golden canned ass" by saying the following:

You can shop for your French's mustard, saltines, Tabasco Cheez-its, Jiffy Extra-crunchy, Mexican brand salsa, shredded cheese, "special" bread, peanuts, chips, and salami on your own. And you can cook your own Kraft Mac & Cheese, Red Beans & Rice, and Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup or Beef stew****. And you can wash the Miller stains off your dishes & clothes on your own too...all without any Taco Bueno to fall back on.

Now you can kiss my organic, whole-foods shopping, micro-loving ass.

****Because no substitution will be tolerated by this brand-loving, coroporate banner boy.

g13 said...

okay, i see how it is. i guess i'm going to be assaulted and perhaps even martyred for identifying with the common man. since the sinners did the same to Jesus, i suppose i shouldn't have expected anything less.

james said...

Ah, but one should bear in mind that Jesus at Cana (now that he has been brought into this example) did pull out the fancy bourgeois alcoholic beverage last, when most would otherwise pull out the shitty watered-down stuff - and all while relating to the common man.

So get out there, grab a 4-pack of your favorite Sam Smith's, head down to Bennett street and share a round with the best of Beverly's commoners.

g13 said...

every real evangelical knows that Jesus was serving non-alcoholic wine of the highest vintage. moreover, anyone who follows HIM would not serve samuel smith, or any other kind of alcohol, in the crossing and so cause so many of our underprivileged brothers and sisters to stumble.

james said...

Hello? Chuck Smith? Is that you? or was that G-Lo?

g13 said...

unfortunately, chuck has been missing, and presumed dead, for some time. the primary suspect in the case is agent b's alter-ego larry canon.

as for g-lo, what are you talking about? is that a reference to some kind of strange sexual fetish favored by you liberals?

james said... that would be the down lo.

ali said...


That was awesome! You totally took the focus away from his post!

Mike said...

"brand-loving, coroporate banner boy."

ooh snap sick burn!

she even mocked your little ***

but i think you are all missing the point here (do in large part to Gentry being a jackass) but don't be distracted by that.

the point is that our troops are fighting the good fight in Iraq to bring democracy to the rest of the world - and with it unregulated capitalism so that every poor bastard can drink what ever piss scented beer he or she wants to drink.

junkyardlove said...

I'm with you, Jeff!
MHL is motherfucking TIMELESS, baby!

(I am not to be trusted, though, because if it's beer: I'll drink it)

Anonymous said...

if you brought that to my party i would turn you away and give you a good kick in the ass in the hopes you would never come back.

no offense.

Dustin said...

apparently I didn't sign in with my last post.

g13 said...

like i would be willing to come to your yuppie ass, indie listenin' parties anyway: )

Dustin said...

good point.

josh said...

and you want to rip on my gatlinburg idea?

the second a high life drinker starts talking about the pros and cons of gatlinburg, we have ourselves a problem.