Monday, October 17, 2005

memorandum from captain random: do or die edition

if the cardinals blow this one, i'm going to hit an eight-ball and burn down those damn crawford boxes. in fact, while i'm at it, i might burn the other crawford - that abomination of desolation - down as well.

top of the seventh

on the red wall behind our black couch, i am keeping a list of people to kill. at the top of my list are two fox commentators. three ryan dobson stickers will be awarded to the first person to guess who these two "broadcasting professionals" are (for the record, i do not consider "scooter" a color commentator).

as much as i bitch about my life on this blog, i should probably mention when things go well...on that note, pettitte just picked eckstein of with the most illicit move i have ever seen. that move would be called a balk in babe ruth league. i can't believe they let that, um, motherfucking broadman & holman author get away with that! anyway, today i ground out four and half hours at work, helped phil wyman and his team set up a massive stage in salem for their haunted happenings outreach, was greeted with squeals of delight and hugs when i returned to the afterschool program after a two week absence and spent two and a half hours at the bev library falling further in love with n.t. wright (his nuanced, thoroughgoing understanding on the kingdom of God, as put forth in Jesus and the Victory of God continues to impress me). when i returned from the library, hopped up on caffeine and hungry for dinner, i found that kellie and her parents were watching scarface, which they thought featured less nasty language and violence than goodfellas. that killed me. of course, the cardinals could ruin it all, but that remains to be seen.

bottom of the seventh

if the cardinals lose this series, i'm going to remember two major base running gaffes. the first was pujols going on contact with no outs last night and the second will be eckstein getting "balked off" in the top frame. of course, i'll also remember our manager and all-star centerfielder acting like adolescents in the late innings of a must-win game, but i don't want to talk about that.

if i was an angels or an astros fan, i think i would have to strangle myself with a rally monkey or hurl myself off of the crawford boxes. is there another group of fans that pair such extraordinary enthusiasm with such unsurpassed baseball ignorance? i didn't think so.

burke singled. runners at first and third with one out. come on, berkman, roll into a double play.

holy shit. that all-league flag football player just broke my heart.

so many people give me shit for my pessimism. but scoff all you want, dear friends. pessimism softens the blow.

top of the eighth

wouldn't you assign a prisoner with a tatooed map of the facility to perpetual solitary confinement?

four outs to go and the commentators are defending the legitimacy of berkman's 337 foot home run. inappropriate comment deleted.

three up, three down. i'm going down to the basement to swipe some of james' methyl alcohol.

bottom of the eighth

i got nothing.

the umpiring has been woefully inconsistent this post-season. i think it's time to bust up the union.

now they're showing pictures of the new busch stadium. pour on the salt guys, pour it on.

top of the ninth

can we say die?

you gotta love eckstein. taking what he can get, even when it doesn't really matter. he's been one of the brightest spots of this season.

edmonds. one runner on, we're down to our last out nad pujols is coming up behind you. lean into it!

they're giving us just enough rope to hang ourselves. prove me wrong, pujols, you true believer. prove me wrong.

holy fucking shit. holy fucking shit.

bottom of the ninth

the cardinals haven't had a home run of that magnitude in 20 years (ozzie smith, 1985 n.l.c.s.. can we say go crazy, folks. go crazy!?)

two away. convulsions are starting.

alex just made a great point. if jeter had hit that homerun or a certain half-crippled first baseman smoked a shot off of the american league's best closer, the commentators would have gone crazy. as it was, it sounded like they were disappointed that they will have to miss their complimentary halliburton tour tomorrow.

holy fucking shit.


jackaway said...

hey man, i love n t as well. im reading through his new testament and the people of God book. its one of the three that ive read of him. i just love his fresh look at an ancient doc.

g13 said...

you've read three of his works already josh? shit, that's ambitious.

james said...

As i said before, these games can be very interesting when one has nothing invested in either team. But man, that was a pretty impressive 9th inning turnaround.

Oh, and the methyl . . . polish it off. i think the blender just broke when Ben and I whipped up a small batch tonight

mr. matthews said...

i'm right there with you man ... i still love my cards.

ahbahsean said...

You better not be drinking that methyl alcohol... using it to clean permanent marker off of glassware is alright but good ga man, you could go blind! Please stick to drinking Ethyl Alcohol only.

g13 said...

drink? are you crazy?!

i was simply looking for something flammable.

ahbahsean said...

oh well, in that case, continue...

jamie said...

just make sure that when you cross names off of that list above your couch, that you sloppily apply lipstick, too, for effect.

Kellie said...

Go buy your own lipstick....use my MAC lipstick and I'll add your name to the list.

P.S. Do you think we should move the list....we don't want Nascar drivers and or American Idol watchers to know they're being might lose the element of surprise and not be able to pull it off.

g13 said...

you know it, jamie.

don't worry pixie. i'll only utilize your MAC lipstick on those kinky little "opposite days" that we celebrate.

jamie said...

man between James' "oily women," and your kink-lipstick-roll-swapping, the internet is WICKED fun today.

Landis said...

If I were back in Missouri, I'd mute the freakin' tv and listen to Mike Shannon call the game. Fox announcers suck.

Scott said...


I often wonder if a man my size has a heart condition...I do believe this series is turning into one mother of a stress test. Well we will see what can happen back at the busch stadium and last night I was bitching about the announcers while enjoying my brew ha ha at the local bowling alley. Yes I am trash and proud of it.

g13 said...

beer and bowling is far from the essence of white trash. in the latter category, pride of place goes to nascar.

enjoy the rest of the series and your PBR meade.

Rick said...

bottom of 7th

Gentry you must face it and not just blame your players based upon Edmonds vs. the Ump. He was not an adolescent. Your ump bias is coming through. Yes, LaRussa was. But, the Ump incited Edmonds and was looking for a fight.

You do not do what he did, ever. Edmonds had a proper question, wanting to know what he was calling. I had the same question. I still do. But, the bastard can do whatever he wants.

We can blame the Cardinals for those things that they should be blamed for, but that was not one of them.

Also, I am not going to blame Eckstein for anything related to base running, ever. He makes a mistake every once in while, but the percentages of mistakes vs. great decisions is greater than any other player in baseball (and hustle. I will take his hustle and a baserunning mistake every once in while).

I disagree on your level of pessimism softening the blow. Realism is a beter approach. This pessimism is so Red-Sox fanlike that it cannot be good for your heart, moral, friends and family or day-to-day life.

bottom of 8th
finally a few words about the pathetic state of umping during this series.

top of 9th

kind words for Eck. Thanks. I cannot believe that he was an upgrade from Reneria, but he really is.

Edmonds doing exactly what you expect him not to do. Don't you love/ hate it when a player you always piss on surprises you?

See, the difference between us... I knew it could happen. I was ready for the loss, but felt calm seeing Pujols there. The world needed to see him step up into his designated role as greatest player in baseball.

Of course he would do this.

As disappointed as the Fox guys were, thank the Lord for ESPN (reynolds, Kruk, Brantley) for context and joy. I enjoyed Brantley frying Lidge for dinner. He is a better pitching commentator than he was a pitcher.

Keep your chin up. Even if we cannot win it, this was a night worthy of my admiration and love.

They gave us hope and drama. This is why we are fans.

g13 said...


you've always been the one person who can interpret my comments in a more hyperbolic fashion than they were intended: )

i wasn't digging on eckstein too bad about the pick-off. i think, and noted, that pettitte's move was clearly a balk. still, anytime a guy gets nailed at second in the midst of a tight game that has already seen a major baserunning error, hello grud*(&()*&%ACk, frustration is going to result.

i don't always pick on edmonds. a couple of years ago, when rolen was healthy and the offense was clicking, i suggested that we trade him for pitching, and i still think that would have been wise at the time. furthermore, i don't blame him for disagreeing with the strike that was called against him in game 4. however, when you are the anchor of the outfield and one of the finest hitters in the line up, you cannot get tossed late in a playoff game. i don't care if the called strike ended up having shoe polish on it. you just can't get tossed at that point.

furthermore, i don't think i have a bias towards the major league umpires. hell, i'm a guy who would physically piss on don denkinger's grave if given the opportunity. what i said before, i'll say again: bust up the union.

i don't doubt that realism is a better way forward. but, up to this point in life, it just hasn't served me well. maybe a bit more maturity will change my perspective in this area.

go cards!


Rick said...

I just care deeply and want to see you a happy Cardinals fan, even when we do not win.

You read the simmons story?

g13 said...

yeah, i know you do and i appreciate it. i haven't read it yet, but will soon.

Dale said...

thom brennaman and bob brenly

i don't need the ryan dobson stickers, i was there for the annulment

i will pull for stl only because i will be there 10/27 and would love to be downtown for game 5...otherwise i gotta stay true blue

it was an awesome moment in playoff history....enjoy


g13 said...


good guess. actually i hate lyons and mccarver (who the cards have unofficially disowned) a bit more.

no worries about your loyalties. we don't feel threatened by omaha, er, i mean royals fans, anymore!