'returning' as a spiritual discipline

the cliche proclaims that 'you can never go home again.' i think the cliche is a crock of shit. my experience suggests that the opposite is actually true. you must go home again. the fact that the journey home is often complicated, and filled with as much pain as pleasure, probably inspired the cliche. however, in most cases, we should not let the complications deter us, for returning is one of the disciplines of the spiritual life.

the complications we face upon returning are undoubtedly unique, but i think that i can summarize mine in the following way: returning requires me to reckon with who i once was and realize who i have become. last weekend i had the honor of participating in my cousin Amy's wedding. over the course of our terribly abbreviated trip (in on friday afternoon, out on sunday morning) i encountered individuals whom i once led into rank disobedience and whom still seem to be entangled in its grasp. moreover, i spoke with others whose ambition and resultant success encouraged me to question the direction of the life i currently lead. as i reflect on the weekend, i am lead to confess that i once was a preacher of license, an incarnation of lechery and a slave chained to my ambition. i realize that by God's grace and because of my participation 'in Christ,' i am not that man any more. yet alluring voices, which are louder and more distinct than the one that speaks of life, still whisper to me in the dark of night, telling me that i will never be anything more than a lecher, ladder climber and a man who leads the young astray.

by returning, i am enabled to face who i was and proclaim who God has   (re)made me to be. hence, by the grace of God and through the enabling power of the Spirit i will not surrender to the subtle persuasion of the voices, but will continue to be reshaped into the image of the Savior i follow.

i do not intend these thoughts either an invitation to a 'pity party' or a subtle request for encouragement. rather, i share them because i truly believe that uncle henri and ani are right when they say:

"The great paradox of the spiritual life is, indeed, that the most personal is the most universal, that the most intimate, is most communal, and that the most contemplative is most active."
~Henri Nouwen

"Cause to me, it's, there's nothing that's personal and private, it's all universal. There's no experience that I have ever had that's unique. And the fact that there is just certain stuff that we share but don't admit to and don't talk about. You know, what is that about?"
~Ani Difranco